Reality TV went to some really dark places this week. We had a Basketball Wife with a child endangerment police case, a Survivor struggling with his religious beliefs, a Real World-er struggling with abandonment issues, and Snooki struggling to keep her blood alcohol level over a .2 for every minute of her stay in Italy. Snooki was the only one who successfully overcame the struggle. When you start your day at 7:30 a.m. by downing two huge mimosas, burping, and then yelling, “I love mimosas!” there is a good chance you will be atop the GRTFL leaderboard.
Snooki (Jersey Shore, Lane), 60 points: Snooki, America needs you. We work in cubicles for 10 hours a day, are out of shape, underpaid, undersexed, insecure, and are slowly realizing that we will never live the life we dreamed of when we graduated college. We are not kings, but you are our court jester. You provide us with a weekly, hour-long break in the inertia of our inadequate reality. You laugh, you burp, you fall down, you dance, you wear preposterous outfits and you are always there to make us smile. That is why we need you back. We can’t have you crying (5 points), having rebound sex with Vinny (25 points), crying some more (5 points), fighting with Mike (5 points), crying some more (5 points), fighting with JWOWW (5 points), crying some more (5 points), and then crying one more time at the buzzer (5 points). Don’t be so selfish, Snooki; pull yourself together, throw on seven animal prints at once, dance like an amateur stripper, bring a juicehead home, make him a grilled cheese, and then puke all over him. Do it for America, Snooki. We just lost Steve Jobs, we can’t lose two American heroes in one week.
Frank (Real World, Connor), 35 points: At one point the other roommates in the house started talking about Frank’s “Drunk Self.” It’s a good indicator that you should lay off the booze when people refer to you when you are drinking as “Drunk Self” instead of “Drunk Frank.” While Drunk Self was out and about, he called Ashley a slut (5 points), cried (20 points), blamed everything on his parents (10 points), aggressively hit on a girl, and aggressively got dissed. Seconds later, he aggressively hit on a dude and aggressively got dissed. Drunk Self taught us a lesson this week — it is not as easy as you think to be bisexual.
Vinny (Jersey Shore, Simmons), 30 points: Vinny is the only member of the cast whom you would hire for a full-time job that didn’t involve a floor-to-ceiling pole. He is the lone voice of reason, the one you want to watch a football game with, and the one who everyone else goes to with their problems. That is why it was so hard to see him take advantage of our national hero, Snooki, the way he did. When a friend has hours ago gone through a breakup, crawls into your bed, and demands that you coitus her, it is your duty to deny her. Vinny did not do his duty (25 points). Deep inside I know there is a part of him that feels guilty for putting part of him deep inside Snooki. I could see it on his face as he stared off into the Sicilian sunset while tracing his roots in the “motherland” (5 points). Either that or he was just still in a food coma.
Alexandra (Real World, Lane), 30 points: There is a long list of Real World cast members who are using the opportunity to find themselves a career as a musician. There is also an equally long list of Real World cast members who never had a career as a musician. When Alexandra had her friends over to record some music (10 points) and sing in front of everyone (20 points), something shocking happened: She could actually sing. On the “Real World Cast Members Who Might Actually Make It As A Musician” list, she is right above Neil from London and below Mohammed from San Francisco.
Laura (Basketball Wives, House), 25 points: Laura, the woman who may or may not have cheated on Gilbert Arenas with Shaquille O’Neal, has an extremely effective, albeit unorthodox, fighting style.
She seized the opportunity to face off in the MMA octagon against Draya, the sworn enemy of all basketball wives — the younger, sexier, funner version of themselves whom they have labeled a “groupie.” Before the fight, you got the feeling that Draya knew she was overmatched. I haven’t seen every single fight in Muhammad Ali's career, but I doubt during the meeting in the center of the ring before a fight Ali ever looked his opponent in the eye and said, “Please don’t hurt my boobs. Serious. They’ll break.” Once the fight began, Draya meekly threw a left jab in Laura’s direction that was countered by a barrage of punches that made up for their lack of quality and accuracy with an overwhelming abundance of quantity and rage. Laura then put Draya in a headlock and Nolan Ryan-ed her until three MMA goons had to come in and pull her off before she beat Draya to death (25 points). After the fight, Draya was unfazed. Sure, she just was brutally assaulted, embarrassed on national television, and lost her dignity, but she still had what she cherished the most — her boobs.
Brandon (Survivor, Lane) 25 points: If there were a 6-foot-8 freshman in college who had a 40-inch vertical leap, a textbook jumper, and a Charles Oakley attitude, I would want my favorite NBA team to draft him. If he had a “Loco” tattoo on his neck? I would want them to draft him more. Why did I not follow the same logic when I passed on Brandon in the Survivor draft? The guy has “Loco” tattooed on his neck, for crying out loud. Of course he’s going to cry (20 points) at every tribal council (5 bonus points) and have sniffly exchanges like this with host Jeff Probst:
Probst: “What is upsetting to you right now?”
Brandon: “Because man, I just want to be somebody that God is proud of.”
I don’t know how to explain this to you, Brandon. Here — let’s imagine that human beings were plates and God was throwing a dinner party. Reality-TV contestants aren’t exactly the “good china.” Dig it?
