You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
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Body of Proof (ABC), “Cold Blooded” (Tuesday at 10 p.m.) “When the owner of a family-owned and -operated Italian restaurant turns up dead in the freezer, Dr. Hunt and the team take a closer look into family matters.”
The problem here is that years of Law & Order have trained the average procedural viewer to expect a brilliant, pun-oriented crack at the sight of a frozen body, but it's unclear if B.O.P. can deliver on a Briscoe-esque level of gallows humor. “Freezer burn.” “Looks like he wanted to save some for later.” “Talk about getting iced.” That kind of thing.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
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Hawaii Five-O (CBS), “Mai Ka Wa Kahiko” (Monday at 10 p.m.) “A dirty cop from Danno's past comes to the island to exact revenge on Danno and his family for ruining his life, forcing the Five-0 to find a way to help their teammate.”
The Murder Forecast is glad the unit is rallying around Danno, and showing solidarity and support and everything, but is all quite right here? If Danno is going around ruining people’s lives, maybe a little bit of revenge is called for. At the very least the dirty cop should get to muddy up Danno’s foyer.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
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The Mentalist (CBS), “Red Is the New Black” (Thursday at 10 p.m.)
"Jane and the CBI narrow down the list of suspects after a disgraced clothing designer on the verge of a comeback becomes a fashion victim. Meanwhile, FBI Agent Darcy continues her investigation into finding Red John. Catherine Dent ("The Shield") returns as FBI agent Susan Darcy who continues her Red John investigation. Alicia Witt ("Friday Night Lights") returns as Rosalind Harker."
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
NCIS (CBS), “A Desperate Man” (Tuesdays at 8 p.m.) “When a Navy lieutenant commander is found dead in a building under construction, NCIS must search for a killer while dealing with interruptions from her distraught detective husband. Meanwhile, Ray's return has Ziva thinking about her future.”
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
Hawaii Five-0 (CBS), "Alaheo Pau'ole” (Mondays at 10 p.m.) “On the eve of Chin Ho's wedding to Malia, the Five-0's investigation into a man left for dead in an abandoned WWII bunker crosses paths with Capt. Fryer's case of a Jane Doe. Tom Sizemore Returns as Capt. Vincent Fryer.”
A bittersweet week here for the Murder Forecast, as many of the procedurals are turning in their season finales. Which means this is as good a time as any to pay tribute to Hawaii Five-O which, in just two seasons, has become – thanks to its idyllic location shots and creative deaths – an honored member of the procedural community. As for the actual episode, it looks like we’re in for some historic bunker deaths but mostly wedded schmaltz. On the plus side, it’s always nice to see Tom Sizemore continuing to defy the Celebrity Rehab curse. (By the way, I was just now confirming that Tom was indeed on that show, and found this sentence on his Wikipedia page: “On August 18, 2005, approximately eight hours of celebrity sex tape starring Sizemore was published on the internet.” Mr. Sizemore!)
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
CSI (CBS), “Zippered” (Wednesdays at 10 p.m.) “When the CSI team discovers a deceased rancher was also a ballistics expert, they have to work with the FBI to solve the case.”
CSI: OG has popped out 250-plus episodes over the past 12 years, so you really can’t fault its writers for turning in limp, by-the-numbers plot lines every once in a while. Here’s a suggestion, though. CSI writers: Whenever you’re too drained to come up with anything more than a boring linear murder with some minor tension, how about calling us to suggest nutty additions in the interest of spice and variety? For example, in the situation above, I would have recommended making the deceased rancher/ballistics expert also someone who eats faces. What do you say?
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
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CSI: New York (CBS), "Means to an End" (Friday at 9 p.m.) “When an important witness turns up dead, Jo is caught up in the dangerous investigation of the suspected rapist who was freed on her watch in D.C. Michael Weston guest stars as Frank Waters, Jo's former colleague from the FBI. Jason Wiles returns as rape suspect John Curtis. Jeffrey Nordling returns as Senator Kirk Matthews, who blames Jo for Curtis's previous acquittal.”
This is the second time in the brief, illustrious career of the Murder Forecast in which an episode description for CSI: NY has featured the phrase “Jason Wiles returns as rape suspect John Curtis.” Seriously, CSI: NY, how much longer must this go on? The fictional victims of John Curtis demand fictional closure.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule. Note: This is a very special, very shortened Thanksgiving Edition of the Murder Forecast, since nearly everything is in re-runs this week.
