I don’t even know where to begin. This is the first time that a week in reality TV has intimidated me like this. There were so many phenomenal occurrences popping out from my television into my eyes and earballs this week that I look at the blank page and am shaken. In this single week — during what is supposed to be an “offseason” for TV — there was a Dionysian evening on Bachelor Pad that included a sapphic snog, a legit 50-point pregnancy scare on Real World, and a man appearing on The Real Housewives of New York City who was so captivating, so disgusting, so charming, and so simultaneously magnetic and repulsive that I can only assume he is some sort of genetic mutant, a Darwinian outlier equipped with a libido that could repopulate the earth in a year and a half. This man is George, father of Real Housewife Aviva.
Remember when I said I didn’t know where to start? I totally lied right to your eyeballs. I'm starting with George. I couldn't care less if his daughter only scored five points this week. This man’s story needs to be told.
Aviva (Real Housewives of New York, Simmons), 5 points: GRTFLers? Meet George. He is a 70-something man, father of Aviva, drinker of scotch, and giver of ass-grabs. One thing he clearly does not give is a fuck. You see, George is a self-titled sex addict. And as such, and at his age, he has made the decision that the basic rules of human social interaction do not apply to him. You know those old dudes who feel like they've earned a pass to act out sexually? Like somehow 70 years of repressing carnal instincts has earned them the right to release all that pent-up libido on unsuspecting subjects without care or reason? You know those guys? George makes them look like eunuchs.
But as vulgar, sexual, and over-share-y as he (obviously) is, George delivers his missives with a tact and charm that somehow makes it all acceptable. I am telling you, this is an extraordinary human. Let me set the scene:
Skin tanned, gray hair slicked, teeth whitened, and with Miami money, George enters a room and immediately requests his drink of choice, scotch. (Of course it is.) What follows are quotes said by, to, or about George that give you a glimpse into the lechery that fuels his every move. Honestly, feel free to skip down to the next scorer in the GRTFL right now — it is about to get weird and incesty:
Context: George enters the room, and his daughter Aviva compliments his outfit.
Aviva: “You look great.”
George: “Not like your dull husband. He is the dumbest dresser, I mean come on. He looks like he just walked out of Yale.”
Jacoby: He said this right in front of his son-in-law Reid, part of his immediate family. The man his daughter married. I am all for respecting your elders ... but only to a point. This is one of those jokes that deserves a stinging retort — even a simple “Yeah, George, you look like you walked out of the grave” would have been fine with me. Reid offered nothing. Poor guy.
Context: George throws his arm around the waist/ass of Ramona, whom he just met:
George: “Is your husband here?”
George: [Super-creepy laugh.] "I didn’t realize. May I be allowed to flirt though?”
Jacoby: This is the classic “Oh, he is so old, who cares if he gets flirty?” response. Fuel, meet fire.
Context: George is at a dinner in which he has been “set up” with Sonja, but that won’t stop him from having this exchange with Carole:
Carole: “When was the last time you had sex?”
George: “This morning.”
Carole: “With yourself?”
George: “I don’t masturbate. Carole, I could give you your first squirting orgasm.”
Jacoby: OK, this is one-upmanship at its best. Carole raises George a “with yourself?” and George shows his pocket “squirting orgasm” aces. Pot goes to George, as always.
Context: Aviva explains how her father’s previous relationship ended.
Aviva: “His 35-year-old girlfriend caught him cheating with a 22-year-old.”
Jacoby: Seriously? Do I really have to offer commentary? The man is 70-something! Having someone else at the table tell this story just saves him the effort of telling it himself.
Context: Aviva, his daughter, takes off her top layers to reveal herself in a bikini.
George: “Wow. What a body!”
Jacoby: Is it just me or is it getting a little Game of Thronesy in here?
Context: George is sitting on the beach. Clothed. Discussing plans with the married Ramona.
George: “Want to go to the nude beach?”
Ramona: “You can go.”
George: “I’ve been there, but it's mostly lesbians, which I like.”
Jacoby: OK, you get the point, I am even starting to get tired of listing these. No joke, I am going to look at the next four that I have and just pick one. [Ed. note: Jacoby is lying.] OK fine, I lied, there are two more, but they’re bitchin’ ...
Context: George is talking to Carole at an event. Carole couldn’t be less interested in him.
