Taylor Swift's Fatal Attraction: Her relationship with rising high school junior Conor Kennedy continues at warp speed. "Swift is certainly taking her one-and-a-half-month romance rather, well, swiftly. Since meeting the 18-year-old Kennedy in July, the six-time Grammy winner, 22, has rearranged her schedule to spend as much time with him as possible." Although the rumor that she bought a house across the street from the Kennedy compound has been debunked, she is still giving off some serious Stage 5 Clinger vibes. "Swift loves that her new guy (son of Robert Kennedy Jr. and the late Mary) gives her entrée to the storied political family. She says it's a fantasy come true. She's very smitten." Isn't she always, though? "Pals are concerned she's repeating a troubling relationship pattern," citing the insanely fast pace of her monthlong fling with Jake Gyllenhaal, which ended when he dumped her unceremoniously. "She's always rushing into love. We all wonder why she can't take it slow." Because she thinks fairy-tale, love-at-first-sight romances are real, and always decides that whomever she is dating at the moment is The One (regardless of what the dude might think). "For years, Swift has harbored a not-so-secret infatuation with Conor's iconic family. One insider says Conor's cousin Ted Kennedy Jr. even calls the crooner a Kennedy groupie!" Well maybe Conor Kennedy is a Taylor Swift groupie! And they're not groupies, they're Band-Aids! She started collecting Kennedy memorabilia last year, after reading The Kennedy Women. She met Rory Kennedy at a screening of a doc about Ethel Kennedy, and was invited to spend her Fourth of July at the compound in Hyannis Port. She and Conor Kennedy have been inseparable ever since, although that may change in the fall when he goes back to, uh, high school.
"Swift's eagerness to settle down may be a turnoff for Conor, a popular football player at Deerfield Academy." A friend says "She has a habit of smothering guys and pushing them away." And then writing hit songs about it in which she blames them for everything that went wrong. "Every person I've fallen for, they've all been a song." What rhymes with Kennedy?
Britney Spears Gets Cold Feet: Her engagement to Jason Trawick drags on. "She won't even set a date. She's dragging her feet." How come Brit-Brit? "She sometimes feels Jason's more of a mentor than a husband" and more importantly, she "doesn't want to make a mistake." It's interesting how there's been a slight turn in the tabloids, which are recently allowing for the possibility that high-earning female stars who've been burned romantically in incredibly public ways in the past might become commitment-phobic. So no photos where you pose serving him in a French maid outfit, then? "She doesn't know what a third wedding looks like. Anything lavish would be embarrassing." All we want is for Britney to be happy.
Dudes Look Like Some Ladies: "Johnny Depp hanging out with Steven Tyler until 2 a.m. at Pink Taco in West Hollywood."
Rumer Willis & Jayson Blair: I got so excited thinking this meant she was dating the disgraced New York Times writer, but it's just some rando actor guy from Teen Wolf.
Jennie Garth Has a Boyfriend: His name is Dylan McKay. JUST KIDDING. Sorry for giving you a heart attack. "His name is Noah Abrams, and he's a successful photographer. She was seeing a few guys, but now she's only dating Noah. She wasn't sure if men were going to find her attractive. But she got asked out a lot!" I mean, duh, she's Kelly Taylor!
Kristen Stewart: "She isn't sleeping and she stays up all night crying. She feels like she's having a nervous breakdown." She possibly is? I would have a nervous breakdown if my life became a Philip K. Dick story where I was always being surveilled.
Jennifer Aniston: "Size doesn't matter to Jennifer Aniston." Should I stop there? No? Okay. "The actress, 43, has been proudly flaunting the understated ring her fiancé Justin Theroux designed and proposed with." She's probably stoked that it's much less tacky than the ring Brad Pitt designed for Angelina, or the one he gave Aniston, for that matter. People need to stop enabling Pitt's design fetish. "Jen is really into astrology. Justin is a Leo, which she thinks is a good match for her. Her risk-loving Sagittarius ex-husband, Brad Pitt, did not match with her in that sense." Also astrology is bullshit.
Katy Perry & John Mayer: The two stars "are no longer seeing each other after dating for several weeks." Remember in junior high how people dating for two weeks was like an incredibly long relationship? John Mayer still thinks that.
