Welcome back to our series Rembert Explains the '80s. Every so often, we'll e-mail 25-year-old Rembert Browne a video from the 1980s that he hasn't seen. Rembert will write down his thoughts as he's watching it, then we'll post those thoughts here. This week's installment was selected by Grantland Editor-in-Chief Bill Simmons: "Your Love" by The Outfield. If you have an idea for a future episode of Rembert Explains the '80s, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Rembert's note: Even though I've heard this marvelous song 70 million times, because I went to college ... with all the white people ... I have never even considered watching this video. This could be amazing or horrible. Can't imagine an in-between.
0:08 This song is so good. I've lost my voice belting this high note probably 30 times since fall 2005.
0:11 Why does that guy wear shades like that? Is the lead singer blind? I'll be honest, I haven't once thought about what this song is about. Is it about being blind?
0:16 All. Mullet. Everything.
0:26 One of the mullet guys just stared down the girl intern, super hard. Is she the one whose love he doesn't want to lose? Is that even the lyric?
0:32 Still no lyrics have been sung. They just really want you to get familiar with that guitar riff.
0:40 Am I supposed to believe that powerful voice is coming out of that unassuming little man? Am I? Know that I don't want to, but I will.
0:47 Why is there suddenly a streak of blue paint on the screen? Am I supposed to just go with this? Know that I don't want to, but I will.
0:53 The intern girl from the beginning is now painting. I think that's her. Could easily be another girl. This is all while the waifish little man singer is belting out "I like my girls a little bit older." This screams "Hello." Wait, is the girl painter also blind? That'd be so cray.
0:56 I can't lie, I always imagined that note on "To-niiiiight" to be sung by a man, mid–epic knee slide across a stage while bottle rockets went off in the background. Standing there, stone-faced, allegedly singing while playing rhythm guitar, is pretty much the opposite of my dreams. Bummed.
1:07 No longer bummed, seeing as that everyone else in this band are complete bros. While the lead singer looks like a Land's End mannequin, everyone else looks like a lady version of Jim McMahon. Exactly how it should be.
1:10 This whole painting thing better explain itself, because it is super dumb.
1:24 What is this set? Are they in an art gallery? Everyone's on a different platform, on a different level. And there hasn't been one explosion or knee slide. What is this?
1:31 Oh cool, the girl is painting again. That's so cool that they keep showing that, because I love that part of the video.
1:33 And just when I thought it couldn't get worse, paint is dripping from the top of the screen. This is horrible. What does paint have to do with love, or the loss of it?
1:46 Oh, this is phenomenal. Guitar bro in a tank top just left his platform, not to do anything spectacular, but to look at one of the girls while she paints. He looks super interested. Maybe he wants to be a painter himself. Maybe.
1:50 So apparently I missed this initially, seeing as that I've never done it, but what he was doing was an example of "flirting." When he walked away, he did something with his face and smiled, and she gave him a look like, "Oh, you rocker, are you into my body or just my art, because I bet it's the first one." I bet she's wrong. I think he really likes art.
1:53 OH, SHE LOOKED BACK AT HIM. IT WORKED. I THINK SHE LIKES HIM.
1:55 AHHH, SHE GIGGLED. SHE LOVES HIM.
1:58 The keyboard player is still wearing shades. Jury is still out on whether or not he's blind.
2:06 This girl looks done with her painting. But she also looks sad. What's up with her? Maybe she's sad that the guitarist that she's fallen in love with has another two minutes playing this song before they can finally be together. Maybe that's it. Yeah.
2:16 Whoa, it's a double-sided painting. What? That seems completely impractical? Is it part of a mobile? Is this a school for cute girls who want to build mobiles and get hit on by ladyman rockers?
2:25 Just going to throw it out there: I could easily be the drummer for The Outfield in this song and not miss a beat. This has to be the simplest part ever.
2:28 This is more of an aural comment, but that harmony in the chorus is just perfect. I assume it's what angels sounded like in the '80s, before they got all hip to New Jack Swing in '91.
2:37 OK, he's definitely blind. It hasn't been explicitly stated, but I'm sure of it.
2:42 I think this guy is the corniest lead singer ever. His shirt is buttoned/fastened/glued to the top of his neck, he's not showing any skin, and he has one of the worst shoulder shimmies known to man. He looks like a slowly loading GIF file. Could they really not get anyone to replace him? Maybe he's their dad. That would make sense; it's hard to kick your dad out of a band. We've all been there.
3:05 If there were a drummer's Illuminati, not only would he not be invited, but one of the bullets on their table of contents would definitely be "Make fun of drummer from The Outfield." It's about as hard as walking and breathing at the same time.
3:09 Good thing they make up for a talentless drummer with THIS:
3:23 They are zooming out on the band. Is this video ending soon? Are they not going to explain the painting to us? Someone's getting smacked if they don't.
3:30 By "zooming out" I actually meant "Someone is walking backward with the camera, occasionally stepping on things to make the camera jiggle slightly."
3:42 The girl with her two-sided painting just walked out. I guess it's a painting studio, then. Perhaps the better question all along, instead of inquiring about painting, was "Why are five dudes jamming out in the middle of a painting studio?" If that space is just some communal creative village for people to express themselves, this just officially became the first hipster video of all time.
3:50 Are none of these dudes going to chase after her? They don't have to sing the chorus a 19th time. They could just wrap it up, it's not like anyone is listening.
3:53 Ha, the paint/slime from the top of the screen is back. Obviously.
3:55 I'm going to be so mad if this paint covers the whole screen and that's how it ends. The Outfield, please don't end it like that. For your sake and mine.
4:04 Paint keeps dripping and video fades to black.
4:05 Over. Wow.
For such an epic song, that's one of the most disappointing music videos ever. Who's the genius who approved the pitch "Let's make it a paint-themed video, because that'll make The Outfield the realest band in these streets"? Who gave the green light to that idea? I bet it was the drummer. Stupid drummer.