Nothing happened on Jersey Shore this week. Nothing. I can honestly look you right in the eye and tell you that we've established a stupid scoring system that rewards reality TV cast members for drinking, fighting, and coitus-denying — yet the entire cast of Jersey Shore scored a mere five points. Five points. You probably scored more than five GRTFL points at Thursday happy hour yesterday. I couldn’t be more disappointed by a show that just a year ago was a frenzy of fisticuffs and freakiness. Thank god for The Bachelor. The Bachelor is like a Justin Timberlake song; I don’t want to like it, I pretend I don’t like it, but I can’t get it out of my head. The Bachelor is so dumb, so wrong, and so damn American I want to print every frame of it on paper so I can eat it and have it sit in my tummy. If you aren’t watching The Bachelor, start immediately: It is like Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea — it’s about nothing and everything all at the same time.
Nicki (The Bachelor, Simmons), 35 points: For those of you not versed in The Bachelor formula, this episode is a lot like the first scene in King Kong ... if King Kong owned a winery, had a rap video on the Internet and looked just like Rafa Nadal. Each of the remaining ladies got dolled up in her Sunday best and presented to Ben The Bachelor for an overnight date in the “Fantasy Suite.” This nationally televised, bizzaro version of “seven seconds in heaven” is Ben The Bachelor’s chance to sexually test drive each of his potential fiancées before proposing to one of them in the finale. It watches more like an extremely expensive sexless porn than it does a network reality show. It is uncomfortable, awkward, and easily the best episode every single season.
Nicki was the first to be presented to King Kong/Ben The Bachelor, and immediately the two of them were swept up in a helicopter and chauffeured around the Swiss Alps. There they were deposited for a picnic on a grassy mountaintop while another helicopter circled them to get the perfect panoramic make-out-on-top-of-the-world-shot. (5 points) (Seriously, this show must have spent at least a million dollars on helicopters this season.) Once back on firm ground, Nicki and Ben were soon making out in the fantasy suite (5 points), in the hot tub of the fantasy suite (10 points), and Nicki was asking Ben how many children he wanted (10 points). Like the procreation investigation, almost every single statement in the episode between Ben The Bachelor and his “maybe-I-will-propose-to-you-but-first-let’s-shag” partner is made in a code language designed to disguise sexual undertones.
So, this week’s GRTFL Top Five List is the Top Five Episode Quotes That Become Clearer When You Add the Word "Coitus" — listed from “That seems like a bit of a stretch, Jacoby” to “That sounded like something written for a pizza man in porno”:
- 5. Statement by Ben: “Tonight at dinner I have an invitation to give Lindzi for an overnight portion. These overnights and being able to spend time alone and everything is really important. But I wonder if we are going to be able to get to the vulnerable state of where we need to be in to have lasting love.”
Code word you should replace with “coitus”: “vulnerable”
4. Statement by Ben: “I see more of an affectionate side of Lindzi today. More openness and willingness to want to be with me.”
Code words you should replace with “coitus”: “Be with.”
3. Statement by Nicki: “I am not a cocky person, but I am confident that I would make you so happy. I would give you as much as you deserve because you are a good person, Ben.”
Code word you should replace with “coitus”: “happy”
2. Ben: "Lindzi is taking risks. She is vulnerable. She is the most vulnerable I have ever seen her and I'm thinking, I love Lindzi."
Code word you should replace with “coitus”: “vulnerable”
1. Ben: “I do have something for you and this is kind of a big step. And I know how I feel about it, if you want to read it and let me know you feel ... ”
Courtney: “Well, you said you know how you feel. How do you feel about us? I want to know."
Ben: “I feel good about us. Especially after having kind of a difficult time, I was almost kind of dreading asking. I know that I am ready to have just uninterrupted everything ... "
Courtney: “That is, like, the perfect word.”
Code word you should replace with “coitus”: No need in this case. It is all pretty much right there.