Scarlett Johansson & Nate Naylor: "The Avengers star, 27, and her advertising exec love, 39, got close over a meal of scallops and rosé at Le Schmuck restaurant." A witness says "They didn't seem interested in the food. They were much more focused on enjoying each other. They looked crazy about each other!"
President Chelsea Clinton: "Before my mom's campaign, I would have said no. Now, I don't know." Wouldn't it be kind of awesome if the former First Daughter ran for president? Can you imagine if Bill Clinton was your DAD?
Colin Farrell: "Jessica Biel kind of terrifies me. I wouldn't go a round with her in a ring."
Misc/Etc: "One word: Kapow!" "the funny girl" "Spicy!" "Prim and proper!" "You've been fucking cheating on me for months!" "for the benefit of her show and to make money" "Nightmare ex" "is emotionally exhausted" "I carry candy and sparkly hair ties" "I have temperamental teenage skin" "I don't care if it's a pencil" "I have a very distorted sense of humor!" "Probably something kinky!" "I try not to go onto the internet too much" "I know shaved ice" "funky in fedoras" "endless idyllic scenes of boat rides and picnics in the sun" "We go to Kidnasium and they use her as the tumbler example" "trying to reform a prostitute" "She was depressed, and now she's ready to fight back!" "Being single is not as bad as everyone likes to make it seem!" "They were all kittens — such gentlemen" "Lip gloss on legs"
Kim Kardashian's Threesome: Oh boy! "Kim Kardashian has never been shy about flaunting her sexuality. This is a woman whose first taste of fame came when a 2003 sex tape she made with ex-boyfriend Ray J was leaked. But it turns out that Kim dipped her toe into the porn world years before that." I mean, she is from the Valley. "Adult-film star Julian St. Jox tells Star exclusively that he met — and had sex with — the future reality-TV vixen at a swingers' party in Los Angeles in 2001, when she was 20 years old and married to Damon Thomas." Buckle up, kids, it gets sleazier. "In September 2001, there was a swingers' party, called After Midnight, at the Wyndham Hotel in Culver City. It had been going on for about eight to ten years at different locations around L.A. It was the most exclusive, upscale party around — invite-only, and most people had to either know someone to get invited or submit a photo and get pre-approved." Yikes. I've heard the Playboy Mansion also requires a picture in advance (for ladies only, naturally).
"Julian attended the party with another adult-film star, named Emily Ann, who he describes as 'blonde, very beautiful, and top-heavy.'" A little cursory Googling revealed no such porn star, but I'm allowing for the possibility that it's a pseudonym or something and not that this whole story is bullshit, which it probably is. That's no fun, so let's keep on assuming it's true. "It was around 11:30 p.m. when Kim showed up with a black male." Jox sat with Emily Ann at a private table. When Kim walked in, everyone took notice, especially Jox. "When I saw her, I thought her body looked good — she had a bubble butt that I liked." He conferred with Emily Ann, who suggested they approach Kim for a "private party." They asked her date about "a full swap" which is totally a thing out of the key party from The Ice Storm. "The next thing I knew, all four of us were dancing. I was dancing with Kim, and Emily Ann was dancing with Kim's date. The girls also danced with each other and we watched." Kim may have known that Jox was a porn star, although it's doubtful because he's not particularly famous. Jox just knew that he wanted to have Kim. "I have worked in the adult-film business for so long, and I've met many beautiful women, but a lot of them have something wrong with them in the head. Kim had something special about her — a je ne sais quoi. She had that X factor, even back then."
