Full Disclosure: We don't know what we're doing. One might have assumed that with the embarrassing amount of time we've spent on the Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League we would have at least come up with a plan to, you know, end the season and declare a winner. Well, we didn’t. Until now. OK, fine — we still haven't.
But what we now know for sure is that there are new shows debuting soon whose contestants need to be added to our league. So in the very near future, our GMs will hold supplemental drafts to divvy up some additional drink throwers, coitus claimers, and erection concealers. And after that, this season of the GRTFL will conclude at the end of the calendar year. Or not. We're pretty sure it will, though. Anyway, look for the results of our Jersey Shore draft soon (the show returns on August 4).
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves or lose sight of the fact that when we last saw Celebrity Rehab's Bai Ling, she was on a roof, in a bathrobe, carrying a name plate she had just ripped out of a wall
Bai Ling (Celebrity Rehab, Lane): 25 points. "She didn't know how or why she ended up on the roof," wrote GRTFL commissioner Katie Gorman in an e-mail to our team owners this week. "But even though she failed, I think she was subconsciously trying to escape. So I gave Lane 25 points instead of the full 30." Ling is the Manny Ramirez of the GRTFL — a headcase you put up with because she delivers results. It's unclear who or what truly controls her. For insight, I turned to Google and found this quote from a 2004 interview:
- "My name is Bai Ling. That means white spirit, and I really feel like sometimes I’m not existing. Sometimes I feel like I’m air, wind, and fire. Those elements. I often feel like I have this spirit living inside of me, always dressing in short mini-skirts. Through life, through work, and through interviews, I learn so much about me, because there are questions that I don’t know how to answer, but then I start to discover myself. So there are 8 spirits, mischievous ones, sad ones, handsome ones, wise ones, and crazy ones."
All cleared up: Bai Ling is a nonexistent human being in a short skirt controlled by sad, handsome, wise, and crazy spirits. If Ramirez had explained his failed drug test like this, Bud Selig would have understood and dropped his suspension.
Steven Adler and Amy Fisher (Celebrity Rehab, Simmons): 30 points (total) This pair is a GRTFL GM’s dream. Like drafting a quarterback and wide receiver on the same team, Simmons handcuffed Fisher and Adler so that when Adler successfully tried to make Fisher cry this week, he scored 25 points for Adler's yelling and 5 points for Fisher's tears. This won’t be the last time these two make big plays together. Judging from the way they worked together on Sunday, they could fight, threaten to sue each other, and have a joint pregnancy scare all in the same episode. Crafty move, Bill.
Cara Maria Sorbello and Laurel Stucky (The Challenge, Connor and House): 20 points each. These two did some topless cloudbathing (20 intentional nudity points) on a crappy beach that probably doesn't appear in too many travel pamphlets. It looked like they were dropped off at rural swimming hole on an overcast day by an out-of-ideas production staff that just told them to make the most of it. If I produced this show, I'd have made PAs chum the water to attract sharks.
C.T. (The Challenge, Jacoby): 20 points. C.T. is the Michael Jordan of The Challenge. Not simply because of his total supremacy but also because of the ways in which he's adjusted his game over the years. Back in their glory days, Jordan dominated the NBA with his tenacious athleticism, while C.T. dominated The Challenge by punching people and threatening to eat them. As Jordan aged, he adjusted to his physical limitations by developing an undefendable fadeaway jumper. As C.T. has aged, he, too, has found new ways to win. This week he debuted a “take my clothes off and jump in the pool” move (20 intentional nudity points) that is his answer to Jordan’s fadeaway. The great ones are always adding new dimensions to their games.
Ryan P. (The Bachelorette, Connor): 20 points. Ashley let Ryan P. down pretty hard this week when she told him, “You know how I said I needed physical passion? I just don’t feel it." Or something like that. After the first hour of this show, I sometimes have boredom-induced hallucinations. Regardless, 20 male crying points for Ryan P.
Mandi Moyer (The Challenge, Lane): 5 points. Mandi was awarded 5 unintentional nudity points for the brief appearance of a crotch-covering black spot. I wonder what the discussion in the editor's room was like during the cutting of this scene. I imagine it went something like this:
Editor to Producer: “You don’t really see anything, but it gets a little dicey here for few frames when she stands up."
