Have you ever fallen into Internet quicksand? You know, when you search something simple like “how to do the moonwalk” and that leads to a YouTube instructional video, which leads to a Rock Steady Crew documentary, which leads to the 1983 New York City subway map, which leads to the purchase of the island of Manhattan, which leads to Native American religious theory, which leads to spending three hours of your day exploring the entire Internet for your spirit animal? You haven’t? Weird. You must have, like, a real job, then, because that is what like 80 percent of people under the age of 40 call “a workday.” I fell into one today after googling “The Bachelorette,” and it wasn’t until four hours later, when I came across this creepy video of The Bachelorette host Chris Harrison barnstorming Bachelor watch parties and reviewing the ladies’ GRTFL teams, that I was reminded that I still had to, ya know, write the column this week. Sorry, cute Asian chicks listening for ghosts in Midlothian, Illinois’s haunted Bachelor’s Grove Cemetery, I’ve got reality TV to make fun of. I’ll get to you later.
Kalon (The Bachelorette, Jacoby), 25 points: Every reality show needs a villain, and the producers of The Bachelorette are making it clear that Kalon is this season’s. In the first episode, as Emily The Mom greeted what she thought was her last suitor, they had Kalon arrive late ... via helicopter. In the second episode, he disrespected some dude named Doug (5 points) and mailed in his singing performance with Ms. Piggy (20 points). As if that weren’t enough to hint at his hatability, he ... you know what? I know it's early in the column and everything, but I'm breaking out this week’s GRTFL top five and smashing Kalon’s smug mug with it. This week’s GRTFL top five is the top five reasons to hate this asshole Kalon, listed from “Well, I can overlook that” to “I wish I could tie him to a tree and listen while hummingbirds slowly eat him over the course of a month:”
5. The Helicopter: Unless you are airlifting someone to safety, sightseeing, or piloting Airwolf, there is no reason to travel by helicopter.
4. His Occupation Is “Luxury Brand Consultant”: A fucking luxury brand consultant? Are you trying to tell me that when Valentino is out of ideas he rises from his seat on his assistant/chair and barks, “I'm out of ideas! Someone reach out to that 27-year-old tool in Texas ... high fashion needs direction!”
3. He's a Model: Not just any old model, though — a model holding a croquet mallet!
2. He Legitimately Modeled His Life After American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman: In February he told the Dallas News, “I have, as every man should, an actual business-card holder that I carry in the breast pocket of my suit, or in the glove box of my car. I have a conservative business card for the consulting firm, but we did a special line of cards for Dorsia. They look like Patrick Bateman’s, and they have a blood splatter on the corner. Very American Psycho.”
1. According to Grandma Dukes, The Whole Thing Is An Act: Is it weird if the biggest reason to hate him has already backlashed and now I kind of love him? No? Good.
Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, and Stevie (The Bachelorette, various GRTFL squads), 20 points: All the clone-y bros sang a song with the Muppets this episode (20 points) in a segment that was such an embarrassment to the Muppets brand that Statler didn’t even show up, it was just Chris Harrison and Waldorf offering commentary. I swear at one point Waldorf turned to Harrison and said, “You know we have a lot in common. We both wear suits, only have one line per show, and just lost our partners.” [Pause ... silence ... awkward looks ... ] What? Too soon for hacky Chris Harrison divorce jokes?
Anyway, this long list of bros desperate to win the heart of Emily The Mom spawned an idea. So let’s play a little game I like to call “Who would ever date a dude who ... ”
- Alejandro: Who would ever date a dude who said, “Out of college, I actually gave up a six-figure job to start this mushroom farm?”
- Alessandro: Who would ever date a dude who ... lists his occupation as “Grain Merchant” and isn’t a marijuana dealer?
- Tony: Who would ever date a dude who ... oils up his chest, then puts a shirt on, and then poses for a photo?
- Michael: Who would ever date a dude who ... sings a song with the opening lyrics, “It’s Friday and I’m holding your hand / It's Friday and we got some big plans / It's Friday and I’m ready to ride ride ride ... ” AND IT'S NOT A REBECCA BLACK PARODY?
- John: Who would ever date a dude who ... calls himself “Wolf?” In real life. Calls himself Wolf. For real. Not kidding.
- Jef With One F: Who would ever date a dude who ... says to you, “I want to see the real you, no heels, no fancy dress, just you and me ... and a skateboard.”
- Charlie: Who would ever date a dude who ... umm ... wait ... ah ... OK ... can we skip this one? This dude fell off a 15-story balcony and is all messed up from it. Trust me, I really really really want to make fun of him about it and all, but ... well ... it just doesn’t feel right.
- Kyle: Who would ever date a dude who ... says he "showers in confidence"?
- Chris: Who would ever date a dude who ... made you a bobble head of himself?
- Stevie: Who would ever date a dude who ... was dead-ass serious when he said on camera, “I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, I am the master of ceremonies at bar mitzvahs. Without a mic in my hand I feel naked. I get hit on by moms a lot”?
- Nate: Who would ever date a dude who ... is a CPA at Ernst & Young?
