Editor's note: The Total Recall remake hits theaters this weekend, and aside from a few pro–Colin Farrell stalwarts who will not be named, most of us here at Grantland are just feeling misty for the Arnold Schwarzenegger action era of which the original was a vital part. Every Governator has his origin story, and this is Arnold's.
Young Arnold Schwarzenegger in Brazil
"Rio: one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It's hard to find more gorgeous beaches, mountains, and women anywhere. I came to Rio for Carnival. I'd heard a lot about it, but nothing could prepare me for a nonstop, five-day party where once a year the whole city goes absolutely crazy."
No, it's not quite "Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied." Or "It's not a toomah!" Or even "BAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!" from Total Recall.
But you can't argue that it's not classic Schwarzenegger.
"I knew I had something in common with the Brazilian men. I like that."
Rafe Bartholomew: You think nothing can beat the part where Alyssa Milano smears her ice cream cone on Arnold's face, but then Arnold and Alyssa start hand-feeding a wild doe, and your heart melts faster than the Häagen-Dazs on Arnold's nose.
Commando Kill Count
Michael Weinreb: 73 (plus Alyssa Milano ice cream bonus). And now every question inherent to my childhood has been answered.
Predator Kill Count
Editor's note: Fair warning, the following clip contains graphic content.
Chris Ryan: This is my version of the Shiba Inu puppy cam. Warning, do not watch if video of skinned CIA agents makes you a bit queasy. Otherwise, get to the chopper with all of the dead people in Predator.
Schwarzenegger Scream Count
Andy Greenwald: AAAAGH! OOOOOORGHHHH! YAHOOOOOOOGH! AAAAAGGGGGGG! GAAAAAAAAAAAH! WURFFFFF! TAFELSPITZ! MIT SCHLAG!!!!!
Alex Pappademas: You have broken Bluegrass Fiddling Arnold Schwarzenegger's heart, rowdy and disrespectful country-club patrons. I'll be leaving the room.
Dan Silver: By 1996 filmmakers were struggling to find new and interesting ways for Arnold to wreak havoc and crack wise. But with some luck, magical residue can usually be scraped off the bottom of the proverbial barrel. Arnold shooting a CGI alligator in the face may not rank in the top 10 All-Time Best Schwarzenegger Kills (although it probably should), but his post-kill quip here is easily one of his best. It's the epitome of post-megastardom, backside of a career, tongue firmly in cheek, Jingle All the Way Arnold. Both sad and hilarious, but still awesome.
Tess Lynch: Arnold on the exercise-induced orgasm, which is apparently a real thing (the "coregasm"). Unfortunately, there's also a cool-down petit mort, which explains this thread on bodybuilding.com: "Post workout cigarette hnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg." A fragmented debate unfurls in the YouTube comments about whether or not Schwarzenegger was just trying to inject pizzazz into the video and didn't actually believe that "the pump" resulted in an orgasm, but then there are some who insist that they've experienced this phenomenon themselves:
"it is the power of mental focus rather than some˙ sort of magic, steroid shot or something else. When you want to feel the pleasure, you feel it, and the more you feel the pain, the more you feel the pleasure, and the more your muscle grows because of that hormone which you have provoked." — kirstukass
Sean Fennessey: Setting aside the infamous, glorious linguistic Arnoldry in play here — "I am coming day and night" — I remain transfixed by the score to Pumping Iron, the 1977 documentary that chronicled a historic moment in competitive bodybuilding. Composer Michael Small's run of mid-1970s scores directly leading up to Pumping Iron is legendarily paranoid stuff — The Parallax View, The Stepford Wives, Night Moves, The Drowning Pool, Marathon Man. So it's no surprise that there's a strange tension in the music as the camera ogles, interrogates, and invades the greased-up human bodies on film. It's not triumphant, it's plinky and ponderous, as if to say, Is this even real? Who are these alien life forms? Small was a tiny wonder at his craft, though he never approached a great work after Arnold & Co. finished flexing.
Bryan Curtis: Those prank calls ruined Kindergarten Cop. So now I watch Twins. Released in 1988, it perfectly captures the cultural moment when the ‘80s melted into the ‘90s. Note the New West, I-Love-Santa Fe vibe. And check out these clothes, which Julius and Vincent model in a long take that would have made Orson Welles cry. Two words: short sleeves. Awesome.
Bill Simmons: Let's just say they may have needed one more take from Arnold here. By the way, I saw Twins in the theater and this was ironically funny even when it happened. Now it has aged like a fine wine.
Katie Baker: This week will feature the reboot of 1990 film Total Recall, but I'm partial to a different Schwarzenegger film from that same year: Kindergarten Cop. (I'm pretty sure the initial hilarious premise was simply "Arnold surrounded by children" and they backtracked from there.) While the clip above is no "Who Is Your Daddy, and What Does He Do?," I selected it for two important reasons: (1) the daddy scene is really carried by the kids, and not the Arnold, and (2) it introduces a key character in the film: the class ferret, who (spoiler alert) ultimately saves the day. I was going to joke that this has to be the only movie featuring a ferret, but that would be incorrect.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Amos Barshad: I'm not exactly sure where mainstream public opinion falls on T3, but try telling people it's your favorite Terminator movie and see how they react. For some reason, though, it was the first movie of the franchise I saw, and so I will always ride for Nick Stahl as leader of the free world against the robot overlords. Anyway, in this scene Arnold pops off a few rounds while carrying a casket.
The Complete Alinamin V Commercials
Emily Yoshida: I'm still living in the parallel universe where Lost in Translation starred Arnold, was directed by Terry Gilliam (or Gaspar Noe?), was set in a pre-recession 1990 Tokyo, and everyone was too busy tripping balls and laughing maniacally in baths full of money to indulge their ennui. DAI-JO-BUIII!