Kimye to Wed at Versailles: "Leave it to the self-proclaimed genius to have a gilded ace up his sleeve. Nothing less than France's famed Palace of Versailles will do for his spring vows to Kardashian, 33." This makes so much sense. "Kanye has never been married and wants a big one. It will be over-the-top crazy." But leave the guillotines at home, please. "They are not working with a budget. He says this is his moment, marrying his ideal woman." Can't you already hear Kanye screaming "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL DAY" when the wrong rare orchids show up for the table settings? There will also be "fighter jets" flying overhead, as promised by Kanye repeatedly. And fireworks too, of course. I mean they'll still probably make better use of Versailles than Sofia Coppola did.
Leonardo DiCaprio's Sad 39th Birthday Party: He threw a bash in New York, at the same place he would probably be anyway on any given weekend: Tao. Doesn't this guy ever get bored of clubbing and want to do something more relaxing, like direct? Leo's "39th birthday fete had champagne, models and Kanye West." Guests at Tao Downtown in NYC included Orlando Bloom, Kristen Wiig, and Leo's interchangeable young skinny blonde arm candy of the moment, Toni Garrn, 21. The party, which included a champagne charity auction and a half-hour concert by Kanye and 2 Chainz, went until 4 a.m. and sounds kind of depressing, right? Like for his 39th birthday Leo just threw himself the greatest My Super Sweet 16 party?
Will Smith Caught Cheating: "Will Smith stepped into a private photo booth in New Orleans on Oct. 25 with a gorgeous, young blonde and, once safely ensconced behind the protective curtain, began nuzzling and hugging her, even baring his toned chest and pressing it up against her back as she suggestively lifted her own shirt, exposing her bra." SCANDAL. Will is known as a jokester, but "the closeness he exuded with his stunning costar, Australian actress Margot Robbie, was clearly more than mere friendliness." Robbie is the female lead in Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street and Smith's costar in the upcoming Focus. Big Will "wasn't acting like a married man; he gave no signs that he was in a committed relationship. What kind of married man would go into a photo booth with a sexy 23-year-old girl and start to undress?" One who is in an open marriage, as Will and Jada have frequently been rumored to be? "Jada Pinkett Smith, Will's wife of 15 years, was nowhere to be found." Jada has made plenty of veiled references to cheating or openness in the Pinkett Smith marriage, but can they survive proof in the form of photobooth pics? Shooting Focus in New Orleans, Smith's family accompanied him on "a day of sightseeing in the alligator swamps" but left quickly thereafter. Witnesses at the wrap party claim Robbie and Smith were "hanging all over each other, laughing like they were a new couple in love." Smith had just finished shooting, so supposedly he wasn't drunk — "he knew what he was doing." Then Robbie climbed on Smith "piggyback style" and headed off to his trailer. "After they left the party, they were gone all night." The source says, "This was absolutely cheating in my book." Pinkett Smith was speaking at a Baltimore charity event, where she gave a telling speech that went "When you are going through a storm with your spouse … stop thinking about what you 'believe' a husband or wife should be." Hmmmm.
Kerry Washington Is Pregnant: "For the past several months, the Scandal It girl, 36, has been relying on a seamstress to help her conceal a huge secret: Multiple sources tell Us she and NFL Pro husband Nnamdi Asomugha are expecting!" A friend says Kerry is "about four months along," and just like her secret engagement and wedding, she has no plans to publicize the pregnancy. How will Scandal deal with the pregnancy? Either by writing it in or choosing to "just work around it."
Did Gwyneth Paltrow Cheat on Chris Martin? Paltrow asked friends not to participate in an upcoming Vanity Fair story about her. Now we know why. "Vanity Fair is looking into an alleged affair that the movie star, who's been married to Coldplay singer Chris Martin since 2003, may have had with Miami billionaire Jeff Soffer." She thought it would remain a secret forever. Who is Soffer? Well, he's a "real estate developer worth $1 billion" who lucked into acquiring his father's successful real estate business. He and Gwyn must have had so much to talk about! Like benefiting from nepotism! He's now married to Elle Macpherson. "Gwyneth prides herself on presenting this image that she has the perfect life — that she's a domestic goddess with a talented husband and exceptional kids who has everything under control. Now she's caught up in a scandal." SCANDAL! It's all viral promo for Scandal. "Not only did Jeff, 45, fly the Iron Man actress to Miami" for the opening of his Fontainebleau hotel, "she stayed at his $14 million mansion in nearby Indian Creek." The adulterers "never went out in public. But they did attend parties at private homes and would hold hands around friends." Hold hands! Paltrow has mysteriously alluded to the nontraditional nature of her relationship with Martin several times. "I never say 'Where are you? You should be home by now.' I never place demands on him because I think he's a really talented man, and he's putting something good into the world." Girl. Paltrow's rep said, "Gwyneth and Jeff did not have an affair. They have been friends for many, many years."
