The American Music Awards have gone down for four decades now. Four decades! That's a remarkable run for an event that, let's be honest, we all totally forget exists unless we're within 36 hours on either side of its broadcast. Which is to say this: The AMAs were on last night. Were they any good? Were they any good? They were the American Music Awards!
Taylor Swift won Artist of the Year (here's your full list of winners), but the night was actually carried by Timberlake. He got to run up for a bunch of awards early on, and each time was game enough to offer us his best Studio 8H shtick: correctly complimenting the cuteness of Rihanna's mother (more on that later); making consciously dumb "I can't believe I won this award, whatever this award is!" faces; in general carrying the correct amount of playful, respectable disdain for every single thing happening. (Let's give him points for bantering with Sarah Silverman, too, even though the sentence "This is the first time I have ever been racially profiled by a white lady" actually makes no sense. Bro bro, white people are usually the ones doing the racial profiling.) But JT's greatest accomplishment popped up early: It came during Pitbull's opening monologue's Olympic-level inanity, and it was making this face for a good 43 seconds.
On Sunday night, YouTube held its first annual music awards show. They were called the YouTube Music Awards. And to view said awards, all you had to do was go on YouTube.
Unfortunately, during the time of the YouTube Awards, I was nowhere near a YouTube. The archaic device known as "television" was my medium of entertainment during the live broadcast, so I missed the entirety of YouTube's YouTube Music Awards on YouTube. But then they showed the YouTube Music Awards again on YouTube, so for Round 2 I found a YouTube on which to distractedly watch the proceedings.
It's really difficult to explain what happened over the 90-minute program. As in, it wasn't bad, certainly wasn't good, and something somehow in the orbit of entertaining, if you're the type that finds B-roll to be high art.
The knee-jerk reaction is to compare it with MTV's Video Music Awards. The acronyms (VMAs vs. #YTMAs) only fuel that side-by-side comparison, but the two events hardly resemble one another.
The MTV EMAs — that's the Europe Music Awards — went down in Frankfurt, Germany last night. Did you miss anything particularly big? No, of course not; this is an MTV awards show we're talking about here. But there were a few moments, from the all-around performance of David Hasselhoff to the robotic facial machinations of young Taylor Swift, that certainly deserved some small recognition. And what better way to recognize a meaningless award show than with a list of awards even more meaningless? OK, here we go.
Before we begin, it should be stipulated that awards shows are boring. They have always been boring, and they will continue to be boring until the Earth hurtles into the sun, which will almost certainly occur during the 18th hour of 10,464th Annual Academy Awards Psychocast, finally freeing us of the curious need to complain about why we aren't more entertained by famous people trading gold statues and listing their business obligations.
Last night, CBS aired the 2012 People's Choice Awards, the only network-televised awards show to value the opinion of the unwashed masses over the critical and professional cabals who hand over their gilded Preciouses based on inscrutable, insidery criteria like "artistic merit." But here's the thing: The People are often wrong. The People have given us Two and a Half Men, at least three installments of Chipmunks movies, and flickering hope to a Rick Santorum presidential candidacy. And so we've taken it upon ourselves to look at some of the major PCA categories and decide who can keep their statuettes (what do they hand out, anyway? A giant crystal thumbs-up on a Big Mac base?), and which ones need to be redistributed in an attempt to correct any miscarriages of popular justice.