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NCIS: LA (CBS), “The Debt” (Tuesdays at 9 p.m.) "A botched assignment forces Hetty to fire Deeks and send him back to the LAPD. Meanwhile, an awkward goodbye between Kensi and Deeks leaves her with unexpected emotions for her old partner."
The let's-randomly-show-our-main-character’s-personal-lives procedural episodes can be, at times, awkwardly brilliant. (I still fondly recall that time on Law & Order: SVU when Detective Stabler somberly took his daughter aside, pointed at the family computer, and explained how the bad guys are “now … coming in through here.”) Also, this Deeks-Kensi situation is a long-running near-coupling (people make fan videos and everything), and an episode dedicated to exploring the simmering sexual tension will be greatly appreciated by millions. But amidst all of these emotions flying around, will anyone be getting shot or stabbed or tossed off the side of a boat in the dead of night? I fear not.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
Criminal Minds (CBS), “Hope” (Wednesdays at 9 p.m.) “It's personal for Garcia when the BAU investigate the disappearance of a woman in her survivors' support group whose daughter went missing seven years earlier.”
Garcia [after having done something wildly out of the bounds of protocol but ultimately beneficial to the case]: ‘You don’t understand. She was my friend. That was her little girl.” Whoever Garcia’s Boss Is: “Dammit, Garcia! This isn’t about you." Garcia [quietly, fighting back tears]: “ … I know. I know.”
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
NCIS (CBS), “ Engaged (Part I)” (Tuesdays at 8 p.m.) The NCIS team uncovers a discrepancy with DNA remains when investigating the crash of a military plane that had been transporting caskets.
CSI: Miami (CBS), "Dead Ringer" (Sundays at 10 p.m.) When Horatio finds another corpse with missing eyes, everything points to his nemesis, "The Taunter" — except he has an airtight alibi.
Nothing in particular wrong with the plot lines for either O.G. NCIS or CSI’s sunniest spin-off this week. Promised up top: political intrigue, the skirting of sensitive international affairs, the grim stares of tall men in uniforms. Promised down below: eyes sockets that do not have eyeballs in them. Here’s the problem, then. Neither “Engage” (which is a "Part 1" episode) nor “Dead Ringer” (which references “The Taunter,” a previously established killer) are not standalone episodes. This kind of thing does, unfortunately, happen from time to time with procedurals. But we come here, primarily, for grisly visuals and stories that can be resolved in 42 minutes. Context? Multi-episode arcs? Fleshed-out characters? It’s just not the same.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC), “True Believers” (Wednesdays at 10 p.m.) “A young music student is raped at gunpoint in her own apartment, but with her help, the SVU squad makes a quick arrest. Bureau Chief Mike Cutter takes over the case when he finds that opposing counsel is high-profile defense attorney Bayard Ellis. As Ellis works to undermine their police work and damage the victim's credibility, the detectives take the stand to prove they have more than just a he-said, she-said case.”
Have you ever seen an episode of Law & Order: SVU? You have seen this episode of Law & Order: SVU.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
Hawaii Five-O (CBS), “Ka Hakaka Maika'i" (Monday at 10 p.m.) “The FIVE-0's investigation into the murder of a wealthy restaurant owner causes McGarrett to take part in a charity MMA fight to the finish. Former MMA Champion Chuck Liddell guest stars as himself.”
Let's take this piece by piece. The "wealthy restaurant owner" part is promising; his or her corpse will be probably be discovered on location, possibly under a giant chandelier but more likely on a cold steel kitchen counter, maybe with a fork plunged in an eyeball? Chuck Liddel’s presence is less welcome, as he’s a regular cameo whore (sir, Drillbit Taylor?). And "fight to the finish" sounds like "fight to the death," but that’s misleading: McGarret is lead actor Alex O'Loughlin, meaning he will probably neither be murdering anyone nor being murdered. Disappointing news for anyone who sat through The Back-Up Plan.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
Criminal Minds (CBS), “From Childhood's Hour" (Wednesday at 9 p.m.) “The BAU team investigates the abductions of young children with troubled mothers in St. Louis.”
Law & Order: SVU (NBC), “Missing Pieces” (Wednesday at 10 p.m.) “As the detectives race to find a missing baby on Halloween, they begin to doubt the story of the distraught parents. Benson and Amaro get as much information as they can from the anxious mother and her boyfriend at the police station, while Fin and Rollins track their path from Buffalo for clues.”
With all due respect to the natural beauty, architectural wonder, and kindness of the people of St. Louis and Buffalo, there probably won’t be much to see here. This is network television, so those missing children will likely be returned to their parents, safe and unmurdered.