- Producer (awakened from nap): “Oh, um, yeah, man. We should do something about that.”
Editor: “Cool. I’ll put a little blurcle there. No one will notice.”
Producer: “Wrong. Put a huge black spot there that draws attention to it.”
Producer: “What do you think about my pitch for a show where G-List celebrities open a pawn shop in the jungle while searching for America’s next great vaudeville comedian?"
Paula Meronek and Ty Ruff (The Challenge, Jacoby and House): 5 points each. Paula and Ty shared a brief kiss during a game of truth or dare. Does anyone over the age of 13 still play truth or dare? Doesn't anyone ever pick truth?
Sean Young (Celebrity Rehab, House): 15 points. Like John Paxson, Young is a one-tool athlete. She will never score points for getting kicked off a show or having a threesome, but she'll cry in the clutch. This week, she cried to Dr. Drew (5 points), cried while writing in a journal (5 points), and cried again during “equine therapy" (5 points). Apparently horses elicit an emotional response in addicts. If anyone in our league had had the foresight to draft Bell Doro, the therapeutic horse from Celebrity Rehab, he'd have netted 50 trying-to-make-someone-cry-and-succeeding points this week. My scouts have their eyes on you, Bell Doro.
Jessica “Sugar” Kiper (Celebrity Rehab, Connor): 15 points. Sugar “needs Xanax,” smokes marijuana every day, and once did cocaine for two weeks straight. She followed Sean Young’s lead this week and racked up 15 crying points of her own. A pretty good start. I would be shocked if she makes it to the end of the season without an STD scare.
Michael Lohan (Celebrity Rehab, Connor): 8 points. Michael Lohan can’t even vomit right. This week he received only partial credit (8 points out of a possible 10) for barfing because Commissioner Gorman decided that he threw up from anxiety and not imbibing. When you're the second overall pick in the GRTFL draft, you can’t put up partial-puke numbers. Lohan, you'd better start plugging your acting career or making fraudulent claims of coitus, because your team needs you.
J.P. (The Bachelorette, Jay): 5 points. J.P.'s open-mouth kiss (5 points) with Ashley finally put Jay Kang back on the positive side of zero. To be honest, the only chance Kang has at winning now is if Jenn from The Challenge reveals a past career in porn, has a threesome with T.J. and Jonna, and gets pregnant. It’s a long shot, but Wait, no, it's not.
Constantine (The Bachelorette, Lane): 5 points. Constantine and Ashley went on a date during which they wrote wishes on a floating lantern and released it into the sky. As they were painting wishes, I swear I saw Constantine scribble “Save me from this boring chick." Alas, GRTFL Commissioner Gorman found no evidence of an escape attempt. So he finished the week with 5 open-mouth kissing points as the lantern floated to the heavens.
Ben "Rafa Nadal" F. (The Bachelorette, Simmons): 5 points. Rafa Nadal and Ashley went on a date and shared a kiss for 5 points.
Suzie Ketcham (Basketball Wives, House): 10 points. Suzie grilled Royce Reed’s new man to make sure he was there for “the right reasons,” notching 10 points for House. It’s pretty clear his reasons for being there included sex and camera time.
Jessica Debolt (Love in the Wild, Simmons): 12.5 points. I'm pretty sure Jess got 10 points for winning an elimination challenge and 2.5 points for an open-mouth kiss, but I can’t be sure because I spent the entire hour that LiTW was on trying to decide which I hated more, the host’s accent or his hair. It’s his hair.
Bill Simmons (The Right Reasons): I have two thoughts this week
1. Last week on Celebrity Rehab, Steven Adler was berating Amy Fisher to the verge of tears and I was watching it screaming, "CRY! CRY! DO IT!" They're both on my team so it was like a fantasy football handcuff of sorts — Adler was trying to complete the reality version of a 50-yard TD to Fisher for me. When Amy's tears started flowing, I actually did a fist pump. (We really need the NFL Lockout to end soon.) Thanks for getting me those 30 points, Guy Who Looks Like Def Leppard's Drummer Crossed With Carl Spackler. This league is turning me into an overcompetitive psycho.