Bruce Jenner Wants to Be a Woman: Take this story with a few cups of salt. According to Star, the real reason for Kris and Bruce Jenner splitting? He wants to transition genders. "There were other clues that Bruce, 63, and Kris, 57, had been drifting apart for years. Most notably: Bruce's transformation from a manly athlete to an effeminate metrosexual with a reported penchant for cross-dressing." I mean, Kim is with Kanye. You think the Kardashians kare about traditional gender roles? They kare about fame and money. "Bruce has a feminine side. He likes growing his hair out, loves getting manicures and pedicures and won't leave home without his diamond earrings." There's nothing wrong or deviant about any of those things. Fuck this article so much. "Bruce is more emotional than all the Kardashians combined! Kris even says that Bruce is more of a woman than she is! All the kids constantly tell Bruce that he needs to stop being so dramatic and act like more of a man, but that's just not him." Again, Kanye. And again, fuck this article. Men are emotional, duh. "Kim went in Bruce's closet and found tons of expensive lingerie that was all stretched out!" Kris denied the lingerie was Bruce's. WHO CARES, HE CAN WEAR WHAT HE WANTS. "He also thought that Kris cheated on him and was OK with it. Maybe the reason he was OK with Kris's secret flings was because he had a secret of his own — the cross-dressing." Or maybe they had an open marriage and Kris doesn't kare about his kross-dressing.
Kris and Bruce Jenner Split Up: The Kardashian klan is kut apart with the news that Kim Kardashian's mom, Kris, and stepdad, Bruce, are over, for good. And here I thought it was just a plotline on the show! Honestly, how can even they tell the difference between their real and scripted lives at this point? Kris klaims "We are happier this way." She gave the exclusive to Us, so don't expect a lot of dirt here. They've been split up for a long time already, as you might have guessed from Bruce living separately in a beach house all summer. "Amid all the Kardashian crises over the past 12 months — Kim's difficult pregnancy, Kourtney's paternity test drama, Khloe's marriage hell — Jenner has hidden one of her own: Her 22-year union to Bruce Jenner ended a year ago." They've been living apart for as long. Kris says "there is no animosity" and that they remain "committed to our family." They are still friends, and Kris says "I will always love him, but we are no longer a couple in that way." Bruce says "We will always love and respect each other and be part of each other's lives." Other sources verify that the split is fairly amicable. They haven't set up plans to divorce, because there is no prenup. According to Kris, "It's a modern-day situation." Watch out, Kylie and Kendall are totally going to Parent Trap you! "Kris discovered her gift for management when, newly divorced and near penniless, she fell head over heels for a down-on-his-luck ex-athlete who stored his 1976 gold medal in a sock drawer." Kris said "I knew we had to tell his story to a world that had forgotten it. We wanted to be champions again." Kris is Kenny Powers? Makes perfect sense. Why bother lying about the split? "Part of the success of the show is that they're this perfect family." Really? I don't know about that. Even friends thought Bruce and Kris's bickering was just part of the show. Kris Jenner "Instagrammed a bikini shot just hours after her 17-year-old did!" Watch out world, here comes Kris Jenner's postmenopausal-life crisis! It's gonna be intense!
Justin Timberlake Cheating on Jessica Biel? Has JT "grown out of his womanizing ways" since marrying Jessica Biel? Timberlake was in Rio de Janeiro for the Rock in Rio festival, and "reports surfaced that the 'Mirrors' singer, 32, cheated on wife Jessica Biel after he was spotted kissing married Brazilian actress Thaila Ayala." Hey at least they're both married! (To other people.) "The gorgeous brunette, who wed actor Paulo Vilhena in 2011, added further speculation to the rumors after she posted an Instagram video of Justin performing at the festival with the caption, 'A childhood dream — meet Justin and have him singing a song in front of you.'" Justin "laughed off the claims" but wife "Jessica, 31, wasn't so easygoing. She flipped out. She's afraid that Justin is incapable of controlling his impulses." While Biel and Timberlake were dating, but not married, Timberlake was also rumored to have "had a three-day fling with actress Olivia Munn," plus hookups with Mila Kunis and possibly ex Cameron Diaz. Timberlake is headed out on a world tour, which means Biel is on high alert. "Jess is really worried. She wants to believe that he'll be faithful, but it's hard to tune out all the chatter suggesting otherwise."
Miley's Pregnancy Trap and Liam's Wandering Eye: According to this story, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth waited to break up because she underwent a pregnancy scare over the summer. "Miley thought she was expecting and wanted to announce it to the world, even before she went to a doctor to verify the results. Liam begged her not to go public yet. He was emotionally out of the romance for months by that point, though he was still sleeping with her. She agreed to stay quiet for Liam's sake. But Miley's silence came with a price: She essentially trapped Liam in the relationship, telling him that if he left her alone, she'd tell the world that he had abandoned her at such a delicate time. She begged him to stay and said that he could have his space, as long as he didn't break up with her." A million sad faces. "So Liam obliged. He got his freedom and she got the right to say they were still engaged." Poor Miley!