Kim and her date made their way to the hotel room, where Jox and Emily Ann were already partying with two other couples and another girl. "They seemed to like what they saw, entered the room, made a drink, and sat in the corner watching other couples have sex." Eyes Wide Shut! Keeping up with the Kubricks! "I was having sex with Emily Ann. She was very excited that Kim had showed up and she approached her. Emily Ann and Kim started kissing, licking each other's nipples, and I saw Emily Ann giving Kim oral sex. Kim definitely looked like she was enjoying herself." That's funny, because she's totally lifeless in her sex tape. "She knew exactly what she was doing; she wasn't shy at all. I'm not sure if this was her first time at an orgy or not, but she looked very comfortable. I approached both girls and started touching them and kissing them. Then we swapped, and Emily Ann joined Kim's date for sex. I gave Kim oral sex, I kissed her all over her body and we had sex in a few different positions." What positions? Be more thorough. "She looked like she was enjoying herself very much! She was a little submissive, but she was good. She knew what she was doing. She was very responsive to me." Jox calls it a positive experience over all: "great, fantastic! After I had sex with Kim, I moved on to the next girl. I didn't think anything of it, and afterward I probably slept with four women total." They didn't exchange digits at the NSA event. "People come to these parties to be free and experience sex with no strings attached." Of course, everyone knows proper orgy etiquette. Jox is "just happy I got to have sex with Kim Kardashian. It was around my birthday, so it was a great present!" Star wonders if Kanye knows and how he would react, to which we would counter that Kanye probably had threesomes every day for the last ten years, so come on. Also, when did Star turn into Penthouse Forum and can it please continue to do so apace?
Miley's Teenage Wasteland: "Miley's become a completely different person — her new look and change in mentality make her almost unrecognizable to those who know her best. Everyone's scared that she could be the next Hollywood casualty." First she started losing weight in an effort to keep boyfriend Liam Hemsworth from cheating, and then she was spotted with what looked like new self-harm marks on her arms. "Her latest rebellious acts include getting more tattoos, regularly smoking cigarettes and marijuana, living in filth and, of course, the infamous haircut." Oh no, a teenager is experimenting! Her parents are freaked! "The only conclusion they can come to for her erratic behavior is that she's on drugs." Fiancé Liam Hemsworth is only pretending to like her haircut. "He acted like he was OK with her cutting her hair, but he actually freaked out. He's trying to be sweet and supportive only to prevent anything tragic from happening." The "former Disney Princess" got the drastic haircut "in an effort to look punk." Make a pop-punk record, Miley! "Miley was so young when she got into the business. She didn't have a normal childhood." As long as she sticks to weed and weird haircuts, she'll turn out fine. Dubstep on the other hand...
Taylor Swift Bouvier Onassis Kennedy: "Despite her sweet-as-pie persona, she's 'extremely needy' when it comes to love. If Conor Kennedy had known the hornet's nest he was stepping into, he would never have let things get this far." I like these mixed metaphors. It makes me think about an apple pie covered with hornets. And has Conor never heard a Taylor Swift song? "She's coming on way too strong for Conor's comfort level." Conor's mother committed suicide earlier this year. But "it's not as if there weren't red flags for Conor. Earlier this year, Taylor spoke eerily of her fascination with America's royal family." They had a blissful July but "by mid-August they were already fighting. Conor said he needed some space to figure things out and that he wanted to dial back their romance. He told Taylor she was smothering him." Taylor didn't care for this idea. "It was like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation. She started screaming back at Conor, 'I've rearranged my life for you, and now you have the nerve to diss me like this? I introduced you to my parents. Now what am I supposed to tell them? That you're dumping me?'" I guess so, huh.
Michael Pitt's Q & A: Michael Pitt did a bizarre Q&A with Star, saying "I love Star and so does my mom!" Maybe this is his subtle fuck-you to the new season of Boardwalk Empire. Or maybe he was just always the male Paz de la Huerta. He has a "secret crush" on "David Bowie," an "embarrassing habit" of "smoking," and is "totally terrified of bees." His backup career would be "pumping gas" and his theme song would be "some kind of old gypsy song." His guilty pleasure is "a 40 oz. and a bucket of Popeyes chicken — Hey, I live in Brooklyn!" My guilty pleasure is this Q&A.
Prince Harry, Royal Third Wheel: No, this isn't about the naked pictures. "He's arguably the world's most eligible bachelor — and has sewn his royal oats with some of Britain's most beautiful women. But after rather lonely-looking appearances at Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee and the Olympic Games in London, it's clear Prince Harry is a third wheel to William and Kate." Or he was bored out of his mind having to sit still and look interested for a billion hours? "Now that he's 27, the playboy-prince routine has gotten old and he needs a serious girlfriend." Uh, Harry looked pretty blissful balling out of control in Las Vegas with Ryan Lochte as his wingman. "He's gotta do something soon, or else he'll continue looking like a sad-sack singleton." And we'll continue looking for his sack in those naked pictures from Vegas. I'm just happy that gingers are getting some shine.