2. Remember when we thought The Challenge would be the signature show of our fantasy league? Really, it's been Celebrity Rehab — as evidenced by the fact that Bai Ling's 10-minute stint on the roof led to an actual scoring controversy, or that the show made me text the words, "We should have made 'the mere sight of a horse makes you start sobbing' worth 20 points." Here's a show that remembers why we watch reality TV in the first place, as opposed to Rivals, which really is starting to believe it's our fifth major professional sport. Half of every Rivals show revolves around actual challenges — great news for anyone who wonders what it would be like to cross a river on 12 carefully arranged hammocks while wearing a helmet cam. Meanwhile, a raucous game of drunk truth or dare was shoehorned into Wednesday's episode as an afterthought, like the producers were saying, "We probably need to include this, but let's just zip through it because there's no way our audience wants to see these degenerate maniacs dare each other to do deviant things and/or confess deviant things they once did. That would get old after a minute or two. They'll definitely want more of the hammock race." I've had it with Bunim-Murray Productions and their persistent underachieving — it's amazing that Jay Kang didn't draft them.
Connor Schell (Who We Thought They Were): Ever since Bill threw his temper tantrum, questioning my ethics in the draft, this league was destined to come down to the two of us (sorry, Jay). His subsequent evil threats to kick me out of the league, his whiny message-board posts, and complaining podcasts have all just fueled the fire. So as we gear up for an epic finish that may or may not come before the next NBA season, just remember that late in the game a team adapts the demeanor of its leader. I lead with the calm confidence of Larry Bird while you patrol the sidelines like Christian Bale after someone moved a light while he was delivering a line. You should be ashamed. This is a two-horse race and I haven't even brought out the whip yet.
Bill Simmons (The Right Reasons): I had three more thoughts
3. ABC made a huge Bachelorette mistake last week — instead of running that lame interview with Emily the Race Car Widow after she broke up with Brad, they should have flown her to Thailand, trotted her out in front of Ashley's six remaining suitors, then told the guys, "Choose between them." Six votes later, Ashley would have been the first Bachelorette ever kicked off her own show. That's the only move that could have salvaged this season. ABC used to be smart.
4. Sean Young used to be really pretty.
5. I used to like Connor.
David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage): As a midtable team, we at Blanket Coverage welcome the prospect of the supplemental drafts. In fact, we've had scouts outside the residences of every Jersey Shore cast member for the past month. In the interest of maintaining a competitive advantage I can't share what we've learned, but I will be making some unconventional picks as the season comes to a close. I am going be very upset if Steve Buscemi plays me in the movie Stankyball.
Lane Brown (The Blurcle Jerks): With our Jersey Shore draft coming up, and since I assume we'll be selecting our players in reverse order of points, I find myself in the strange, temporary position of rooting for my team to hold back ("Haven't you had enough to drink?!" "Let everybody see that erection!" etc.) in order to secure a higher pick. Unless Bai Ling joins a convent and Johnny Bananas skips the next five challenges to build houses for the homeless, Jay "2.5" Kang will probably get Ronnie. But if my Celebrity Rehab players can stop crying, and Mandi from The Challenge can be a little more careful when she stands up, I might have a shot at Snooki.
Joe House (The Fantashiques): After last week's pointless diatribe, I'm keeping it short and sour this week: Something must be done with Sugar of Celebrity Rehab. She cries without provocation, her "addictions" are apparently to pot and alcohol (um, I went to college, too) and she conveniently remembers nothing about her past that might help explain her problems. But my real complaint is that I don't know who the hell she is. Isn't it mildly important on a show that claims to feature "celebrities" that she be known for something? Here's how I know she's not a celebrity: David Jacoby has more followers on Twitter. I'll give Sugar something to cry about — she should be excluded from this league.
Jay Caspian Kang: I have no more words for all of you. I can only show you the video of what happened last night in the clubhouse after a reporter asked me why I decided to waste a high draft pick on Hobie from Baywatch, who, as we all now know, is only on Celebrity Rehab because of his HGH addiction. And yes, America, if you must know that's exactly what I look like. Also, my son played a few years in the Royals organization. His name is Brian.