Anyway, Nicki was kicked off the show, cried (5 points), and will soon be spreading oral herpes around Bachelor Pad. I can’t wait.
Royce (Basketball Wives, Jacoby), 35 points: It’s a good thing that Meryl Streep won the Best Actress Oscar this year, because now that Royce from Basketball Wives is officially a thespian (10 points) she will likely win every Best Actress Oscar for the next few decades. Royce gave one of the worst auditions in the history of theater this week and landed herself a role in an off off off off Broadway play. I have no idea how she is going to keep her failing dance company (20 points) alive now that she is starring in a failing play. The only possible reason she was awarded this role was the fact that she was being tailed by a reality TV crew — she even said herself, “Who wants to work with somebody who has been deemed as being crazy when they can work with somebody that has no baggage?”
Royce does come with serious baggage. Every single season of this show she is infatuated with a new man that she brings home and parades in front of her poor dad. Every single one is more “not like the other guys” and “for real this time” than the last. It has caused such a strain on their relationship that Royce cried this week on the show discussing it (5 points), and hundreds of potential mothers and fathers watching decided that having children maybe wasn’t for them.
Lindzi (The Bachelor, Simmons), 35 points: Lindzi, you wear too much damn makeup. It's a shame, too — because underneath all that there may be a pretty girl, but we'll never see it because she applies her daily makeup running in front of a face-paint cannon. This week the producers of The Bachelor spent the entire show trying to convince us that there is a chance that Ben The Bachelor is going to select Lindzi instead of Courtney as his “let’s get engaged so we can be on the cover of Star magazine”-to-be. They even went so far as to show them making out a ton of times (15 points), bringing Kacie B. back to tell Ben what a mistake he would be making if he selected Courtney, and showing Ben say “I love Lindzi ... ” a few times. What they didn’t show was him finishing that sentence with “ ... but I am in love with Courtney.”
Anyway, Lindzi revealed to Ben The Bachelor Who I Have Never Seen In The Same Room At The Same Time As Rafa Nadal that she is "falling in love with him" (20 points) before joining him in the fantasy suite. On her way to the fantasy suite she delivered the classic, “Normally I don’t just go stay the night with anyone, but I would love to.” Anyone who has ever spent the night with anyone has heard the “normally I don’t do this” routine. “Normally I don’t do this” is second only to “I would love a massage” in the precursor-to-guaranteed-sex rankings.
Courtney (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 20 points: It's over. There is no reason to pretend anymore. Courtney, The Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes, wins this thing and is now Ben’s girlfriend/fiancé/person-to-date-so-you-can-stay-on-the-cover–of-Us Weekly. The Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes threw a couple makeouts (15 points) and a cry (5 points) out there this episode, while the producers did everything they could to make it seem like her trouble getting along with the other women on the show was troubling Rafa. But at the end of the day it all boils down to this: Men want to marry models. Men want to marry models because men are superficial, shallow, and stupid. David Blaine froze himself, buried himself alive, and spent seven days underwater just so he could date models. I rest my case.
Paula (The Challenge, Simmons) 20 points: If your girlfriend or boyfriend ever says to you, “I am going on MTV’s The Challenge, I’ll be back in two months,” what they are really saying to you is, “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Paula has a boyfriend “back home,” but that doesn’t stop her from celebrating her Dome victory (10 points) with Ty and having the following exchange:
- Paula: “Do you know what I am going to look like in 20 years?”
Ty: “My baby mama. [Jacoby note: Pimpish line there, Ty, didn’t know you had it in you] I am already thinking about what our kids are going to look like.”
Paula: “You want, like, supermodel babies.”
Ty: “I want them to specialize at something at a very young age. I am trying to make A-Listers here. Not trying to have regular kids.”
