Welcome back to our series Rembert Explains the '80s. Every so often, we'll e-mail 25-year-old Rembert Browne a video from the 1980s that he hasn't seen. Rembert will write down his thoughts as he's watching the video, then we'll post those thoughts here. This week's installment was selected by Grantland reader/Sports Guy Mailbagger Josh Sandin: the "I Still Believe" scene from The Lost Boys. If you have an idea for a future episode of Rembert Explains the '80s, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
0:06 Oh my god, this jacked man is performing for all these people with a saxophone in his hand. I want to talk about the guitarist with the pink Fraggle hair, but I can't. Not now. I have SAX MAN tunnel vision.
0:07 There have to be 10,000 people here. What is going on?
0:09 This might be the first Coachella. Unclear.
0:10 AHHH, HE'S GYRATING WITH HIS SAX. IT'S ALL VERY SERGIO:
I WANT MORE.
0:12 I need to know what song this is. It's incredible.
0:14 Oh hello there, Corey Haim.
10 bucks you won't get up onstage with the SAX MAN. Also, where's Feldman?
0:21 There is a very whimsical girl running through the crowd. With a child. She's either running to Haim or away from the SAX MAN. Can't wait to find out the answer.
0:30 Who is this other bro?
Wasn't aware that there was a third Corey. Is this the man said whimsylady is running toward?
She ran right past him to, believe it or not, get a better view of SAX MAN. Unreal.
0:37 Poor guy. [Cue pensive '80s teen pout.]
I'm over this guy. Like the girl, I'm all in on SAX MAN.
0:42 He's KILLING it.
Sorry, but I can't look at him without thinking about —
0:46 I like SAX MAN, because it's very clear he used to be chubby and then turned his life around and converted 90 percent of the fat into muscle. That 10 percent, however, is still present, in the form of C-cups. Respect to SAX MAN.
0:50 What are they looking at? SAX MAN or water nymph Naiad lady?
The latter, who looks a lot like early-'90s Mariah, has JUST spotted the boys drooling over her.
I wonder how SAX MAN feels about this. Also, this isn't Coachella 1. This is definitely Ozzfest 3.
1:02 I love this girl. Because she's such a bad dancer, all she can rely on is her emotions and hormones, which results in this comically off-beat, sultry, vixen-like creature that sends young boys into a hypnotized state. For our pouty-pensive boy, it's working. So effectively.
1:05 I take it back. This isn't Ozzfest 3. I think this is a prom after-party. Or maybe the country fair.
1:07 SAX MAN
Also, these flames are something I've yet to touch on. They're doing wonders to cover SAX MAN's body in sweat/accentuate the body oil with which he doused himself. WONDERS.
1:11 Everyone is dancing so off-beat. Wow. This 100 percent isn't Freaknik.
1:19 People are feeling this music. It makes sense, though, because this song is incredible. (I really need to know what this is, ASAP.)
1:21 SAX MAN, doing what he does best.
In honor of the art of the craft, here's Epic Sax Guy for 10 hours:
(Do not continue with this piece until you watch the entire thing. It goes crazy at 6 hours, 23 minutes. Trust me.)
1:24 Back to the clip. Our pouty-pensive teen boy has finally mustered the courage to smile at the Siren.
And then she ran away. WHAT. A. TEASE. Don't worry about her, man.
(I'm kidding, GO GET HER NOW BECAUSE SHE FALLS VICTIM TO THE SAX MAN, YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE SAX MAN, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SAX.)
1:32 And just like that, the clip is over.
I have so many questions. Who are these boys? Is this girl a runaway? Is this a postapocalyptic film? Where is Feldman? Does the SAX MAN's wife know that he's the SAX MAN, or did he tell her he was "going out to pick up some groceries"? FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT SONG?
[Ed.: Here you go, Rem.]