Look, I’m going to be honest: The Bachelorette will never have the magic that The Bachelor has. Watching two dozen guys bro down as they wait their turn to woo a woman will never be as captivating as the catty, competitive, low-self-esteemapolooza that is watching two dozen women vie for the hand of the same man. It just won’t. However, there is still value in the testicle spectacle that is The Bachelorette. So much value that we have decided to once again add it to the GRTFL. That means we drew up some show-specific rules and divvied up the dudes:
The Bachelorette-Specific Rules:
Calling Emily a pet name: 5 points
Giving Emily a gift: 10 points
Mentioning Brad: 10 points
Claiming another bro is there “for the wrong reasons”: 10 points
Having Emily question your potential as a parent: 20 points
Comparing an ostrich egg to Emily: -10 points (one time only)
Winning final rose: 50 points
Joe House (Ryan, Chris, Lerone, Stevie, Travis)
Jay Kang (Allesandro, Nate, Aaron, Kyle)
Mark Lisanti (Jef, Joe, Charlie, Alejandro)
Connor Schell (Sean, Doug, John, Tony)
David Jacoby (Kalon, Michael, Jackson, David)
Bill Simmons (Arie, Brent, Randy, Jean-Paul)
While the addition of the Bachelorette bros has ramped up the scoring in the GRTFL, none of them could match the dominating performance of Survivor’s Kim the Single Owner of a Bridal Shop Who May or May Not Have Hypnotic Laser-Shooting Angel Eyeballs. She really did the damn thing.
Kim (Survivor, Connor), 75 points: Knowing how to fish, make fire, and open a coconut is nice and everything, but it turns out having angel eyeballs that shoot hypnotic lasers is a HUGE advantage in the game of Survivor. Kim the Single Owner of a Bridal Shop Who May or May Not Have Hypnotic Laser Shooting Angel Eyeballs cried at the final tribal (20 points) and ultimately outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted her non-laser-shooting angel eyeball-having competition to take home the million-dollar prize (50 points). It was nice to see her win this season because she really was the best player there (5 “in control of the game” points). She operated with the kind of cult leaderish influence not seen since a young Charles Manson or Kobe Bean Bryant.
Now, if you don’t watch Survivor, you might think this is an exaggeration. I totally understand. Laser-shooting angel eyeballs are rare. So this week’s GRTFL top-five list is directed at you doubters. The list is the “Top Five Pieces of Evidence That Prove Kim the Single Bridal Shop Owner on Survivor Has Hypnotic Laser-Shooting Angel Eyeballs” listed from “Not that big a deal” to “Oh man, I can feel their power just reading about it, I think I need to buy some bridal goods from her”:
5. “I definitely feel confident that Kim is 100 percent loyal to me. I mean, when I sit back and assess everything, why in the hell would she want to sit next to Chelsea and Sabrina and have all those votes just split?” — Alicia
Anyone who watches Survivor knows that human beings are less loyal to other human beings than they are to one million dollars. Alicia was one of the sharpest women left, and even she felt that Kim was “100 percent loyal” to her. Know why she thought that? Laser-shooting angel eyeballs, that’s why.
4. I am proud of Kim. She fooled me.” — Christina
I mean, “I’m proud of Kim. She fooled me”? Are you kidding me, Christina? She just lied to you and voted you off the show, girl! How on earth are you saying you're proud of her? Oh yeah, angel eyeballs.
3. “I think she is just extremely endearing. She has this very soft-spoken, very graceful way about her and when she is talking to you you really do she sees through you and is like, 'It's me and you until the end.'” — Sabrina
No explanation needed on this one.
2. Jeff Probst during a challenge where he asks questions about what the cast thinks of each other: “Who would you trust with your life?” Every single contestant: “Kim.”
Every single contestant?!? There is not one person that doubts her? There is not one person that said, “Hmmm, who do I trust more with my life? The whip-smart chick who devoted her life to helping underprivileged kids with special needs? Or the woman who has devoted her life to wedding arrangements? I think I'll go with the whip-smart chick.” Not one? There can only be one reason for this: laser-shooting angel eyeballs.
1. “This is all I am going to say tonight: I know I lied to you and I voted you out. But I have no boobs left, so have a little mercy.” — Kim
How could someone have such a whimsical approach in trying to convince the very people that she just voted off the show to award her the million-dollar prize? Laser-shooting angel eyeballs, that’s how.