Johnny Depp: "Looks like you can teach an old Johnny new tricks!" Those tricks involve texting. "The last time Johnny Depp was single — in the '90s — only yuppies and heart surgeons had cell phones. But now, back on the market after splitting with his longtime girlfriend Vanessa Paradis, the actor has adapted to the times and is using technology to snag dates!" He left his phone behind in a booth, enabling a "cute blonde waitress" to return it to him. "Johnny had a liking for the blonde and this was all a ploy to get the girl to chase him." I'm pretty sure introducing himself as Johnny Depp was all the ploy he actually needed.
Ryan Lochte: "He's an attention whore — he may as well cash in on it!"
Jennifer Lopez & Casper Smart: Why is Lopez still dating this fool? "Casper told J.Lo he is paranoid that he's being followed and she said 'Damn right you're being followed. The whole world is watching you! If you fuck up one more time it's over!'" This is also not the first time he has fucked up, as J.Lo already "caught him cheating with another backup dancer" before the pictures of him "entering a gay XXX peep show" came out. "She's so mad at him and tensions are really high." DUMP HIM, GIRL. "The hunky dancer also got a stern talking to from his cougar girlfriend. Jennifer told him his job is to do what she says, look good, smile for the cameras and have sex with her." There are much worse jobs.
Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher: His smartphone is the other woman. Jackie and Kelso went to Bali on "what should have been a romantic vacation." But Ashton was focused on keeping wired in. "Although Mila, 29, is playing it cool about their casual relationship, the insider said she objected to being 'virtually' ignored while Ashton continually texted, e-mailed, and Facebooked the rest of the world. While Ashton was busy sowing oats in FarmVille instead of real life, the Black Swan beauty was bored out of her mind. She couldn't wait to get home and find someone to talk to. She also found it a little disturbing that he was less about sightseeing in such a beautiful corner of the world and was more concerned with the latest showbiz news." She can do better.
Russell Brand Already Cheating on His New Girlfriend: "Looks like recovering sex addict Russell Brand may need to head back to treatment. The British comedian, 37, who's been dating 30-year-old talent agent Isabella Brewster" (sister of Jordana Brewster of Dallas and Derek Jeter) "was busted kissing a blonde mystery woman in the early morning hours of August 6th." Is anyone shocked? By anything Russell Brand does, ever? He's like Taylor Swift's fake surprised expression in human form. Brand "stepped out of his Range Rover, still in his pajamas, with a messy sexed-up look that can only come from a roll in the hay. And the blonde riding shotgun was definitely not Isabella!" Do more yoga, Russell. I'm sure Katy Perry will be just thrilled to hear about this latest development after just barely surviving John Mayer's blues explosion.
Misc/Etc: "(whose name has yet to be publicly released)" "has no intention of getting serious with her" "either thrilled or terrified" "Don't look down, girls!" "Devil Barbie, is that you?" "showed off his (beer) belly bump" "drank moonshine during filming to achieve the perfect drunk bloat" "looked like a cocktail waitress at a bullfight" "It's really sad because she truly likes him and thinks they're dating, but he absolutely does not" "teasing resident diva" "giggling is perfectly normal if you're a little girl with pigtails" "still a proper English gent" "Cuddling is enough for me" "No Ben & Jerry's pig outs here!" "the animal-print themed soiree" "My baby needs a daddy!" "Sisters always fight over clothes" "a killer body and a rock-star husband" "stomping the divets" "a much perkier rounder chest" "Cut bait and run, Mila!" "Once a heartbreaker, always a heartbreaker" "'doing an Elton'" "as horny as a college freshman" "YOWZA!" "(well, from Molly anyway)"
Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick: "You're seeing the evil Scott come out." Now that Kourtney has given birth, her boyfriend Scott Disick "doesn't like to hold the baby." Add that to his "out of control drinking and cocaine use" and it's clear that "he isn't being a good role model or a good dad." A source says, "The party boy has given up trying to be a good family man and has distanced himself from Kourtney's family." Kourtney told Scott to shape up, and he "did clean up for a while — and even tried to jump-start his own career by becoming part-owner of New York's RYU restaurant. But the eatery has been unsuccessful, and Scott's frustration with his failing business may have helped lead him in to temptation once again." A friend says "He's bored. He's a 29-year-old dad with no real job and nothing to do. So he's partying again and drinking heavily." His partying is "far from glamorous. He's more of a mess than I've ever seen him." Scott's nonstop partying binge has angered Kourt, "who had honestly hoped that a second child would finally make a responsible man out of her overgrown frat boy of a boyfriend." His behavior in public "has been humiliating for the exhausted mom of two, who, in addition to feeling insecure about losing the baby weight, is dealing with reports of her boyfriend partying and cozying up to young women at clubs." While Kourtney used to party harder than anyone, "dancing all night was fun when she was in her 20s, all that changed when she became pregnant with Mason." Scott feels "bored and trapped" at home, and "many feel Kourtney stands a better chance at happiness if she cuts her losses and finds someone new." Maybe Kanye can set her up with Pusha T.
