Going into this week between Christmas and New Year's Day, known to some as "vacation" and others as "Kwanzaa," there were only a few things that could have waken me out of hibernation, prompting a text longer than 140 characters. Eight things, to be exact:
1. Video of Michelle Obama from a never-released Uncle Luke video surfacing.
2. Video of Barack Obama from a never-released Uncle Luke video surfacing.
3. Sasha Obama being implicated in a Sidwell Friends multiplication test cheating scandal.
4. 2 Chainz showing up at my house, wanting his hair braided. Aunt obliging.
5. Word getting out that Kim Kardashian is pregnant.
6. Trinidad James taking me on a sweaty shopping spree.
7. High school basketball phenom Jabari Parker reneging on his commitment to Duke, deciding instead to play at Dartmouth.
8. A Waffle House opening in Manhattan.
Here's what happened:
IN REAL LIFE
Kanye West performed a show last night in Atlantic City, his third and final, and in the middle of a song stops the music and says:
Make some noise for my baby mama.
While he says it, he makes this face, which is precious.
MEANWHILE, ON THE INTERNET
Around 12:13 a.m. Eastern, wonderful souls at the Atlantic City show begins tweeting out what they just heard:
Rumors of Kim's morning sickness coupled with this text I got the day before from my friend Alex ...
... had me thinking there might be some weight to these concert tweets. I mean, Kanye would be the one to just say this in jest, because he is a legendary troller of America, but when has the beauty salon ever really been wrong? Knowing that, I retweeted everything I could find.
BACK TO REALITY
Later in the show, he continues:
This time, he says:
Even if it wasn’t planned, God brought us a whole new plan.
I don’t think y'all quite understand what I’m saying ... 'cause now you’re having my baby. You’re having my baby and you mean so much to me.
Ten minutes into the rumor mill, and it's utter madness. People, myself included, who seemingly had plans to go to sleep and up for a long New Year's Eve night were now subjecting themselves to at least two more hours of "is this real?":
Or, in my case, "lets think of things to call their future baby until we fall asleep, drooling on our computer's space bar":
BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY
Where was Kim while all of this was happening?
INTERNET, WHAT SAY YOU?
First, it was Russell Simmons:
And then the family came out of the woodwork, turning
everyone's my greatest dreams into a reality.
So there it is. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a child. This will, for better or worse, be something that dominates news, reality television, the Internet, MySpace, Pinterest, and any other medium worth being dominated for the next seven months, so that's just something we should be prepared for. As for final thoughts, in these, our last few hours of 2012, I'm going to brag in CAPS LOCK AND SOMETIMES IT WILL BE IN BOLD ITALICS.
(This is your cue to close the browser.)
GRANTLAND 2013 PREDICTIONS, WHAT UP?
December 27, 2012:
I WAS SO SPOT-ON ABOUT THIS, I WAS EARLY. WHAT UPPPPP.
END-OF-THE-YEAR BRACKET. WAIT, WHO WON AGAIN?
OH YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
LONG LIVE THE KNOWLES-THRONEDASHIANS, ILLUMINATI COUSINS AND FUTURE PTA BOARD MEMBERS.
Happy New Year.