Draya (Basketball Wives, Jacoby), 10 points: Buckle up, it’s about to get weird. The Basketball Wives Googled their nemesis, Draya, and found a police report that details a child-endangerment case against her. Appalled, they decided to confront Draya about the report; naturally, they chose to do so in a nightclub. When they brought the case to Draya’s attention she claimed the police report was fake, started crying (5 points), and got in a fight with “Crazy” Jackie because she called her crazy (5 points). Hey, Basketball Wives, stay in your lane — next week can we get a little less Draya child-endangerment police reports and a little more Draya on a stripper pole? I would appreciate it; the only child-endangerment jokes I have involve David Hasselhoff.
“Crazy” Jackie (Basketball Wives, Connor), 10 points: “Crazy” Jackie’s craziest moment this week had nothing to do with fighting with Draya about her parenting skills (5 points) and everything to do with her own parenting skills. Jackie’s 18-year-old daughter, Chantel, has come of age, and Jackie is having trouble communicating with her daughter about her sexual activity. Most parents would just bite the bullet, get the awkward conversation over with, and pour themselves a cocktail strong enough to erase any thoughts of their little girl being intimate. Not “Crazy” Jackie. “Crazy” Jackie hires a “peer counselor” to come in and mediate. Then “Crazy” Jackie says things so outlandish she became the source of this week’s top five list. The top five craziest things “Crazy” Jackie said during her teary (5 points) birds-and-the-bees conversation with her daughter and the peer counselor, listed in order from “Hmm, that’s an odd thing to say” to “Get this woman a straitjacket before she kills us all”:
1. “We don’t need to talk about the penis going in the vagina, but we do need to talk about sex.”
2. “She has never even kissed a boy. I don’t think. Oh, you have?”
3. “I am going to be honest, I don’t want a guy touching my daughter. I have a problem with that.”
4. “When boys kiss your breast, do you even know what that feels like?”
5. “I hope you never have oral sex.”
Mike (Jersey Shore, Kang), 5 points: While Mike was dodging the various household items that Snooki threw at him (5 points), it was hard not to notice that without his usual three gallons of hair goop The Situation looks exactly like 2010 Rihanna.
Ronnie (Jersey Shore, House), 5 points: Ronnie complained about being full while visiting Vinny’s Sicilian family (5 points). At what point does feeding someone stop being a loving gesture and turn into a form of torture? Their trip to Sicily went from Jersey Shore meets Godfather II to Jersey Shore meets Fear Factor.
JWOWW (Jersey Shore, Connor), 5 points: JWOWW went the tough-love route when consoling Snooki after her breakup (5 points). A breakup that ended at the end of the episode when Jionni decided that he would give Snooki a “second chance” even though she slept with Vinny. Everyone at home who said, “What is this guy doing? She just told him she slept with another dude and he’s taking her back?” is an amateur manipulator and isn’t hip to what Jionni’s real play is here. Jionni is taking her back because that way he maintains his superfamous millionaire girlfriend and has a license to cheat on her at will. Well played, Jionni, I see you.
Zach (Real World, House), 5 points: Zach is a simple fella. He doesn’t overthink anything but his facial regimen. Yes, the uber-masculine football guy shaves his legs and has a facial regimen. I don’t understand it either. However, sometimes it is people who view the world through the lens of simplicity who can really see through the BS and tell it like it is. If you have not seen this show, Zach's dishing to his bro about his roommates sums up the first two episodes perfectly:
On Priscilla: “There is this girl. The 19-year-old girl. She has got fake yabbos. That never hurt the situation.”
On Alexandra: “Oh, and there is a girl from Zimbabwe. She is like the most down-to-earth calm girl I have ever met in my life.”
On Ashley: “Ashley is good-looking. She has all the utensils to be a hot girl.”
On Nate: “Nate’s the [unintelligible] dude.”
On Frank: “There is a guy named Frank. I just found out yesterday he is bisexual.”
On Sam: “She likes chicks. I love this place.”
Nate (Real World, Kang), 5 points: Nate is the aggressive flirter guy. Even though he made out with a stranger this week (5 points), he clearly has no game. He opens with “I am a nuclear scientist” and then follows that up with “Check out my socks. How awesome are those?” Can you imagine Sean Connery saying, “Check out my socks. How awesome are those?” Actually, bad example. I can totally imagine Sean Connery saying, “Check out my socks. How awesome are those?” and it sounds super-pimpish.
Gloria (Basketball Wives, Lane), 5 points: Gloria cried a bit this episode (5 points) and was planning a charity golf event for her boo, Matt Barnes. Every VH1 and Bravo reality show cast member’s activities basically boil down to planning events, promoting events, wearing ridiculous outfits to events, and then watching the fights at the events. They are basically Don King. God bless America.
Sophie (Survivor, Jacoby), -10 points: Sophie put a sad face on her vote card (-10 points), which is excusable because she is 22 years old. If you are over 30 and you use emoticons you should be ashamed of yourself and you tweet too much.
I blame it on my wife, but I secretly really enjoy The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Don’t judge me. There is this woman on it named Kim Richards who could very well be the worst hang in the history of hangs. She is insufferably chatty, seemingly omni-intoxicated, and punctuates every single sentence with a self-conscious cackle. Man, she is the worst. Last season she was accused by her sister of being an alcoholic and went into rehab. This season she is never shown drinking, but also never appears to be completely sober either. I have spent hours theorizing exactly what intoxicant she is on and still can’t figure it out for the life of me. If she is truly sober, liquor companies should start using her as an anti-anti-alcohol campaign: “If you stop drinking, your friends will hate to be around you such as Kim Richards’ do.”
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