It is upon us. The Italy-based fourth season of the cultural phenomenon/black eye that is Jersey Shore debuts tonight on MTV. Of course, the Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League wouldn’t be complete unless we held a supplemental draft to bolster our rosters with the drink-throwers, coitus-deniers, and boob-adjusters who have made this TV show the most internationally beloved American invention since toilet paper. In true GRTFL style, we have come up with a list of Jersey Shore-specific rules (to be added to our general GRTFL rules) so absurd and complex that whoever scores this thing will be as afflicted as the T-shirts on Ronnie and Vinny.
Jersey Shore Rules
- Complaining about "fame": 10 points
- Referencing the "homeland," "motherland," or "old country": 5 points
- Complaining about not speaking or being able to understand Italian: 5 points
- Complaining that Italy sucks: 2.5 points
- Consciously attempting to create catchphrase: 10 points
- Preparing a full meal upon returning from an evening out: 5 points
- Complaining about being full while continuing to eat: 5 points
- Eating something in a suggestive way: 5 points
- Wearing sunglasses after dark: 2.5 points
- Primping in front of mirror: 5 points
- Adjusting one's boobs in front of a mirror: 7.5 points
- Being intoxicated at work: 10 points
- Falling over in public due to intoxication (knee or ass must hit ground): 10 points
- Dumping the contents of someone's suitcase or closet outdoors: 15 points
- Setting up a "prank" that's not really a prank: 10 points
- Discussing one's bowel movements: 5 points
- Non-toilet urination: 10 points
- Spreading gossip about someone else's sexual activity: 5 points
- Being rejected when attempting to bring someone home from a club: -10 points
- Bringing someone home from a club and failing to hook up with them: -10 points
- Hooking up with a "grenade" or someone whose attractiveness has been impugned: 10 points
As with most drafts, the picks in the GRTFL Jersey Shore supplemental one were ordered to assist the league's worst-performing franchises, then reordered following a trade. Unlike most drafts, this one included a swap for "the rights to Bai Ling and the first-round pick in the Bachelor Pad supplemental draft." I would pay a healthy amount of money to hear David Stern read that at a podium. Lane traded up to a no. 1 pick, giving Kang his no. 4 pick, Bai Ling, and his first Bachelor Pad selection. We went only one round, so the two unclaimed cast members (Pauly D and Sammi) will be added to our BP draft, which takes place this weekend.
1. Lane Brown (The Blurcle Jerks, 397.5 points): Snooki
Easy decision. Even though our rules don't reward hitting police cars, injuring cops, being arrested, or spending nights in prison, she's still 1,000 points in the bank ("Falling over in public due to intoxication: 10 points").
2. David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage, 327 points): Deena
Very difficult decision. Grantland's Dan Fierman made a great point the other day — this is a contract year for Deena. She's yet to fully solidify her spot as a member of the cast, and the pressure to perform will have her half-naked, drunk, and entertaining more Italian men than the 2006 World Cup. Sure, Ronnie will score male-crying and physical-fighting points, but my scouts say Deena will be the more consistent contributor. Also, when drafting you always have to keep an eye on clubhouse chemistry. C.T. and Ronnie together just seems like a recipe for a Miami Heat "whose team is this?" problem, and I need C.T. to know he's still the alpha cannibal on Blanket Coverage.
3. Joe House (The Fantashiques, 279 points): Ronnie
I hold these truths to be self-evident: Yellow squash is inedible. The Washington Bullets would have made it to the Eastern Conference finals in the '90s if Gheorghe Muresan's pituitary had behaved. I would come out to the Junkyard Band's "Sardines" for every at-bat if I played professional baseball. And Ronnie Roids will engage in the type of antisocial, pathological behavior that is richly, richly rewarded by the points-scoring system concocted for this affair. Repeatedly. Sometimes the obvious choice also happens to be the correct one.
4. Jay Caspian Kang (Fradulent Coitus, 69.5 points): The Situation
Speaking of despicable human behavior, after trading the first pick of the Jersey Shore supplemental draft to Lane Brown for Bai Ling, the no. 4 pick, and his first-round pick in the upcoming Bachelor Pad draft, I was discussing the reasoning behind my strategy to our lead editor, Dan Fierman. This was my logic: Deena needs to get in some time this season or risk falling by the wayside. The Blast in a Glass is going to be hungry this season, and the men of Italy are going to pay the price. Because everyone's seen the trailer, I projected the first three picks would go: Snooki, Ronnie, and the Situation. That means, I would get Deena, Bai Ling, and two first-rounders on the uber-smutty Bachelor Pad. As I was explaining this, Jacoby was sitting very quietly over at the next desk. He had the no. 2 pick in the Jersey Shore draft. When it came time for him to pick, he, of course, picked Deena and parroted my logic as his justification. Meaning, the Czar is a fraud.
5. Connor Schell (Who We Thought They Were, 418 points): JWoww
At this point in the GRTFL season, it seems like teaming JWoww up with Jenn could lead to spectacular results.
6. Bill Simmons (The Right Reasons, 596 points): Vinny
I couldn't take Sammi because she's impossible to root for — and I'm someone who has A-Rod on his fantasy team, so that's saying something. I couldn't take Pauly D because he never hooks up, gets into fights, or does anything other than sit there confused as other people are fighting. That left Vinny — at the very least, he'll give me two halfhearted temper tantrums, some drunken hookups, some overeating while complaining about how full he is, and at least one messy hookup with Snooki that will make me not want to have sex for three weeks.