Rihanna & Chris Brown: Rihanna told Oprah about her abusive ex. "We love each other and probably always will, and that's not something you can shut off." Ugh, this whole situation is complicated and sad.
Bradley Cooper: "It's like horrible surgery on your teeth!"
Nene Leakes: "40 is the new 30! I'm a sassy, fashion-forward grandma!"
Aaron Sorkin & Kristin Davis: "It's over" two months after they showed up at the premiere of The Newsroom together. Maybe he just wanted a temporary stunt wife for public appearances to prove that he's not incapable of human feelings. "They're very different people. She's focused on raising her daughter, Gemma, and he's working on his show." Now that Jennifer Aniston is engaged I say we all focus that energy on shaming Aaron Sorkin for being single instead. WILL AARON SORKIN BE ALONE FOREVER?
Christina Aguilera: "I welcome Britney to this family of fun and entertainment."
The Bachelorette: "Once filming is over, you're not in a honeymoon phase anymore. That's when reality will truly set in." I feel like I just read a Kafka story.
Snooki: "At the Shore, you're either going to hook up, get into a fight or go to jail. But being pregnant, you have no idea what's going on!" Also: "Lamaze is bullshit." Luckily, "I don't think anyone really knows what they're doing with the first kid. Jionni is nervous too, but he doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to make me even more scared." She wants her kid "to feel comfortable enough to say fuck in front of me" and is most looking forward to "being a MILF, for sure!" Here are some more Snooki fun facts:
- "I got As and Bs in high school and college"
- For breakfast she had "lots of ice cold watermelon"
- Pregnant and naked "I feel like a whale!"
- "I don't really have famous friends, I'm still normal." She would consider inviting Sway from MTV and Mario Lopez to her wedding, "but I won't invite George Clooney."
- Will her child do pageants? "No! I would never give my little baby a spray tan."
- Snooki 4 Prez: "I would get shit done. The economy would rise, everyone would be tan, and all the radios would play house music."
Tyra Banks: "I love ice cream, barbecue ribs, and bread, bread and more bread."
Jaime King: "I grew up in Hollywood, and my whole life I've believed that I have to look like a 14-year-old." Remember that amazing cover profile of Jaime "James" King by Jennifer Egan in The New York Times Magazine from the '90s when King was a 16-year-old model?
Misc/Etc: "They're squishing her feet" "I styled my hair like Jimmy Neutron" "I mimicked a shellfish" "It's crazy, stupid, and we love it!" "She invited me to a sleepover with her girls" "The fairy tale wasn't supposed to end like this" "What a waist!" "earns her (bikini) stripes" "trips to Target" "When I'm with him, my phone is switched off" "puppy Pilates" "takes partying to dangerous new levels" "Gone are exotic island adventures" "a really boring life" "goes tanning and to the nail salon" "her signature sexy confidence" "she is wracked with doubts and can't resist checking his phone" "incessantly tweeting pictures of herself" "She ties her whole opinion of herself to the way other people feel about her" "a mystery woman in a headband" "sharing the sea bass with friends like Chord Overstreet"
Katy Perry & John Mayer: The sub-headline is "THE SEX IS ON FIRE." So what happened? One week Katy and John are on the covers of all the tabloids, spotted at restaurants and parties all over L.A., and next thing you know it's over without a word from either one's camp. Perry posted a recent cryptic tweet of "oh, my heart" followed by a homemade video with Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" in the background, both clues that she may have gotten burned. So why would Perry get involved with John Mayer in the first place, knowing that she would mostly likely get played, and hard? Here's why:
