Tree Shake Movement for Cleansing the Liver
Tess Lynch: Mumble Master Nan Lu demonstrates how to cleanse your liver of your New Year's Eve libations while terrorizing your dog and turning your neighbor's hangovers into spicy balls of fire that will make their discarded party hats ignite. I think this is a good alternative to the Master Cleanse, but so is chopping off your left leg with a hacksaw.
When Harry Met Sally
Patrice Evans: Full disclosure, since I'm typing this with no guys around: I love this movie (oh, you guys love it too? awww). And every year (well, couple years or so) I get the chance to do this romantic face-plant thing. Essentially you just need three to four random details about the target of your affection, which, y'know, hopefully you're at a New Year's Eve party where that's not an unreasonable request. Honestly, re-creating the part where Billy Crystal is saying, "I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out" is just icing. But updating it with "I love how you furrow your brow while looking for the vodka at the liquor table" can be fun. Depends. But the crucial delivery is when you say, right to their eyes, "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
What does someone to that? Invariably, like most of 2012 to follow, it will be anticlimactic. I've heard people say, "When Harry Met Sally! haha!" Or even the next line, "You say things like that and make it impossible for me to hate you." Or most frequently, "Uhhhhh. Haha. Umm, what?" But for one second, whether male or female, new romantic interest or longtime childhood friend, they will have a twinkle in their eye just like Meg Ryan does here, and since it's a New Year's Eve countdown and all, it will absolutely be the best moment of the year. Happy New Year.
New Year's Eve: The Trailer
Katie Baker: Do I even need to explain?
World's Worst New Year's Fireworks Display
Andy Greenwald: We all expect too much out of New Year’s Eve. If even the greatest actor of his generation is willing to fake-die with a dopey grin on his face at the very sight of the touristy hellmaw that is Times Square, what sort of precedent does that set for us mere mortals? So I feel for the 70,000+ residents of Albany, Georgia’s ninth-largest city and almost birthplace of Buster Posey. Like any American, they wanted a big bang to ring in their 2010 and what they got was a feeble fizzle. The most heartbreaking part of this sad celebration is the info on the tag, explaining that the fireworks display “started at 12am and ended at 12:04am.” But the most universal part is the anticipation: Even though the video only lasts 46 seconds, it’s impossible not to spend every last one of those seconds expecting — wishing! hoping! — that something better will happen; something special, something worthy of midnight on January first, something signifying the fresh possibilities of a brand new year.
Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
The Dismemberment Plan, "Ice of Boston"
Amos Barshad: OK, so this video is just the lyrics to the song spliced with some lovely iStockphoto.com selections, but that’s about all the imagery we need. Over a chugging, muted riff, The Dismemberment Plan’s Travis Morrison talks us through an evocatively familiar worst-case New Year’s Eve scenario: You’re home, alone, drunk, bitter, confused, in denial, sad about a girl, naked, with champagne in your hair, and you have to talk to your mom on the phone. And — although halfway through the track you may well become concerned not only with your own mental health and social standing, but also your plans for New Year’s Eve 2012 — it’s not those pangs of terror that elevate “Ice of Boston.” It’s the fact that, just before the song ends, after all that romantic self-pity, Travis manages to pull his shit together. He’s in bed, trying to fall asleep, listening to Gladys Knight on the radio sing about how “she’d rather live in his world with him than live in her world alone,” and he has a revelation: “Oh, Gladys, girl, I love you — but, oh! Get a life!” Tell ‘em, Trav.
Alex Pappademas: Oh, this fucking guy.
"2012, bring it on!" says Joseph Vincent
Mike Philbrick: Apparently Joseph Vincent kind of, sort of got famous for doing the whole Justin Bieber thing, which is post videos of yourself signing on YouTube and hope for the best. He won $10,000 from Ellen DeGeneres' Wonderful Web of Wonderment thing she did on her show and then got a record deal, so I guess you could technically argue that it worked. Oh, and if you want to know about his music you can either find it on your own (I'm not linking to it) or trust my opinion when I say he's what a very poor man would call an even-poorer man's Bruno Mars (apologies to Bruno Mars if he is reading this). Anyway, when you are a fledgling musician trying to reach your fans through the free marketing tool that is YouTube, I think it's safe to say that JoVin delivers the textbook on how not to deliver a Happy New Year message.
Let's break down the highlights:
0:00-0:04 — In total silence (and slightly out of focus) hides behind his dog in order to make it appear that the dog waving to us.
0:04-0:09 — Stares at the dog with a menacing look while doing some sort of heaving breathing before doing an extreme close-up to declare his Happy New Year intentions.
You know what? I'm done. I'm nine seconds in and I can't do this anymore. Sorry, you'll just have to watch the rest yourself.
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