Full disclosure, I am mailing this one in. I'm on vacation and didn’t plan on doing the GRTFL this week but there was so much asinine shit to joke about in reality TV I just couldn’t pass it up. But before we get to all of that, I learned two big travel tips that I wanted to share: (1) If you are married and traveling together, tell everyone it’s your honeymoon — upgrades all over the place. (2) If you are planning a trip to a beach location, whatever you do, make sure it doesn’t coincide with Discovery’s Shark Week. After watching a bajillion shark attacks on TV, I am not even comfortable going into the deep end of the hotel pool. And for all those people that are all, “Humans aren’t even part of a shark's natural diet, what is there to worry about?” Of course humans aren’t a part of a shark's natural diet, WE DON’T LIVE IN THE WATER! Lobster isn’t a part of my natural diet, but I will tear one up like a savage if you put it in front of me. We are a rare delicious delicacy to sharks. Never go in the ocean again.
Jamie (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 20 points: Look, I know Jamie didn’t score the most points this week, but I'm putting her up top because she definitely had the week’s most outstanding performance. This episode Jamie kissed Chris the Terrible Dancer (5 points) and immediately starting planning their retirement together. Her brilliant display of delusion and desperation following a visit to first base with Chris the Terrible Dancer was less fit for an adult on Bachelor Pad and more fit for a Kristin Wiig character on SNL. The following is a list, in order, of the 11 most delusional/desperate, or downright delsperate, things that Jamie actually said this week. This list could have been 400 quotes long, but, ya know, I’m on vacation:
Quote No. 1: “Chris is being so sweet to me, he wants to partner with me, and what a good feeling.”
Delsperation Level: Low. We are just getting started.
Quote No. 2: "Because I am being so damn honest, it just isn’t working out for me."
Delsperation Level: Still low. However, this is delsperate because she was crying her face off while saying it (5 points), and this was over her answers to a survey challenge they had about the cast’s feelings about each other. Also, if you ever want to send an office into complete chaos — I mean Lord of the Flies–level chaos — play a survey game. Someone will quit, someone will cry, and someone will decapitate someone else with the paper cutter.
Quote No. 3: “I heard you are tough to bed. Not like I have had too much to drink or anything.”
Delsperation Level: High. Mind you, she was wearing a bikini while she said this. It was nighttime. And immediately after she finished she did a 360 turn for him like she was at the end of a catwalk.
Quote No. 4: “So were you really into me from the very beginning?”
Delsperation Level: Medium. This was mid-makeout, she is a chatty maker-outer (more on that later).
Quote No. 5: “Half of me is like, 'Oh my gosh,' am I really in the gorgeous man's arms?”
Delsperation Level: High. The other half of her was like, “I wonder if he is going to get me a white gold or platinum engagement ring?”
Quote No. 6: “I really haven’t felt this way about someone this quickly.”
Delsperation Level: Medium/high. It isn’t "high" only because I don’t believe her for a second.
Quote No. 7: “I really feel like I can trust him. I can walk into a room and be like, 'That’s my MAN.' I know all of you want him, but none of you can have him.”
Delsperation Level: WAY HIGH. Do I really have to explain this one?
Quote No. 8: “Chris and I are super attracted to each other. And he knows if he took me it would hurt Blakeley, and that was what I love about him.”
Delsperation Level: Crazy high (pun very much intended). Some context here: Chris was given the option to take anyone in the house on a date and chose Sarah, not Jamie. In Jamie’s warped mind, he did this because if he took her on a date it would hurt the feelings of Blakeley, with whom she argued this episode (5 points). Oh, did I mention that Chris is hooking up with another girl on this show named Blakeley?
Quote No. 9: “Chris is protecting me from Blakeley. It feels so good to be protected.”
Delsperation Level: Unclear. At this point, I don’t even know what she is talking about.
Quote No. 10: “I am so excited for him to come home from this date so I can say, “Hey, listen, we can be together all the time and everything is going to be OK.”
Delsperation Level: High. The editing of this scene was great. After she said this (she did another 360 spin, too, I swear), they cut to Chris in a hotel hot tub with Sarah snogging and straddling him. Shout-out to you, Bachelor Pad editor.
Quote No. 11: “I do need Chris, and I want to be his partner, and I want to make him happy. It comes down to the fact that he is so loyal and respectful and lovable; those are seriously the qualities that I am looking for in a husband.”
Delsperation Level: There are no words for her level of delsperation at this point. There is a word for what the editor did at the end of this quote ... tremendous. Right after she said, “loyal and respectful and lovable; those are seriously the qualities that I am looking for in a husband,” they cut to Chris and Sarah in robes walking into a hotel room. Bra-vo.