George: “You know why you should sleep with me? Because it would be the kinkiest thing in your life. First of all, I'm Aviva’s father. Have you ever slept with your friend’s father?”
Jacoby: Not only can I not imagine a circumstance in which “Have you ever slept with your friend’s father?” is an acceptable question, I can’t imagine a circumstance in which this man left the establishment without her stabbing him in the nether regions with a machete. Yet, miraculously, it didn’t happen.
Context: George has sat down with Sonja, a lovely lady his daughter wanted to set him up with, at an art party in Miami.
Sonja (in an interview): I am sitting no more than two seconds and I am feeling something poking me in my backside. I turn around, and it is George ... with an erection.”
George: “You are not wearing panties, Sonja. It is not my fault ... you’re not wearing a bra, either.”
Jacoby: Seriously, what do you want me to say about that? I have decided that while George is entertaining, he is one of the worst hangs on the planet Earth. Imagine introducing him to your buddies and vouching for him as your friend. Somehow, some lunatic way, my podcast partner disagrees. I can’t wait to have this one out on the air today.
Oh yeah, his daughter/lust interest Aviva said about her second home, “This is like the Park Avenue or the Upper East Side of Miami (5 points).” Dear anyone who knows me that is reading this: If I ever describe where I live as the “Park Avenue or Upper East Side” of the city I live in, shoot my face off with a bazooka. I mean it.
Sarah (Bachelor Pad, Connor), 50 points: There were like 40 frames of the Bachelor Pad this week that revealed exactly what makes this show special. Those 40 frames contained this image:
The producers of this show clearly pulled a PA to the side the day before the cast arrived and said, “I want you to go to BevMo and I want you to get six bottles of Jack Daniel's, eight bottles of Bacardi Light, two dozen bottles of white wine, five handles of vodka, and one bottle of water. That should last the first week. Don’t forget to bring back the receipt.”
THAT is how you produce reality television, ladies and gentlemen! That is the type of producing that leads to the evening that we saw this week. An evening of Dionysian delights that aphrodisiaced the entire cast and inspired Sarah to declare, “I look around and I say to myself, 'Everyone is hooking up. Oh gosh, Sarah, do not be the only one in this hot tub that is not hooking up, that will be so pathetic.'” How does Sarah react to such a dilemma? You know, like any normal person would, making out with a chick (5 points), getting naked (20 points), jumping in the pool and coitusing Ed The Village Drunk (25 points). Why did she coitus Ed The Village Drunk? I’ll let her explain: “Ed reminds me of myself. He is so overly confident and good-looking, and he has like that sexual energy — it draws you in. It's magnetic. You just know it's going to be a fun time in bed.”
Only reality television characters can talk about someone else, yet still slip in the fact that they themselves are confident, good-looking, magnetic, and good in bed and you almost don’t notice it. I feel there should be a humblebrag-style name for this practice of complimenting someone else and yourself simultaneously, I am going to go with “comlibating.” I know, it needs work.
Brittany and Erica (Bachelor Pad, Kang), 50 points: The Jersey Shore Slore twins are the most annoying set of twins on the planet. Hands down. As Lindzi Who Wears Too Much Makeup said, “Every guy’s fantasy is twins, but I don’t think they have met these twins yet.” But before we address these twins specifically, I would like to address the “every guy’s fantasy is twins” part. Dear Lindzi Who Wears Too Much Makeup: Not every guy’s fantasy is to sleep with a set of sisters. That is purely the product of insinuations by Hugh Hefner and the marketing team at Wrigley. Methinks the overwhelming majority of bros have no interest in incest-type stuff. None at all. Call it a hunch.
Anyway, on to how terrible these two are.
They simply won’t stop arguing and crying (5 x 4 = 20 points) and I have figured out why. You see, one of the twins is a virgin and one is not, which throws off the delicate and essential identical-twin balance. Sure, science might disagree — but screw science. One slutty twin and one choir-girl twin is never going to work. The result of that imbalance manifested itself in the most irritating of ways. I originally planned to detail just how repetitive and annoying their perpetual argument was, but that would only subject you to the same misery the cast, crew, and viewers of this program had to endure. Mercifully, they left the show (30 points). These two are so insufferable that I think less of The Situation for hooking up with them. And let's be honest, at this point it is hard to think less of The Situation.