(OK, doesn’t really apply on that last one, but you get the overall point, right?)
Ryan (The Bachelorette, Joe House), 10 points: Chill out, Ryan. Chill. Out. Sure, Emily The Mom is an attractive young lady and everything, but that doesn’t mean you have to go all, “I would take care of Ricki the same way that I would take care of our kids together” on her halfway through the first date. He then went with, “I was there in the kitchen with her and I thought to myself, this is what life would be like if I were in her life,” only he meant it as, like, a good thing. To top off the trio of desperation, he finished by giving her a seven-page letter (10 points). SEVEN PAGES? That’s a full three pages longer than Aaliyah’s! Does he really feel this way or is this what he thinks she wants to hear? Why isn’t she scared of him? Why did the producers hire 50 people to be fake paparazzi outside the restaurant they went to? How does he get his hair to stay up in the middle and down on the sides and the front? Did he go to the barbershop and ask for a “Sonic the Hedgehog?” I need to know this shit.
Evelyn (Basketball Wives, Connor), 5 points: In case you haven’t been keeping tabs on the beefs between the circle of loose ladies loosely related to NBA players on Basketball Wives, a couple of episodes ago Antone Walker’s ex (and future Mrs. Ochocinco) Evelyn tried to decapitate Charlie Bell’s soon-to-be-ex wife Kenya with a bottle of Pinot. She missed, Kenya lived, and the ladies got together to have a go at patching things up this episode:
Tami: “I am just trying to squash it. Who would like to start?”
(This is like Satan saying, “Who wants to say grace?”)
Shaunie: “Kenya, you look like you might have something to say, am I wrong?”
(She really means, “Kenya, you look like you might reach for a razor under your tongue, you have something to say?”)
Kenya: “I just did not appreciate having a bottle thrown at me. Or a comment like loose, if it was said or if it wasn’t said, I don’t even know if it was said ... ”
(I think the razor under her tongue has affected her ability to communicate effectively.)
Evelyn: “Umm, what do you want me to say? Sorry for throwing a bottle at you.”
(OK, this is important: Apologies are not all equal. You have to sell an apology, and Evelyn did not sell this apology. To her credit, Kenya just straight-up pretended it was a real apology.)
Evelyn Continues: “You know, when I am angry I just see red.”
(Translation: “Usually I connect with the bottle and my opponent's blood blurs my vision ... ”)
Tami: “Pause. Do you accept the apology?”
(Tami will have a show on the OWN Network moderating/joining in similar beefs in six months.)
Shaunie: “LOOK HOW SHE IS LOOKIN’ ... JESUS! She scares me.”
(Shaunie is legit scared by Kenya’s stoic/aggressive/Blake Griffin-y/hypnotic-laser-shooting-angel-eyed look.)
Kenya: “A comment like 'loose,' if it was said, is not enough to throw a bottle at somebody. And I know you are known for throwing things, I understand that. To be honest I don’t think you are a ho.”
(I hope I find myself in a place where I get to say the words in earnest, “To be honest, I don’t think you are a ho.”)
Shaunie: “Are you OK?”
(She is not.)
Kenya: “I’m OK."
(She is not.)
Shaunie: “You sure? You need a moment? Like, do you wanna ... Look at how she is looking at me!”
(Shaunie is now looking off-camera and calculating how long it will take for security to intervene should Kenya take the pin out of a grenade in a murder-suicide attempt.)
Kenya: “I’m OK. Just like I said, it takes me a minute ... ”
(... to find where I put this grenade I am going to kill us all with.)
Shaunie: “It is intense. You scared me a little bit.”
(A little bit = A LOT!)
Kenya: “I am a little bit crazy. A little bit.”
(A little bit = A LOT!)
Anyway, Evelyn and Kenya squashed their squabble just in time for Evelyn to turn her attention (and hopefully throwing motion) toward her other nemesis, Jennifer (5 points), and it did not go well
Jennifer (Basketball Wives, House), 5 points: When we last saw Jenn, Evelyn was tabletopped-up, trying to Superfly Snuka her from above and explaining that she “does her fighting in the courts” because she “does what white people do, OK?” This week before her fight with Evelyn (5 points) she explained further, “I am lawyered-up. Some badass lawyers. Bad. Ass.” Jennifer, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that of all things I look for in a lawyer, “badass” is way down on the list. I don’t need neck tattoos on my lawyers. I would be way more intimidated if she said, “I am lawyered up. Some old, boring, expensive, nerdy-ass lawyers. Nerdy. Ass.” But that may be just me.
Doug (The Bachelorette, Connor), 5 points: Doug got into a little tiff with Kalon (5 points) and inspired one more game of “Who would date a guy who ... ”
Doug: Who would date a guy who ... was allegedly arrested for theft and allegedly accused of assaulting his girlfriend? No one would, but that information comes via OK! magazine citing Star magazine, so you have to take it with an ocean’s worth of salt. Doug, if this is all bullshit I totally owe you like 100 push-ups. Sorry, dude.
Anyway, it’s Friday and I don’t want to end on a serious note, so you know what that means, don’t you? Michael from The Bachelorette, play us out: