Going into this week between Christmas and New Year's Day, known to some as "vacation" and others as "Kwanzaa," there were only a few things that could have waken me out of hibernation, prompting a text longer than 140 characters. Eight things, to be exact:

1. Video of Michelle Obama from a never-released Uncle Luke video surfacing.
2. Video of Barack Obama from a never-released Uncle Luke video surfacing.
3. Sasha Obama being implicated in a Sidwell Friends multiplication test cheating scandal.
4. 2 Chainz showing up at my house, wanting his hair braided. Aunt obliging.
5. Word getting out that Kim Kardashian is pregnant.
6. Trinidad James taking me on a sweaty shopping spree.
7. High school basketball phenom Jabari Parker reneging on his commitment to Duke, deciding instead to play at Dartmouth.
8. A Waffle House opening in Manhattan.

Well, wouldn't you know it, no. 5 took place in the wee hours of December 31, New Year's Eve, 2012.

1. AndroGel 1.62%

I was watching television on Saturday when I saw a commercial — too slippery for my DVR, un-YouTube-able, but which has not escaped mention — for a product called AndroGel 1.62%, used to treat a disorder known as “Low T,” or low testosterone. The symptoms of Low T include “falling asleep after dinner,” a decline in backyard soccer game performance, and being sad and/or grumpy, suggesting that Low T might be contracted from a sealant used on reclining chairs.