This animated version of Patton Oswalt's Star Wars filibuster speech is worth a look, if only for the tiny baby Padawans floating in an anti-gravity classroom. Depending on your mood, you may also want to become involved in the predictably crazy comments section ("So then why not Photon who has power over energy would be more powerful than Moonknight also how is Moonknight any more powerful than Hawkeye or Blackwidow?" "Wolverine has a daughter so who is the mother?" "Patton Oswalt thinks that MoonKnight and Hercules are top tier? Hawk Eye and Black Widow might be 2nd string heroes but fucking MoonKnight... really? He is D list, down there with FireStar and ShatterStar"); at least a handful of the viewers seem to genuinely want an Actual Movie based on Oswalt's improvised Parks and Rec monologue. Didn't we just get a real movie for free? I mean, moving mouths would be nice, but aren't you people ever satisfied?
Spare a thought today for the horribly marginalized gluten-free children who suffer in our midst. "There were tears in my daughter's eyes, and my son's fist was clenched," says one mother, who compared her children's celiac disease diagnosis to death. There is no question that dietary restrictions suck but you guuuuuys.
The Lonely Island have become grown-ass men. In a new video for YouTube's Comedy Week, the trio take on the mature subjects of wife sex and cemetery real estate ("wobble-dee-wobble-dee drop into my grave plot"). It goes hard, because it's #DIAPERCORE. Reggie Watts also debuted a video for YouTube's celebration with his variation on the Rickroll, faithfully re-creating Rick Astley's outfits and letting his upper lip dance to '80s synth like no one is watching.
"Multiple sources" report that Beyoncé is pregnant with her second child. After canceling a performance in Belgium (and citing those old mythological maladies "dehydration and exhaustion" as the cause), rumors began to swirl, as rumors do. Beyoncé has said that Blue Ivy "needs some company" with whom to watch Nets games at her Barclays crib, so I guess they've decided to create their own playmates for her instead of adopting one of us (we offered). Have fun with that diaper pail, Bey. Adults come house-trained and won't try to put your diamonds in our mouths. I'm just saying.
Zach Galifianakis explained to Conan O'Brien last night why he quit drinking (besides the benefits of a two-ounce weight loss). Crossing the street after a whiskey-soaked evening, Galifianakis made the mistake of clocking the hood of a Jaguar containing "two 6-foot-6 guys — 12-by-12," angering them enough that they exited their vehicle to spit in the comedian's face ("I don't know if you've ever been spit in your face non-sexually"). The beer bottle ZG threw at the retreating car in retaliation missed, fortunately, but he did not thank the whiskey for that. Rude.
Angry Birdsthe movie is coming, and it's coming in 3-D. The question is, how relevant will the addictive slingshot-pig-avian formula be in three years (the planned release date is July 2016)? Seven years after the birds were released into the tropical habitat of iOS, they'll probably be more cranky than angry. You'll shoot them at targets and they'll just do a gripe-'n'-flop, breaking their hips when they land. I just want a 3-D feature about the happy Australian breastwhale. And I want it immediately.
Hello, Earthlings. It has been a week since I have been beamed down to your planet from HG-430 Helioplex, my home planet, and boy am I enjoying myself in my humanoid role as manager of a movie theater in Missouri, a job I secured after a quick scan of the interstellar classifieds. You all have no objection to guns in movie theaters, right? I can't imagine why that would cause anyone to become alarmed. So what's your beef with my Iron Man 3 publicity stunt? Why would you balk at the image of "people dressed in full tactical gear and carrying what appeared to be assault weapons storm[ing] the screening"? Why would that glue you to your seat while you frantically dial 811 (earth police telecommunication signal)? I don't know. I'm just here on vacation. And my flight was awful. (h/t The A.V. Club, photo credit Amber and Amanda Photography)
There is nothing more awkward than engagement photo shoots, so why not create some emotional distance from the whole thing by adding a little role-playing element? These Game of Thrones–themed prenuptial photos sure beat a couple standing in a field at sunset without fur-lined capes and swords. If you were planning to incorporate velociraptors into your wedding ceremony this June, however, you're out of luck: Jurassic Park 4 has been pushed. Time to call your wedding planner and replace those mosquito-amber centerpieces with some basic Etsy doilies. </3
Music news for Monday: The CMT Awards nominations are in; Tan Mom drops some bronze beats into your reluctant ears (sample lyric: "It's Tan Mom, bitch / Are you ready? It's Patricia, bitch / [...] I want you to back away / get away from me every day"); Queens of the Stone Age join the rabbit hole video phenomenon; Simon Cowell gives up on celebrity judges; and, most importantly, Liam Gallagher was almost murdered by a blue peanut M&M and now carries an EpiPen ("I've got to carry a syringe about with me in case of emergencies. Proper Pete Doherty gear").
Reese, in pieces: Here is yet another video of Reese Witherspoon mismanaging her husband's DUI arrest. In this clip, Toth informs Witherspoon that she just "turned it really bad." Ah, scenes from a marriage. Police dash cams just make me feel more nervous about Google Glass.