Last week, Fiona Apple was arrested in Sierra Blanca, Texas, for possession of marijuana and hash. She was charged with a felony, and eventually released on $10,000 bail. Pretty standard celebrity hijinks, right? Wrong! This is Fiona Apple we're talking about here. Things were bound to get a little Fiona Apple–y.
After missing her scheduled concert in Austin because of the arrest, Apple played Houston on Friday night, and kicked off the show with a wavering explanation of her drug-related troubles. There were two basic points: (1) The guy who runs the jail is a cool dude, and Fiona is sorry that she was "being attitude-y"; (2) There were these other four guys, and Apple doesn't specify who or where they were, but she does want them "to know that I heard everything you did, I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said, stupidly thinking that I couldn't hear or see you," and she'll make those guys "famous anytime you ask." Crucially: "I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and — I got two lock boxes. We'll call them 'holding cell one' and 'holding cell two.' In 'holding cell one' is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In 'holding cell two' is the decoder." One question — what size decoder fits in a lock box?! This is some high-end decodin'/lock-boxin'.
Check out the clip below, then take a minute to silently thank Fiona Apple for not kicking off your week by confusing things. She's Fiona Apple. She does Fiona Apple–y things. By the way: As of press time, Grantland can neither confirm nor deny rumors that the full text of Fiona Apple's speech will be the title of her next album.