Well, Razzie lovers, things just got interesting, didn’t they?
All year, we’ve been disappointed by the movies we thought might be Razzie contenders. Transformers: Dark of the Moon? Coulda been worse. Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Frustratingly good. J. Edgar? Despised by some, not all. It’s enough to make veteran Razzie gurus like ourselves throw their hands to the sky and cry, “Why? Why must we suffer so? For God’s sake, can’t someone in Hollywood make a shitty movie that everyone hates?”
Then, like a sweet soft rain in the sun-blasted desert, came Jack and Jill. Oh, we had hopes. Thanks be to the great Razzie God (Sylvester Stallone), those prayers were answered. Jack and Jill is historically terrible. Its Tomatometer score is 4 percent. Among “top critics,” it’s a rock-solid zero. The Sony lawyers had to hustle Friday night to eliminate a glorious fake Twitter account that encapsulated everything horrible about the movie. Larry King loved it.
And, of course, the jewel in the crown of Jack and Jill’s Razzie hopes: an unqualified rave from delightful professional contrarian Armond White. When we read “Sandler’s subtle feminine caricature — especially in dancing and athleticism — that avoids making Jill a clownish grotesque ...” we stopped thinking about Jack and Jill’s Razzie chances this year and started thinking about where it might stack up in all-time Razzie history.
Could it become the most-Raspberried film of all time? It’s a tall order: Jack and Jill would have to land nine trophies to beat the current “all-time Razzie champeen,” 2007’s I Know Who Killed Me. But we think Adam Sandler can pull it off. Here’s a step-by-step guide for Sony’s Razzie campaign staff.
1. Double up. I Know Who Killed Me made the most of Lindsay Lohan’s double role; Lohan won Worst Screen Couple and earned two trophies for Worst Actress, tying herself for the award. For Jack and Jill to challenge Lohan’s haul, Sony needs to lobby for Worst Actor and Worst Actress for Sandler’s dual roles, and make the case for why each performance is distinctly horrible. Sure, that’s easy for Sandler’s drag show as Jill Sadelstein, but what about Jack? He’s repulsive, of course, but no more repulsive than Sandler himself. A good campaign will find ways to convince voters that both roles deserve Razzie gold.
2. Cite precedent. One of I Know Who Killed Me’s eight Razzies was for Best Remake or Ripoff — an award for which Jack and Jill isn’t eligible. Or is it?! This is how Razzie consultants and publicists earn their fees, after all. If Sony’s smart, right now someone’s holed up in an office cutting a DVD of great drag performances — Some Like It Hot, Tootsie, Paris Is Burning, Bosom Buddies — to remind Razzie voters of the years of tradition Jack and Jill is, yes, Ripping Off. Look for the video on YouTube, posted by a suspiciously history-free user, sometime in mid-December.
3. Take advantage of your support. Your supporting cast, that is. Jack’s primary advantage over I Know Who Killed Me is in the Worst Supporting Actor/Actress categories, where the prior film received only one nomination, for non-star Julia Ormond. Jack, on the other hand, has major stars doing majorly bad work in both categories: Katie Holmes and Al Pacino. Pacino’s live-wire performance as Al Pacino Panting After Adam Sandler Like a Cartoon Wolf seems like a lock; Holmes is a tougher sell in a year in which Freida Pinto had two supporting roles.
So could it happen? Sure it could! Worst Picture, Director, Screenplay in a runaway. Sandler wins Worst Actress and Worst Actor. Sandler and Sandler win Worst Screen Couple. Pacino takes Supporting Actor; with the smell of a sweep in the air, Holmes surprises everyone by taking Supporting Actress. In a controversial result, Jack takes Prequel/Remake/Rip-off/Sequel (as a rip-off of The Crying Game). And boom — that’s nine wins, a new record!
What a winter it’s gonna be, Razzie fans!
New This "Weak"
Adam Sandler’s biggest end-of-year competition arrives this weekend, as Breaking Dawn Part 1 bursts from theaters like demonic hellspawn delivered by stomach-biting Caesarian section. Advance reviews are dependably awful, but there’s one glaring problem with Breaking Dawn’s Razzie hopes, and her name is Manohla Dargis. What are you doing, Manohla!? “The latest and the best” of the Twilight movies? Comparisons to Tree of Life? All it takes is a couple of Razzie voters who read this review, shrug, and decide not to see Breaking Dawn after all, and director Bill Condon could have a long, lousy Razzie season.
On the "Bore"-izon
As quality-movie season slogs on, boring the pants off every Razzie fan, we’re faced with weekend after weekend devoid of crap. Look at Thanksgiving week! Seven major releases, and not a single one of them looks particularly bad. The only hope on the horizon is December 9, when the R-rated Jonah Hill vehicle The Sitter faces off with hopelessly overpopulated rom-com New Year’s Eve, featuring America’s sweetheart, Ashton Kutcher. They both look awful. But in this possibly historic year, will awful be good enough?
See you after the holidays, RazzieWatchers!
Dan Kois is a longtime Razzie guru who Twitters at his Twitter page here. If you want to talk Golden Raspberries anytime day or night, call 1-900-RAZZIES. $3 for the first minute, 25¢ for each additional minute.
Previously: RazzieWatch: The Five Biggest Razzie Disappointments of 2011
Profile of a Razzie Lock: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star
RazzieWatch: Who Will Win Worst Supporting Actress?
RazzieWatch: Worst-Director Showdown
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