Chelsea (Survivor, Lisanti) 40 points: Jury members made Chelsea cry twice at the final tribal council (2 x 20 = 40 points), and seemingly for very different reasons:
What a Jury Member Said to Make Chelsea Cry: “What I want to tell you is that I have a secret. I went through two open heart surgeries when I was 12 years old and in order for me to have kids I had to have another open heart surgery. So I will be going in next year and I am doing it again. I had to hide that from you guys, so I didn’t want to show you that weakness. So I don’t have time to be mad at you guys." — Kat
The Reason Chelsea Was Crying: Sympathy for the medical trauma Kat has and will continue to endure.
What a Jury Member Said to Make Chelsea Cry: “I want to inculcate within the engrams of my brain how I felt when I knew my wife was actually placing footprints on the sand of this island and I knew that she was close to me and I would embrace her and feel her heart beat against mine and hear the whispers of her breathe about our inalienable love that would not have happened if you had not kept me. For that, I am very appreciative. And I will try to feel that moment until we are dust in the sand or until God brings cognizance to our atoms once again. So I thank you for that. That’s all I have to say.” — Tarzan
Why It Seemed Like Chelsea Was crying: She realized some dude named Tarzan had found the type of love that she always wanted for herself.
The Reason Chelsea Was Crying: All of her dreams of winning the million dollars had just been crushed when Jonas walked up and announced, “Chelsea, we all agree as guys that you are the hottest chick this season, but that is not what we are going to base this vote on.”
Brent the Dude With Six Kids (Bachelorette, Simmons), 20 points: When Brent the Dude With Six Kids was booted off, he didn't take it too well: “Ya know, I didn’t think I would find love again. And there still is a chance that I might not. At my age, with six kids, you know — not a high probability, I would say." (Sobs, 20 points) Sometimes other people’s televised depression really touches you and makes you want to be the shoulder for that pixelated person to cry on — sometimes it’s fucking hilarious.
Kesha (Basketball Wives, Kang), 20 points: Watching Tami’s complete emotional destruction of Kesha on this episode of Basketball Wives, you got the feeling that you were watching a historical performance — like Jordan in flu game, Pedro in the ‘99 All-Star Game, or Eddie Curry in a Vegas buffet. Tami’s relentless barrage of childish, hurtful insults and outright bullying was cause for two arguments (5 + 5 = 10 points), two cries (5 + 5 = 10 points), and an unprecedented second GRTFL top-five list. This list is the top five stinging insults from Tami directed at Kesha and the comeback that Kesha thought of four hours later that she is super-pissed at herself for not thinking of in the moment, listed from “That is going to have a psychological impact” to “Can you end someone’s life without touching them?”
5. Tami Insult: “I don’t give a bleep about calm and cool, bitch. You want to go off? Now is your time. I am giving you ample time to say what the bleep you need to stay. I want you to go off, I am going to sit down and give you the mother bleepin’ floor ... I don’t respect you, bitch.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “If you sit down before you give me the floor I won’t be able to find it under your rhinoceros ass.”
4. Tami Insult: “Any bitch that don’t want to get it poppin’ should keep their mouth closed. Scary bitch 101.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “I didn’t know Scary Bitch 101 was part of the curriculum when you studied for your GED.”
3. Tami Insult: “Don’t bleeping make me your bleeping test tube. Your bleepin’ test tube baby. You don’t want to try no bleep with me, I’m not the one, you wanna talk big, bitch, say that bleep to my face.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “Tami, I’m sorry, can you repeat that last part again? I got sidetracked when you demanded that I not make you my test tube baby.”
2. Tami Insult: “So you was going to lie. Because I didn’t steal your goddamn purse you walked away from it, so you was going to lie on me and threaten my ... (looks around her) ... my FREEDOM!? Over some bleep you walked away from? That was some bleep that you were going to do? On me? In another foreign ass country?
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “Tami, every other country is foreign.”
1. Tami Insult: “I bet you won’t say bleep else, I bet you bleepin’ won’t, 'cause bitch you ain’t going to get your purse until you come the bleep over here. 'Cause you ain’t done bleep but run since you got the bleep here. I’m surprised you ain’t treaded water and ran your ass back to Miami, bitch.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “Tami, they might not have covered this in Scary Bitch 101 class, but you can’t tread water and run at the same time.”
Tami’s etherization of Kesha could only be the work of a crazypants with psychological issues beyond her control. Or she just can’t hold her liquor. Tough call.
