Previous Episode Recap, in 140 Characters
Birthday Parties. BOOZE. Everyone is at the hospital, sEcReTs LiEs. NATE. Notes Everywhere, Pills Everywhere, LUCAS EVERYWHERE. sEcReTs LiEs.
— Rembert Browne (@rembert) July 18, 2012
We find two of our liars, Spencer and Hanna, in the hospital, replacing the note in Garrett's mom's room with a new note in an attempt to lure "A," per usual. Hanna is super eager to forge this note, because apparently that's been her thing since seventh-grade P.E. Can't lie, her skills are pretty great.
And so she just walks into the room and begins to do the deed. If there's one thing this show has shown me, it's that they just don't guard hospitals like they used to. You can just walk into people's rooms, close the blinds, and end people's lives. That's crazy. Someone should do something about that. Anyway, I've got a bad feeling about this, and not just because Hanna's the one carrying out a task. Spencer walked in last time and I was convinced something bad would happen. But it didn't. There's no chance they luck out twice.
Hanna switches the notes, and:
Yep. She starts to flatline. Knew it. Oh God. There must be cameras in there — you know, the kind that can spot a little blonde girl touching a sick woman's wrist around all the cords and then watching that woman quickly flatline. Yep, Hanna's screwed. No chance they simply believe the note-switcheroo alibi. No chance. Anyway, Hanna runs out, tells Spencer, and they bolt.
Next, we see Ezra, who wants attention from Aria, as per usual. But unfortunately for Ezra, Aria's busy on the phone. You know, getting texts like this:
The text "OMG! Did she die?" is just everything.
After this text exchange, Ezra and Aria have a photo shoot with each other and it makes me want to die, so let's not talk about it anymore.
Off to the next couple, Toby and Spencer, who are together. She, like Aria, is distracted. Right as Spencer gets a text saying that Garrett's mom is back in the room, Toby hits her with the "Spencer, you're doing it again."
This show is mainly about dudes wanting to hang out with their cool, hot, liar little girlfriends, but they're too busy being cool, hot little liars to reciprocate love. Poor guys. After Spencer apologizes, Toby says:
"OK, I'll let you work. I'll just sit next to you and watch you type."
CHILL, TOBY. There isn't a human on earth that likes that. Not a one. But then they start to make out, and it's all good — that is, until DAD walks in. Buzzkill, DAD. Toby leaves. Bye, Toby. After he's gone, the father and daughter catch up and start talking all types of law jargon related to the case. This show is a low-key legal crash course, which is great for young ABC Family viewers. Words like "burden" and "prosecution" and "evidence," wow. It's like I'm getting fat and pursuing my J.D. on my sofa, at the same damn time. Anyway, apparently Mom is trying to get Garrett off and it looks like it's gonna work, causing Spencer to storm out somewhere. Where did she storm off to?
To meet up with Ali's brother, Jason.
They're talking, she asks him if he knows anyone named April Rose, the name from the original note in Garrett's mom's room (had to rewind to make sure she didn't say "Amber Rose," which would have been the best), and then we see someone sketchily creeping up on their conversation, via car:
DAD. Uh-oh, is he being a protective father? Spy for mom? Narc? WHAT IS GOING ON.
Meanwhile, Hanna is back at the clothing drive, and the old dude is back trying to holler at her mom. Before he leaves, he tells her to come to the party for the volunteers. TONIGHT. AT THE CHURCH. YEP. THE SAME CHURCH WHERE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TRAPPING "A." OF COURSE THERE'S ONLY ONE CHURCH IN THIS ONE-CHURCH TOWN.
After this hilarious coincidence, we go back to Aria, who seems to be looking for socks at Ezra's. She can't find hers (probably threw them off in a fit of passion), so she goes through his sock drawer.
EZRA IS A DRUG DEALER.
HE KEEPS FAT STACKS IN PLASTIC BAGS.
Oh, this is just the turn I needed. This is perfect. Aria bolts out. She meets up with Spencer and Hanna, but doesn't tell them what is up. Hints that something is wrong, though.
Next, creeper Dad confronts Jason, and they have a mini-standoff. Dad just wants him to leave Spencer out of it, but Jason doesn't back down, suggesting that he needs to get his wife in check.
