From simple man, to enlisted man, to astronaut, to Gravity-esque survivor, to castaway, to solo ocean navigator who lost his best friend to the sea, to rescued wild man, to reluctant manscaper, to brave captain of a vessel under siege by terrifying pirates.
Wow. And there's even beard continuity.
Tom Hanks: The Movie is going to win all the Oscars. Every last one of them. He isn't screwing around this time. (He's also having Roberto Benigni and Russell Crowe killed, just in case. Never again.)
Yesterday afternoon, Sean "Diddy" Combs took to Twitter to make a big announcement. It is reprinted here in full: "MY BIG NEWS: So happy to announce that Im a series regular on DOWNTON ABBEY-my favorite show+i'll be debuting a sneak peek tonight 12am PST!"
The news was, in fact, so big and instantaneously viral that PBS was quickly called upon to deny Diddy's involvement with its flagship period drama, lest someone believe that he'd been cast as Mary's love interest, or the newest competitor in the Dowager Countess's rose contest, or the latest suitor attempting to put up with Lady Edith. How much fun was that denial? No fun. No fun at all.
Like Brad Pitt's propensity to keep his hands busy with snacks, Leonardo DiCaprio's tendency toward screeching rage wasn't a thing we'd really noticed until the Internet identified the tic. But now we will never look at Leo's boyishly handsome face again without bracing ourselves for the scream that could arrive at any moment, piercing our ears and puckering our various orifices. It is the sound of an outraged teenage eagle protesting an unfair grounding by its unfeeling parents, and it is a thing we can never unhear. This HuffPo supercut guarantees that.
If you somehow can't carve five minutes out of your day to watch the whole thing, at least skip to Andrea crying at 1:05. And Carl dreeting at 2:30. And, oh, sweet baby Judith, there's the musical number. Just make the time. Nothing else you accomplish today will be as important. Trust us.
If you have not already had the pleasure of reading the mouth-frothingly psychotic Delta Gamma sorority letter that made the rounds last week, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in and give it a fucking look. Marvel at the epistolary poetry, think to yourself, Gosh, this seems almost eerily destined to be read in dramatic lighting by any one of our Serious Male Thespians; I sure would like to see something like that, then click back to this tab and bask in the glory of Boardwalk Empire's Michael Shannon spitting boozy bile all over Rebecca Martinson's now immortal words. The whole thing is obviously mandatory viewing, but you knew going in it was going to be pass/fail based on Shannon's delivery of the phrase "c--- punt," and, well, rest assured, the man delivers.
Please stop what you are doing and watch, in slack-jawed amazement and delight, as Patton Oswalt filibusters a Pawnee City Council vote with his fevered ideas for Star Wars: Episode VII in this very extended outtake from tomorrow night's Parks and Recreation double bill. What follows is eight minutes of improvisational wizardry that ends only when Oswalt nearly dies of dry mouth, having heroically reached the extreme limits of nerd-endurance by liquefying the minds of Star Wars purists with the taboo-obliterating suggestion of a grand merger with the Marvel universe.
On this coming Sunday's episode of The Simpsons, the couch gag will pay homage to the "Crystal Blue Persuasion" montage from September's midseason finale of Breaking Bad. Wait. September? Really? It's been that long since we've had any new Breaking Bad? This has to be a mistake. Only network monsters would cut a final season in half and make us wait … sweet Heisenberg wandering in the desert, three more months! to get some resolution to a journey that began five years ago.
The original montage is below, for those who want to be crushed by unexpected nostalgia and/or fact-check the accuracy of the animated interpretation and/or grind their teeth down to dust with anticipation of the series' last eight episodes ever:
If you bothered to read past the headline, chances are pretty good you're already whipped into an anticipatory frenzy over the coming release of Fast & Furious 6. This video by NitroRCX Pictures, which replaces the life-size vroom-vrooms with remote-control cars so skillfully that you might not even be able to tell the difference in many shots, should do nothing but further engorge your Fast-on.
At a certain point we don't even have to question why Anna Kendrick does the things she does, because the net profit of Annadorable Kendrickulousness leaves us with no complaints. Here is a video about Kendrick flying to Seoul to join K-Pop girl group f(x). Is Anna Kendrick a big f(x) fan IRL? Is f(x) member Krystal Jung really a big Up in the Air fan? Is there going to be a Korean remake of Pitch Perfect? (That would only be fair.) Stop asking questions. You know you want to see Kendrick dolled up in a pink wig "like [she's] in Cloud Atlas."
In visiting the Late Show last night to promote indie sensation/coked-out-ski-mask-party docudrama Spring Breakers, star James "Alien" Franco brought up director Harmony Korine, who, the story goes, had been banned from Letterman's couch — where he had appeared a few times in the late '90s in conjunction with Kids, Gummo, and his book A Crackup at the Race Riots — because of an altercation with fellow guest Meryl Streep. Specifically, in Korine's own "a little out of it" recollection to Franco, for "pushing Meryl Streep backstage." (We will now pause for our collective, horrified reaction to someone laying hands upon Streep for any purpose other than to request a healing.)
Let's join virtually every Internet-connected citizen of the world in watching with slack-jawed delight as Mila Kunis, weary from a day of regurgitating practiced answers to promote Oz the Great and Powerful, throws away her script and helps a nervous, inexperienced BBC Radio kid get through seven minutes of normally stultifying junket time. No, she's not going to go to his mate Dicko's wedding and drop trou, and probably won't be throwing down "lad bombs" with the boys, as fun as that sounds, but she is launching him into the viral stratosphere. It's all charming enough to make us forget, however briefly, that she's dating Ashton Kutcher, a severe buzzkill we already regret mentioning.