Evelyn (Basketball Wives, Connor), 10 points: You know it's bad when Evelyn is brought to tears twice (20 points) because the bullying is so extreme. I had no idea Evelyn’s emotional range included sympathy. Remember, this is the same woman who attempted to Superfly Smash one of her best friends just a couple episodes ago. So if Evelyn has twice been brought to sympathy tears, you know that someone either overstepped the boundaries of human decency or that Evelyn was just überemotional, because earlier in the episode she had consensual sex with a dolphin. Again, tough call.
Tami (Basketball Wives, Simmons), 10 points: After two vicious insult blizzards aimed at Kesha (10 points), Tami said: “I am trying to work on my anger management, and it is like sometimes I can hold on to it and sometimes it is let go.” Obviously, she did not "hold on to it" this episode. My favorite part of the whole ordeal was when a mid-sentence Crazy Eyes Killa Tami just started laughing all lunatic-y and repeating the phrase “Boooooom bitch! Booooooooooooom ” over and over. I’m not going to lie, at that point I got a little scared.
Tony (Bachelorette, Connor), 10 points: Most men don’t understand that hot chicks are just chicks and all they want is a normal-ass dude that will make them feel loved, pretty, safe, and will take out the trash once a week. That’s really it. This season’s Bachelorette, Emily, is an attractive young woman who appears to be a slightly hotter Jessica Simpson without all the, you know, Jessica Simpsony downside. The school of bro fish who all take turns introducing themselves to her can’t simply walk up and say, “Hello, Emily, you look fantastic. My name is Chris, this is a little awkward being on TV and all but I really look forward to getting to know you during the process.” They all feel like they have to perform a damn SNL sketch for her to “stand out.” It created a collection of those awful television moments where someone is making such a fool of themselves that you start squirming around on your couch waiting for it to end. Check out Chris’s genius little plan to win the heart of Emily:
Chris (holding a glass slipper): “The name is Charming. Prince Charming. And I am looking for my princess. I believe in fairy tales, I believe in love, and I believe that if the shoe fits that me and my princess will live happily ever after. So do you mind if I see if this fits?” (10 gift-giving points)
The type of woman that this clichéd Disney bullshit will work on is the type of woman who collects Barbies in her 30s and smells like psychotherapy. Any woman worth dating hears this and just laughsnorts her beer through her nose and ignores you.
Tony (Bachelorette, House), 10 points: What does Tony do to impress Emily? He gave her bobble heads, one of himself and one of her (10 points). When he gave her the one of herself, I'm pretty sure he added, “I also have a life-size one of you at my house that I bathe with.” Though maybe I misheard.
Doug (Bachelorette, Connor), 10 points: This guy went for heartstrings and gave her a letter from his 12-year-old son (10 points). The handwriting on this letter can only be described as “adult attempting to write like a child.” I think there was a Cheers reference in there, too.
Christina (Survivor, House), 10 points: Christina made Jeff raise his eyebrows at tribal council (10 points), but who cares, because she has this awesome website where she hosts videos that explain how to use the Internet because, “Let’s face it, there is too much shit online and it is easy to get confused or intimidated by what you see.” Oddly enough, that video was the first thing I have ever seen on the Internet that confused and intimidated me.
Sabrina (Survivor, Kang), 5 points: “I just woke up really emotionally overwhelmed this morning. It is coming to the end and I had no idea that I was going to go this far. I just reflected on life; how god has just blessed me just with the little things with decent family and decent friends, this amazing experience. I am about to go back to real life and part of me wants to go to real life, part of me doesn’t. I am a teacher, I teach in one of the craziest neighborhoods in the country and I just got laid off. I signed up to be a teacher to teach kids that nobody wants to teach. I want to tell the kids everything, how the sand felt, how the water felt — I would love my kids just to see this view. They see a few blocks in Brooklyn, that's it.”
She likely got laid off for suggesting a curriculum that included lessons like, “How Sand Feels, ” “How Water Feels,” and “Scary Lady 101.”
Travis the Dude That Brought an Ostrich Egg (Bachelorette, House): -10 points:
Travis the Dude That Brought an Ostrich Egg: “You are probably wondering why I am holding this egg.”
Travis the Dude That Brought an Ostrich Egg: “This egg is a symbol of two beautiful people — you and Ricki (Emily’s daughter). And throughout this journey I am going to take care of this egg like I will take care of you and Ricki.”
What could I possibly add to that?