Nothing says Christmas like slaves and whores! Anne Hathaway and Samuel L. Jackson enter the ring for a very NSFW Sad-Off over cocoa and gingerbread while they deck the halls. If you’re still at work, now might be a good time to lug your desktop into the bathroom and plug it in under the sink, because I think this ISFP (is safe for potty). How can you top the sad factor of Les Mis, “the miserable”? Well, slavery’s a good place to start. Plus, the star of Jackson’s movie "had his own sitcom on the WB.” And Hathaway was only a Disney princess because she had long hair; in Les Mis all of that gets chopped off “with a knife” (but Jackson “hasn’t had hair since Unbreakable”). Hathaway might not be able to handle being a black man in the South in the 1800s (or ever), but “When there’s a French whore in the White House, then we can talk.” Then again, though Fantine loses her job, “everybody in [Jackson’s] film has job security, because they’re slaves.” Jackson illustrates this with marshmallows and licorice. Oh, so now it’s a slave house? If Hathaway had known, she “would have made whore town.” Someone, quick, throw together a movie featuring slaves with tuberculosis shaving cancer-stricken puppies, hoping to sell the fur to buy instant oatmeal for their families! The Sad-Off championship title can be yours!
• This is the news that gets leaked when everyone who works with you hates you so, so much: Lindsay Lohan clogged every toilet on the set of Scary Movie 5. Working with Lohan is like getting your passport stamped in Guernica: “No one could go to the bathroom.”
• Donald Trump won a suit ($5 million, which he desperately needs) against a Miss USA contestant who called the pageant “fraudulent." I think “trashy” can still stand, however.
• A commercial for Funeraria Lopez contains two noteworthy elements: a sexy corpse resurrecting itself in a casket to give a thumbs-up, and a badly drawn lion in a Santa hat pretending to record your reaction.
• I delicately and gracefully push pause on my remote with an index fingernail lacquered with “What’s the Mitch-uation” from OPI’s Modern Family line, and then use that same finger to stimulate myself to vomit in all the shades of the rainbow, including “Diners, Drive Ins & Thumbs” and “Haute Hoarders Heliotrope.”
• This spider is planning to host a Burning Man festival in its web later this year if it doesn’t kill us all of nightmares first.
• Charles Dickens, you were one weird motherf---er: “Understandably distraught when his beloved cat Bob died in 1862, the writer was eager to keep a visual memory on his desk. One of Bob’s paws was promptly stuffed and adhered to an ivory blade, which was engraved 'C.D. In Memory of Bob 1862.'”