After this ego-fest, we see Hanna's mom, who is now going to the party with the old church man whom Hanna has now dubbed "Goober." This meet-at-the-church plan is just getting worse and worse. Spencer and Emily are trying to figure out the evening, and Spencer says "microfiche." This is a big moment, seeing as that 99 percent of the people watching this show have never heard of that word. Respect to ABC Family for airing such an old-school word. Also said: "library," an equally archaic word.
Following microfichegate, we see Emily in a café called the Sputnik Diner. She's having those crazy flashbacks again. Bad ones that one has to assume were from grave-digging night. Images in the flashback: a maze, a familiar waitress, and someone grabbing her hand with an interesting tattoo:
After her flashbacks end, we go back to Spencer, who is just about to leave her house when Jason knocks on the door. He knows who April Rose is. Or, what "it" is.
Hanna shows up to the church party (with Toby in tow, who has been convinced by Spencer and her that he's present to scare off some creepy dude) and it's awkward. Hanna's mom is there, and she wants to drink because it's a party, but is reminded by Goober that they're in church. While this is happening, Spencer and Jason go to April Rose and find an ankle bracelet that belonged to Ali. The owner won't sell it, but then Jason gives him $400 and he obliges.
Back to the church party: Hanna's mom wants to hang with Goober outside of the party and keeps suggesting they spend time together on Sundays. He keeps having to pass, eventually breaking the news he assumed she already knew: He's a pastor.
Mom is shook, you know, because she's kind of a floozy.
Toby is still at the party, but he's pissed. He realizes his presence isn't to scare off some kid, calls Spencer, and goes, "I need to know why you and Hanna lied to me." Uh-oh, is he about to be the next Faux Riggins on the single block? Spencer better get her act together. You can't just play with boys' hearts — we're very sensitive, you know, especially when confronted with pretty little liars.
Emily shows up at the party and runs into a hobbit-looking kid named Holden.
They talk, and then she sees his arm:
FROM THE FLASHBACK AHHHHHHH.
But wait. After she asks him about it, he rubs it off. It's a temp tattoo. From a party. They keep talking about it and he says, "I used to see your friend there ... your girlfriend." Emily responds with "Maya?," but as always with this show, no one ever confirms the final question. So he just walks away. Maybe it's the other girl, drunk girl from last episode. So many GFs, Em. Who knows.
But then Emily flashes back again, and this time it looks like it's Holden. I'm confused. Also, you can't just name people Holden. Have some respect.
Hanna's mom and Goober are back to hanging out and then THE DETECTIVE rolls up on them (the one she slept with) and decides to have a chat. He's obviously there for a reason, but why? She is visibly shaken up by seeing him, and after he leaves, she makes up an excuse and leaves the party.
Back to Jason and Spencer, who discuss the fact that THEY HAVE THE SAME DAD. YEP. DON'T FORGET IT. They talk about Ali. Some good, mostly bad.
Back to the church, where Hanna is hiding under a pew because she hears someone. Is it "A"?
Nope. It's the detective. He's so good at his job. Like, unbelievably good.
And he's got the note — oh damn.
His only mistake? He thinks the girls are working with Garrett. It's getting intense.
Back to Aria and her drug-dealer boyfriend, Ezra. She brings up the money. How are you getting yourself out of this one, EZ?
Excuse: "I sold my grandfather's car." Oh, word? Was his car made out of pure, uncut Colombian heroin? Was it? Oh, it was? Oh, OK. Cool.
Excuse: "Yeah, I let the guy pay me in cash so he could have a break on taxes." Ha, more like "Yeah, I let the guy pay me in cash because there aren't credit card machines when it comes to rocks and these streets."
And now he's playing the embarrassed adult with an 11-year-old GF card. It worked, on her, but not me, EZ.
I know you're slanging. Wait, what are you looking at?
HOW DOES THIS EPISODE END?
Spencer's dad tells her that the ankle bracelet they turned in didn't have Garrett's blood on it. So they threw out the case. Spencer FLIPS.
And then gets this text:
AHHHHH NEXT WEEK WHERE ARE YOU I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT