A website exists on the Internet called Rap Genius, and its primary function is to explain the lyrics to hip-hop songs. While the scope of the site has grown in recent months, from blogging, to giving artists verified accounts, to irresponsibly corrupting potentially illiterate, troubled 16-year-old rappers and then laughing about it and putting it on the Internet for all to see, its greatest gift to society is simply being a place that has all the lyrics, organized in a sophisticated manner.
It's related because a beautiful world exists at the intersection of hip-hop and the Olympics. Little is known about this world, but by employing the scientific method and some Google-assisted research, we are able to shed some light on it.
And if you don't feel like working hard, you can just type a bunch of Olympians' names into Rap Genius and then click "search" and see what turns up.
Not included in the Olympic rapper science project: Olympians who participate in popular non-Olympic activities. So:
- No basketball (NBA)
- No hockey (NHL)
- No tennis (ATP/WTA)
- No soccer (World Cup)
- No cycling (Tour de France)
- No Bruce Jenner (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)
- No boxing (Vegas)
Gold: Usain Bolt (60 mentions)
Silver: Michael Phelps (56 mentions)
Bronze: Jesse Owens (34 mentions)
The Classic Lyric:
"If hun's a monster, I'm Carl Lewis on that meter dash." — Grand Puba, "What's the 411"
(Lewis: 25 mentions, including Wale, Das EFX, Dom Kennedy, Big Sean, and Eazy-E)
Most Surprising: Tie — Peggy Fleming and Dorothy Hamill (3 each)
Best Fleming lyric:
"I ice capade like Peggy Fleming over funk beats and lock down the streets." — Jamal, "Genetic for Terror"
Best Hamill Lyric:
"We like Dorothy Hamill on ice, we in your hood we might circle." — Ghostface Killah/Wu Tang Clan, "Older Gods"
Rudest Harding/Kerrigan Lyric:
"I stab a bitch over ice, 'Nancy Kerrigan,' slash Tonya Harding, see the mobster's mobbing." — Cam'ron, "War"
Best Foreign Mention: Katarina Witt (1 mention)
"Glattlief so wie Katharina Witt. Lade die Submachinegunclips wie en Waffenfetischist." — Kollegah, "Ghettobusiness"
(Pretty sure this roughly translates to: "Win medals like Katarina Witt. Also: Shoot machine guns like Katarina Witt.")
Nastiest Greg Louganis Lyric:
"Love in her mouth for dental satisfaction, that means I hit the head like Greg Louganis then I'm splashing." — Big Boi, "Tangerine"
... And the Best Chubb Rock/Nadia Comaneci lyric:
"If you riff, I'ma flip like Nadia Comaneci. Win the gold; the bronze is for Hans and Franz." — Chubb Rock, "The One"
Best of the Rest
Mary Lou Retton (13 mentions)
Marion Jones (12)
Jackie Joyner-Kersee (10)
Michael Johnson (7)
Flo Jo (6)
Apolo Anton Ohno (3)
Maurice Greene (3)
Mark Spitz (2)
Tommie Smith (1)
Gail Devers (1)
I'm extremely excited to see what rappers have up their sleeves for Ryan Lochte, but I swear, Wale, if you say one rude thing about Gabby Douglas, I'm coming after you.