On second thought, Universal Pictures has decided not to move forward with Ron Howard's insane-seeming three-movie, two-miniseries mega-adaptation of Stephen King's The Dark Tower, which would have sent Javier Bardem's kids to private school and been one of the most expensive and ambitious productions in history. Instead, they'll more wisely spend the money on the next dozen Fast & Furious sequels. Grade: A [Deadline]
Anger Management, Charlie Sheen's sitcom adaptation of the 2003 Adam Sandler-Jack Nicholson movie, was upgraded from "pipe dream" to "pipe dream with a press release" yesterday with the announcement that Lionsgate subsidiary Debmar-Mercury will distribute the show in the unlikely event that it ever finds a network or a show-runner. "I chose Anger Management because, while it might be a big stretch for me to play a guy with serious anger management issues, I think it is a great concept," said Sheen in the release. Hilarious. Grade: D [HR]
Sorry, Dirk. Tom Cruise is now confirmed to play crime-fighting drifter Jack Reacher in One Shot, Paramount's adaptation of Lee Child's best-selling thriller, to be directed by Usual Suspects writer Christopher McQuarrie. Initial reports of Cruise's possible casting caused an uproar among fans of Child's books last month, since Racher is 6'5" tall and Cruise is only 5'7". Said the author at the time: "Reacher's size in the books is a metaphor for an unstoppable force, which Cruise portrays in his own way." Maybe his performance will be motion-captured. Grade: C+ [Deadline]
Game of Thrones' Sean Bean will play more royalty, this time the king in the family-friendlier, slightly less ridiculous-sounding one of the two competing upcoming Snow White movies. He'll be the dad to Snow White (Lily Cole) and husband to her Oscar-tarnishing apple-poisoning stepmom (Julia Roberts). Grade: B- [HR]
·News from the front lines of Hollywood's noble war on Christmas: Desperate for franchises, Dimension Films has commissioned two different scripts for the sequel to 2003's Billy Bob Thornton-starring alcoholic mall-Santa comedy Bad Santa with the intention of picking the best one — and if they're both good, the series could become a trilogy. None of the original makers (director Terry Zwigoff, producers Joel and Ethan Coen) are involved, but Thornton is allegedly "eager to come back" and Tony Cox seems to be available. Grade: B [LAT]
·True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard will play another Viking in The Vanguard, an action movie about two brothers who head back to Sweden following their banishment to North America. Details are scarce, but Vanguard is allegedly in the vein of Braveheart and Gladiator, which presumably means dead wives will be avenged and Skarsgard will develop real-life anger-management problems after the movie inexplicably wins Best Picture. Grade: B+ [Variety]
Gloves On: Presumably tired of doing premium-cable charity work on Damages and Bored to Death, Ted Danson has signed on to replace Laurence Fishburne on CSI, as the leader of a team of graveyard-shift homicide investigators (after Tony Shaloub, Robin Williams and John Lithgow reportedly passed on the part). Let's hope CBS is paying him Ted Danson money. Grade: B+ [Deadline, EW]
Brides Paid: In Bridesmaids, Kristen Wiig poop-joked her way to the best reviews and box office of Judd Apatow's career. Now she's using her clout to make Imogene, a dark-sounding comedy (?), from American Splendor directors Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini, about a playwright who fakes a suicide attempt to win back an ex-boyfriend, but instead winds up in the custody of her gambling-addicted mom. The movie is described as a "passion project" for Wiig, which probably means it will include fewer weddings and diarrhea attacks than her last. Still, we're looking forward to this one. Grade: A [HR]