1. She probably wanted to hit it for the longest time.
2. She probably thought she could control herself from developing feelings for him.
3. She probably hoped deep down that he'd develop mutual feelings for her.
After Mayer talked such a big game about being open to love and ready for a girlfriend during this recent press tour for his new album, it seems like a bad publicity move on his part to dump Perry, since it just reinforces his image as a womanizer. Of course nobody knows what went down behind closed doors except for the two musicians, and they have been (mostly) quiet on the matter. A friend dishes the tea on "the troubadour who has seemingly seduced half the women in Hollywood." She says, "Every girl I know who has been intimate with John says it was the best sex of their life. I'm not sure what exactly he does, but after girls are with him, that's it." WHAT DOES HE DO? "He's very intense and passionate. Katy says just being around him is a buzz. She's embracing her sexual side and feels more alive than she has in years." But with every high must come a crash. "They've gone from zero to 60 in a matter of weeks. Katy's telling everyone it's nothing serious, but a lot of friends think she's playing with fire. They know how vulnerable she can be. After Russell, Katy swore off players — yet somehow she's ended up with one of the biggest players in town. No one can blame her — John's extremely charming. He's not only a great lover, but also really brilliant and charming. On top of that he's a total romantic and he knows how to push every button." BUT WHAT DOES HE DO? "He also falls in and out of love with no regard for anyone's feelings. The worry is that he'll just see Katy as another notch on his belt." OH. THAT IS NOT SO COOL. "Pretty much every woman he's ever dated has come out of it with emotional damage." Do u ever feel like a plastic bag?
Kimye: "Kim and Kanye discuss starting a family just as much as they talk about fashion." Is this the perfect metro-sexual relationship?
Teen Mom's Maci Bookout: "Maci's friend Kayla gave her some fun, nasty stuff. There were these candy-flavored condoms and some of those white furry handcuffs — you know, sex toys." What is up with the tabloids this week? I guess the writers must be bored because everyone else in the world is on vacation for the end of August. Maci's baby daddy Ryan Edwards disapproves. "She's a public figure and Ryan expects her to treat herself with respect. Not act slutty on Twitter. That's public and on the internet and never goes away." That is so haunting.
Tom Cruise & Elisabeth Moss: This is barely an item, just a suggestion for whom Tom should date from OK's editors and I have to say it's slightly brilliant, since the actress known for playing Peggy Olson is a born-and-raised Scientologist. Thinking about Tom Cruise crossing over into the Mad Men universe is breaking my mind.
Rachel Zoe on Parenting: "It's like dressing a live doll." LOL, can't wait until that kid eventually writes an amazing tell-all book.
Rihanna: "I am super-duper afraid of the pedestal that comes with fame."
Sharon Stone: "I get pursued by men in their twenties. They probably know there's food in the fridge and that somebody's gonna ask them how their day was." That is a hilarious explanation. She's been dating a super-hot 27-year-old model so you know, WORK, Sharon Stone, you fabulous bitch.
Susan Sarandon: "Dating is such a stupid word. You can say that we are collaborating in a lot of different areas."
Misc/Etc: "What better person to help cheer him up than Rihanna?" "A lady in red always turns heads" "the bold python" "the one part of her body she has trouble with" "It was two warrior women beating the shit out of each other" "ego orgy" "WAR ON EVERYONE!" "It was too sad" "She wants to be stimulated intellectually by a man who'll challenge her" "Free and Feeling Frisky" "She's looking forward to having some flirtations again" "dropped the whole sexy smoldering thing and turned into a little kid" "I sat in a guy's lap and fell into a void" "She was hesitant to date him" "She's mum regarding any romantic deets" "sweetly show a little leg" "gets her good-girl image tarnished" "Don't miss the ugly cries!" "gives good face" "they're double-rich!" "awkward visits to the clam shack"