Trey (Real World, Kang), 50 points: Something finally happened on the Real World this week. The only tough part is ... it isn’t something I’m comfortable making hacky jokes about. The bro-est of bros on the show, Trey, is sleeping with his roommate Laura yet still maintaining a relationship with his “girl back home,” Chelsea. He seemed content with this scenario because, as he puts it, “I really like to have a female touch, and basically have a woman cater to me. It's just what I'm used to, and it makes me feel comfortable.” Um, I will spare you the 3,000-word Freudian breakdown I had planned for that statement and get to the good stuff, his phone conversation with “girl back home” Chelsea. Keep in mind, he has been sleeping with his roommate ever since he moved in the house:
Trey: “What’s wrong? Did you hook up with somebody?”
Trey: “You’re seeing somebody, just admit it.”
Chelsea: “No, I'm really not. I swear to God.”
Trey: “So, what is so wrong then?”
Trey: “Are we done? We’re done then. So what is the deal?"
Chelsea: “No no no. Absolutely not. Like, not even close.”
Trey: “Is it what I think it is?”
Trey: “Are you sure?”
Trey: “How long have you known?”
Chelsea: “TWO DAYS.”
Trey: “All right, I am such at a loss for words, I don’t even know what to say. We can't wait three months either ... so what ... what’s your um ...”
Chelsea: “Trey, stop. Please.”
Damn, dude! You have a full-on pregnancy/STD/advanced-notice-of-the-zombie-apocalypse secrecy type of thing on your hands. Since I can’t be 100 percent sure which it is, I am going to go ahead and give you the pregnancy points (50 points). It’s a safe bet.
Ed (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby), 35 points: Oh! Look who's back! It's Ed The Village Drunk! Some women like a man in uniform, some women like a man with an edge, and some women like a man who gets inslopsicated (10 points) and slurs his words. Sarah would be the latter. She coitused the slurry, slammered Ed (25 points) during which he unleashed his primal call: “flying pickle ... YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
In order to get its full effect, that last word should be read in a voice that is half Lil’ Jon, half Chewbacca. Actually, I think later this summer those two have a mixtape dropping together. I would cop that.
Stags (Bachelor Pad, House), 10 points: While Stags was on his date, he made out with Rachel (5 points) and then Donna the super-fan (5 points). He only sympathy-made-out with Donna because he felt obligated after she presented him with a portrait she sketched for him:
Hey, Stags, next time someone you just met says “Hey, I made this sketch of you,” it is going to be in court. And you are going to be filing a restraining order against Donna. Trust me.
Carole (The Real Housewives of New York City, Schell), 10 points: Every damn week Carole is plugging her stupid writing career (10 points). This week she got deep with it. “Writing is a little like dating. In the beginning you’re flush with stories and dreamy ideas about where it could all go, then as you make a bigger commitment it gets more complicated, and after four years all I want to do is break up.” Meanwhile, she is saying all of this while sitting in front of a hard copy of her book with tons of those little red stickies on it. Guess what, Carole? It won’t take four years if you use a damn computer! Someone remind me in 20 years that I said this. DON’T BE THE PERSON WHO DOESN’T EMBRACE THE ADVANCEMENT OF TECHNOLOGY.
Speaking of which, how do you bit-torrent again? I never figured that one out.
Jamie (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 10 points: Jamie notched 5 points for making out with Chris The Terrible Dancer and found herself in a battle with Blakeley The VIP Cocktail Waitress-Turned-Waxer for his affections. Here’s the thing about Blakely The VIP Cocktail Waitress-Turned-Waxer: She doesn’t lose battles. After returning from searching the entire Bachelor Pad for Chris The Terrible Dancer, Jamie said, “Honestly I am just like mad. I sleep on the top bunk of Blakeley’s bed and when I’m climbing to sleep last night there is Chris, the one guy I am interested in, in Blakeley’s bed. That’s, like, not cool to see. Only I am not, like, in love with him. Blakeley snatched on and she is not letting go.” At press time it was still unconfirmed if the snatch pun was intended.
