It's one thing to know that, while being arrested during a drunk driving traffic stop in Atlanta earlier this month, America's sweetheart Reese Witherspoon let fly such perfectly crafted phrases as "Do you know my name?" and "You’re about to find out who I am" and "I'm an American citizen!" It's a whole other thing to see footage, via gloriously grainy black-and-white dash cam. I mean, no words are necessary. Just prepare yourself.

Well, this is nuts: THR is reporting the United States Attorney in Manhattan has brought charges against 34 individuals tied up in Russian-American criminal organizations that partly facilitated secret gambling rooms catering to big Hollywood names like Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio. Teddy KGB lives!

If some of this sounds familiar, that's because details of the operations were partially revealed in 2011, when hedge fund manager Bradley Ruderman was arrested after losing $25 million of his clients' money — much of it, he alleged, lost playing high-stakes poker with fancy celebs in these secret backroom games. (Afterward, a trustee attempted to recoup the losses via some of the stars Ruderman lost big hands to, namely Tobey freakin' Maguire.) Now, the legal ax is falling on those who set up the games.

Two criminals from New Mexico, an adult white male and his younger lackey, had plans to castrate and kill a world-famous pop star during his sold-out concert. Is it the plot of the final season of Breaking Bad? No, it's the foiled murder plot that nearly led to a Christmas without Justin Bieber and his "Little Drummer Boy" rap. While locked up in the Southern New Mexico Correctional Facility in Las Cruces, two-bit criminal Mark Staake was enlisted by fellow prisoner Dana Martin to target the baby Bieb. Martin, who is serving consecutive life sentences of 978 years total for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, is obsessed with Bieber and has a tattoo of J.B. inscribed on his leg. Martin wanted Staake to blot out Bieber, as well as two unnamed people in Vermont, according to ABC News. The rapist-murderer allegedly felt spurned when he was unable to contact Bieber from jail and decided to seek a graphic revenge.

In 2009, The Carter was released, a documentary about Lil Wayne and the creation and lead-up to his highly anticipated Tha Carter III. Even though the film (a must-see, if I may add) was put out at the height of Lil Wayne's critical acclaim and "best rapper alive-dom," and showed how truly dedicated he was toward his craft of being a rapper, Wayne attempted (and failed) to block the film from ever being released, presumably because of the high level of recreational drug use on display from start to finish. (You wouldn't want this released, either — he's doing pretty much everything except taking Tussin bubble baths.)

On Wednesday morning, a 56-year-old ex-con named Jonathan Kirby broke into LL Cool J's home in Sherman Oaks, California — and got his ass kicked. According to CNN, Mr. Cool J found the guy at 1 a.m., after the house security alarm went off, then proceeded to confront him, at which point he broke the guy's nose and jaw, plus some of his ribs. Then he "physically detained" him until the cops showed up. Making things a touch more hectic here is that, because of his prior convictions — which include petty theft, first-degree burglary, and, yikes, voluntary manslaughter — this guy Kirby is totally screwed: He could be looking at 38 years to life in prison. So, first of all: Holy crap! This is the craziest thing to have happened to LL Cool J — who long ago became the kind of guy who stars on NCIS spinoffs and then awkwardly raps about being on NCIS spinoffs — since, I don't know, 1997?

Second of all, let's think this one through for a minute. If Kirby was going to burglarize any rapper, why would he ever choose LL Cool J? Yes, LL's 44, and a family man–actor type now. He's also had his shirt off in roughly 87 percent of his total music video footage, during which it was made very clear he's jacked. Also, within that 87 percent of the time in which he's semi-clothed and not simultaneously evincing an interest in bedding ladies, he was probably evincing, both literally and figuratively, an interest in punching things.

To his credit, maybe Kirby isn't a big fan of LL's latter-day work, and remembers him instead as the scrawny teenager from Krush Groove?

Almost exactly one year ago, Dexter Isaac, an inmate serving a life sentence on a murder-for-hire conviction, went public with his involvement in the 1994 robbing and shooting of Tupac Shakur at Quad Studios in Manhattan. This was the incident that sparked the East Coast/West Coast hip-hop feud: Tupac was at Quad that night to meet Biggie Smalls and Sean "Diddy" (then Puff Daddy) Combs, and believed they were behind the assault. Within three years, both he and Biggie would be dead. And according to Isaac, who says he pulled the trigger that night at the recording studios, the whole thing was called in by James Rosemond, a.k.a. Jimmy Henchman, a rap music manager/hanger-on with a long list of criminal allegations to his name. Now Henchman's got one more notch on his rap sheet, and this one's a bit more concrete. The New York Times reports that on Tuesday a federal jury in Brooklyn convicted Jim of running a multi-million-dollar drug trafficking operation. Says U.S. attorney Loretta E. Lynch, who is apparently as awesome at convicting criminals as she is with providing punchy wrap-up quotes about said convictions: "Rosemond built and ran this drug trafficking organization in order to personally enrich himself and his associates. And profit he did. [Insert whatever dramatic pause noise you'd like.] The paydays are over for Jimmy Henchman.”