Jennifer Aniston Pregnant? "Alone at last at the hotel, Jennifer Aniston could finally take off her corset." What an EVOCATIVE sentence! At a TIFF after-party, the "tequila-loving Aniston sent someone to the bar all evening to bring back her new signature on-the-rocks cocktail — water." Maybe she was just thirsty! "Aniston may have mastered all the tricks of Operation Bump Cover-up, but she is incapable of hiding her excitement. She's thrilled!" Whatever she wants, man. "Painted in her 2005 divorce as a woman too career-obsessed to have a baby with Pitt, Aniston was left reeling with hurt." GEE I WONDER WHO GAVE HER THAT REPUTATION, TABLOID MAGAZINE. "Then her prince finally showed up." OHHH GOOOOOD.
Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom: "She once picked him up at a downtown L.A. crack den. In June, she busted down a door at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel to find him with another woman. Two months later, he assured her he was sober — and then promptly got a DUI." Then she found Lamar's drug paraphernalia in her room. "She said, 'That's it.' She didn't feel comfortable in a place where Lamar had abused drugs." Khloe is no longer speaking to Lamar. "There's no hope for reconciliation. She feels like she never knew the real Lamar." Really? "This is her Lammy, the love of her life. But he lied to her. There are only so many things you can do for love."
Robin Thicke Cheats on Paula Patton: Despite his constant boasts about his marriage to high school sweetheart Patton, Thicke is a dog. After a photo taken at NYC club 1 Oak went viral that shows Thicke palming a mystery blonde's ass, the blonde has come forward. Her name is Lana Scolaro, and she says that Robin "whispered dirty things, like, 'You don't understand what I'm going to do to you.'" That sounds very American Psycho of you, Robin Thicke. "He's a player. That's for sure." Well then why bother being married, ya dumbass? "Lana, 20, reveals that after Robin's security guard snapped the telling photo, the 'Blurred Lines' singer whisked her away to a private afterparty at his suite at the Greenwich Hotel, where he kissed and groped her until she left at 8 a.m. even though his wife, actress Paula Patton, was there the whole time!" Maybe it's an open marriage? "We hooked up," says Lana. "Things got a bit out of control." #blurredlines! "I came out and Robin was standing there. He turned out the lights so no one could see us and started making out with me. He was grabbing me and putting his hand on my bum. I kind of pushed him away, even though obviously I was like, 'Wow, I'm hooking up with Robin Thicke!'" I KNOW YOU WANT IT. "They could have been caught at any moment." Lana goes on, "We were against the wall in the hallway. It was so risky. I was like, 'Whoa, you have a wife! What are you doing?'" Robin told her to relax. "He said he and his wife are very chill. He was like, 'Be nice to her, she'll love you. But just make sure you're nice to her, because things could get ugly.'" Patton's rep denied any of this went down. Lana "can't get over how open Robin, 36, was about it all. And how oblivious — or accepting — Paula seemed." She spills, "I'm still shocked about the whole thing." Robin and Paula have a 3-year-old son, Julian, together. And apparently a very laissez-faire attitude about monogamy! What rhymes with polyamory?
Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones Split Up: Michael Douglas and his children Dylan and Carys were spotted at the Quebec resort town Mont Temblant. "It looked like another picture-perfect vacation for the Douglas clan — except one person was missing: Michael's wife and Dylan and Carys's mom, actress Catherine Zeta-Jones." CZJ was "seen grocery shopping and browsing a nearby consignment boutique with her mom" back in Bedford, New York. "She seemed a little down." The reasons for the split remain secret so far. "Only the couple's closest friends know exactly why they weren't together. After nearly 13 years of marriage, Douglas, 68, and Zeta-Jones, 43, one of Hollywood's most powerful and admired couples, have decided to spend time apart," as confirmed to People magazine. "Michael and Catherine love each other very much, but they're taking a break. Neither has made a move towards a legal separation or divorce. No legal people are involved whatsoever."
Is Justin Timberlake Cheating on His Wife? The rumors started "when Justin Timberlake left a party at Philadephia's Sigma Sound Studios with a beautiful blonde close behind." Has his commitment to monogamy already gone bye bye bye? Nah, it's his cousin. "Should I just go ahead and change my name to mystery blonde?" tweeted the blonde, Caitlynn Timberlake. "The party gossip, however, has affected Justin's wife. It's no lie that Jessica is getting sick of all these rumors about her new husband. It's even more annoying because the truth is they're very much in love and are talking about starting a family next year. So for him to be linked to a woman who happens to be in the same picture is starting to wear a bit thin." Well, don't hold hands with any mystery blondes in front of photographers, Justinnnnn.
Kate Middleton & Kim Kardashian Raising Children Alone: "They may seem to have it all, but with absent partners and no homes of their own, both Kate Duchess of Cambridge and Kim Kardashian are struggling with motherhood." And their names both begin with K! Both ladies are "alone, as their international icon baby daddies, Prince William and Kanye West, step out without them, partying it up with pals and heading back to work, away from the nest." Kate and William moved in with Kate's parents, rather than hire full-time nannies. "The truth is, Kate wants this baby to grow up normal. No fuss, no bother and few servants." LOL YEAH RIGHT. Will has escaped the house as much as possible, playing polo with his brother and fulfilling his duties in the Royal Air Force. "It's all a bit too loved-up for him. He was thrilled to play first-time dad, but now he's content to leave it to the ladies. He's learned how to change a diaper, but like any action man, William is starting to feel he's more use to the military." What is an action man?