This whole deal led to Jamie explaining in an interview, “Why would he stay with Blakeley? He doesn’t want to be her partner, he has no romantic interest in her whatsoever. She is a VIP cocktail waitress. Is that what Chris wants to have a relationship with? Someone that he wants to bring home to his family? Someone that he wants to have kids with? You know, I’m your girl.” Keep in mind she said all of this dressed like this:
“Mom, I would like you to meet the love of my life, Jamie. I know she wears more necklaces than Mr. T, Madonna’s slutty lace driving gloves, and looks like 1984 vomited all over her. But trust me, she was the best kisser of the 17 women I made out with on Bachelor Pad. I am in love, Mom. Accept it.”
Chris The Terrible Dancer (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 10 points: Reality TV shows create a new universe for the contestants, a universe where nothing exists outside of the show. A universe where dudes like Chris The Terrible Dancer feels like he rules the roost and makes out with two girls an episode (10 points). This week’s GRTFL top five is the top five things that Chris The Terrible Dancer said about his situation in the house, listed from “Wow, that is not something he would get away with saying in the real world” to “I am afraid that he is going to get stuck in the Bachelor Pad the same way my buddy from high school got stuck in an acid trip and still thinks he's flying the Millennium Falcon”:
5. What he said on Bachelor Pad: “It is not typical of me to sweet-talk a girl if I don’t mean it. It's part of the game and I'm here to play a game.”
What he would say in the same situation in his actual life: “I hope she texts me back; it’s been two days.”
4. What he said on Bachelor Pad: “Jamie, I know she has a huge crush on me. I am just trying to keep her close.”
What he would say in the same situation in his actual life: “I hope she doesn’t find out I still do my laundry at my parents' house.”
3. What he said on Bachelor Pad: “I am not sure that’s how Jamie is going to react moving forward. But I feel like I can steer her where I need her to be.”
What he would say in the same situation in his actual life: “Why is she even talking to me? Has she seen me dance?”
2. What he said on Bachelor Pad: “There is no way that David can take that rose away from me tonight. Because I am more powerful.”
What he would say in the same situation in his actual life: “I mean, if you don’t want it I would be happy to take the rose. But only if you don’t want it, dude. I don’t want to ruffle any feathers.”
1. What he said on Bachelor Pad: “Obviously, Blakeley has something for me. Now we just have to solidify the alliance. It is not a big deal, I have to sell myself a little bit. That is part of the game.”
What he would say in the same situation in his actual life: In actual life, there is no market for Chris The Terrible Dancer to “sell himself.”
Rob With Two Bs and Marie (Real World, Connor and Simmons), 5 points: Marie The International Heineken Smuggler on why she is into her snog buddy (5 points) Rob With Two Bs: “He like cooks for me, makes me dinners, and drinks with me. You know, that’s the way to my heart.” They always say the way to a woman’s heart is through her liver.
Blakeley (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 5 points: Blakeley The VIP Cocktail Waitress Turned Waxer made out with Chris The Terrible Dancer (5 points) and had this totally rational, measured, and normal conversation with a man she just met:
Blakeley: “I need you to let me know if you are in or not.”
Chris: “I am in 100 percent. 1,000 percent. But you don’t believe me.”
Blakeley: “I don’t, because you are like laughing about it. I am so bleeping serious about this bleep it is not even funny.”
No, Blakeley, it is funny.
Erica Rose (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 5 points: During the boozy, Dionysian evening this week on Bachelor Pad, Erica got wrapped up in the proceedings and made out with Sarah (5 points). She also had the Bachelor Pad cast tweet of the week:
Well played, Erica, well played.
Rachel (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), -5 points: Rachel confuses me. I can’t figure out her crazy. This is always the most dangerous type of crazy. She scored five points for making out with Stags and also lost 10 points for making out with Stags. This is what happens when you make out with a dude named Stags.
Donna (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), -5 points: Donna had the same making-out-with-Stags-yet-still-losing-points deal as Rachel (5 – 10 = -5 points). She also offered this about her life back home in New Jersey, “Normally a guy will be, like, head over heels for me the first second, but with Michael I feel like I have to work for it.” And then she dropped this one, “When I am not here I can literally get any single guy I want.” Sure, Donna.
Don’t forget that every Friday we have a reality-TV podcast on The Grantland Network. Leave your thoughts about what shows should be added to the GRTFL this fall in the comments. Right now, the fall season looks pretty bleak. What else does Aviva’s father George have to do to get a spin-off?
Don’t answer that.