Jamie The Delsperate was voted off this week and cried (5 points). I honestly feel pretty bad for this girl. Just not quite bad enough to not make fun of her.
Chris (Bachelor Pad, Lisanti), 50 points: The GRTFL top five this week is the top five most disrespectful things that Chris the Terrible Dancer said about Jamie the Delsperate listed from “That wasn’t nice” to “I am pretty sure that's against California law”:
5. “I don’t like her but she is hot.” (Fair)
4. “The only way to shut her up is to kiss her (5 points).” (Saw that)
3. “She gives me that look and all I do is look at her boobs.” (Better not to make eye contact with her, I suppose)
2. “Being in bed with Jamie has its advantages. She is a very pretty girl, but she is a yapper.” (Didn’t have to say that)
1. “The best thing I have done is trading Jamie and Blakeley for Sarah. It is like buying a new car. It has that new-car smell and everything.” (OK, maybe these aren’t that disrespectful, after all ... my bad)
What he's referring to above is his selection of Sarah to go on a date with in lieu of Jamie or Blakeley. A busy date with Sarah that included a kissing-in-a-hot-tub bonus score (10 points) and full-on coitus points (25 points). The only reason he selected Sarah for the date was because during the survey challenge she revealed that she once coitused on top of a vehicle in a public parking garage. True story.
Rob With Two Bs (Real World, Connor), 25 points: Once in awhile things happen on these shows that just aren’t cool to joke about. For example, this week Rob With Two Bs on Real World punched himself in the face, real hard, three times in a row (25 points). I hope he works his shit out. It was pretty gruesome. Can we get back to the Bachelor Pad, please? Yes? Good.
Sarah (Bachelor Pad, Connor), 20 points: Sarah racked up the same hot tub-bonus, face-sucking, coitus points Chris the Terrible Dancer did (10 + 25 = 35 points) and looked to be headed toward a big GRTFL week, until we remembered the obligatory deduction just for hooking up with Chris the Terrible Dancer (-15 points). Oh yeah, and the very episode Sarah coitused Chris, she said of Ed the Aquatic Ape, “I am getting stronger and stronger feelings toward him.” Decent chance she hooks up with host Chris Harrison at the reunion.
Trey (Real World, Simmons), 20 points: Trey cried this week (20 points) and HATES it when his girlfriends drink. Just to prove it, this week he was a dick to both of them. Yes, both of them.
Sonja (Real Housewives of New York City, Kang), 10 points: Sonja made an extremely crass joke about Aviva’s prosthetic leg (10 points) and her ... well ... I don’t even feel comfortable explaining it. Am I going soft? [Ed note: Yes.]
Carole (Real Housewives of New York City, Connor), 10 points: “I have good news: I finished my manuscript and I am thinking about going to St. Barts and I would like you guys to tag along with me.” (10 plugging points) Classic overproduced reality TV bullshit right there. Nothing says “celebrate and relax” like taking a trip with five women that you don’t know who fill their days drinking and arguing. These shows should just own it: “Listen, ladies, the producers are paying for us all to go to St. Barts, the only catch is that two of us have to promise to get into a knife fight. Who’s with me?”
Ramona and Heather (Real Housewives of New York City, House and Lisanti), 10 points: Ramona and Heather got into two fights over, um, nothing really (10 points). I'm just going to come out and say it: I hate this show. (I actually don’t; my superego does.)
Blakeley (Bachelor Pad, Simmons), 10 points: Blakeley cried and argued (10 points), but who cares? She said “donkey punch” on prime-time network TV for the second time this season!
Marie (Real World, Simmons), 8 points: Marie the International Heineken Smuggler got slammered (8 points) and started crushing on a rich dude in a Rolex watch. Since when did this whole Sugar Daddy/Gold Digger thing become so shameless? Curious, I did extensive sociological research into this and found that it all can be tracked back to the Destiny’s Child song “Bills Bills Bills.”
Laura (Real World, Lisanti), 5 points: Laura cried because Trey yelled at her for being drunk and fun (5 points). Trey HATES fun.
Ed and Jaclyn (Bachelor Pad, Jacoby), 5 points: Ed and Jaclyn kissed (5 points), but Ed started the episode showing gratitude for not being voted off the previous week: “I cannot be more thankful for the people that have supported me and been there from Day 1.” Dude, you weren’t acquitted for murder, you made it another week on a reality show where the producers put you in a nut sack and dress you up like a hot fudge sundae. (OK, fine, you caught me, this is really just bait to get him to haze me in the comments this week like he did last week. I get a kick out of that shit.)