Then later, during the interview segment:
- Paula: “Do I think Ty is hot? Yeah. Is he fun to be around? Duh. So I find myself around him a lot, but I also have to worry about my boyfriend, so nothing is going to happen ... ”
By “nothing is going to happen,” Paula means “infidelity is totally going to happen.” (10 points)
Evelyn (Basketball Wives, Connor), 15 points: Evelyn spent this episode planning her nuptials to Chad OchoCincoJohnsonWhatIsHisLastNameNow? When discussing her relationship with Chad there were some moments of genuine emotion — like when she considered her ailing brother-in-law walking her down the aisle (5 x 3 =15 crying points) — and then there were moments like this:
- Chad: “You know, I, I think we should be able to go out sometime and see a girl I like. I think we should be able to bring her home.”
Evelyn: “Yeah, what if I don’t like her?”
Imagine how your significant other would react to such a proposal. Is “What if I don’t like her?” even on the board? If your significant other goes with “What if I don’t like her?” they are either sexually bored or Roseanne Barr. Either way, you're in a tough spot.
Diem (The Challenge, House), 15 points: Imagine a world where CT from The Challenge is a sane, articulate, and rational human being. THAT IS THIS FUCKING WORLD! Somehow CT has gone from a lunatic, violent cannibal to normal fella that you would love to have a beer with. When once I feared CT and found him to be the most intimidating human since my junior high school principal, now I totally empathize with him. Check this testy exchange (5 points) he had with his teary (5 points), inslopsicated (5 points) ex-girlfriend, Diem:
- CT: “As much as you say that you know me, you know me to a point and I don’t want you to know me.”
Diem: “I know that you liked me. I know that you loved me.”
CT: “What are you talking about? You dumped me. I moved on. You don’t want me. Leave me alone. Why are you torturing me?”
I never in a million years thought I would type this sentence, but CT is clearly the victim here. CT, you have changed for the better and I'm proud of you, dude. Still scared of you, but proud of you at the same time.
Kenya (Basketball Wives, Kang), 10 points: The only people more delusional about their place on this planet than Kenya are the six people that went with Kenya on the location scouting trip to Juliet in Manhattan. Kenya wants to shoot a music video (10 points) and brought six adult human beings with her to Juliet on the location scout. I wonder what these folks tell their families when they get home that day:
- Wife: “Hey honey, how was work today?”
Husband: “Good. I went to a nightclub to look at a location for a video shoot.”
Wife: “A video shoot? Who is the artist? What's your role in the video production?”
Husband “The artist is some girl named Kenya who is now on that VH1 show Basketball Wives where the girls all throw drinks on each other. My role is to act as her manager.”
Wife: “Great. Who is going to pay for the video?”
Husband: “Pay for it? Oh, no one. We were just there pretending like Kenya is a real artist with an entourage and management and stuff. I am essentially a prop to make her look like she is important."
Wife: “I’m so proud of you, honey. I always knew one day you would be the fifth-most important member of a non-artist’s fake entourage.”
How these people wake up, put on clothing, and go to “work” every day is a bigger mystery than why you yawn when you see someone else yawn. Delusion is a powerful drug.
Ty (The Challenge, Lisanti), 10 points: Ty scored 10 points for a slammered makeout with Paula. Again, if your significant other ever says to you, “I am going on MTV’s The Challenge,” what they are really saying to you is, “I am going to make out with other people on national television and come back with cold sores that speak Punjabi.”
Dunbar (The Challenge, Simmons), 10 points: Dunbar scored 10 points for winning the Dome this week. You have no idea how hard it is for me to resist making “dome” puns. Every week I tell myself that I am above it. I totally am not above it.
Pauly D (Jersey Shore, Kang) 5 points: Pauly D made out with some girl at the club and scored Jersey Shore’s only five points of the week. If this show comes back for another season without a serious format change, there is no chance I will watch it. Okay, fine, I will totally watch it. I can’t decide what I should hate more, this show or myself.
CT (The Challenge, House), 5 points: I feel bad for Kobe Bryant, Bill is in the White House, and CT is a sympathetic figure in an argument (5 points). The Mayans were right: The world is definitely going to end soon.