Every year, right in the middle of that grotesquely smug, garrulously sycophantic tradition known as movie award season, come the Razzies, gleefully pointing their finger right at the bottom of the Hollywood barrel to soothe the blackest hearts among us. But the Razzies aren't just here to make bitter people feel better — at this point, with 33 years in the game, they're a tradition-bound counterbalance that, through both their diligently chosen nominees and snubs, offer their own particular honorifics. In other words: The Razzie Nominations for 2013 were announced last night (and are posted below) — who's looking good?!
Battleship turned in a typhoon of a performance, sailing right into the top category, Worst Picture. And caught in the swell, as was to be expected, were Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker, who were apparently too busy being already rich and famous to take acting lessons. But guess which Battleship star you won't see below? Despite his horrific 2012, Taylor Kitsch has, for now, managed to avoid the wrath of the Razzies. That's right: Tim Riggins is safe! Meanwhile, Liam Neeson's nod in Worst Supporting Actor could be a blessing in disguise: Oskar Schindler has the kind of cred in this town to pull a Bullock/Berry and actually show up to this thing.
Last year, Adam Sandler had a Razzie performance for the ages, riding Jack and Jill to a record-breaking 11 statuettes, including Worst Picture. He couldn't possibly go back-to-back, could he? Could he? Of course he could! Right in the thick of the Worst Picture race, there it is: Adam Sandler presents That's My Boy. Meanwhile, Sandler can still laugh it off because his last movie racked up $300 million.
The Oogieloves in Big Balloon Adventure is up for Worst Picture, too, and Vanilla Ice's performance in That's My Boy was deemed juicy enough for a Worst Supporting Actor nod. And that's just good clean publicity for those two: A Razzie might just be the thing to get The Oogieloves on the world stage; meanwhile, if Vanilla wins the award for his cameo, it will be a historic "Dame Judi Dench in Shakespeare in Love" moment for the Razzies.
Nicolas Cage is nominated for a movie called Seeking Justice, and right now is the first time I'm hearing about a Nicolas Cage movie called Seeking Justice. That seems about right.
But the big winners are whoever came up with the nominees for Worst Screen Couple. "Any two cast members from Jersey Shore in The Three Stooges"? "Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester, or Susan Sarandon in That's My Boy"? "Tyler Perry and his drag"? As always: good work, Razzies.
And the rest of the nominees:
The Oogieloves in Big Balloon Adventure
That's My Boy
A Thousand Words
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
Sean Anders, That's My Boy
Peter Berg, Battleship
Bill Condon, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
Tyler Perry, Good Deeds / Madea's Witness Protection
John Putch, Atlas Shrugged Part II
Katherine Heigl, One For the Money
Milla Jovovich, Resident Evil: Retribution
Tyler Perry, Madea's Witness Protection
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2 / Snow White and the Huntsman
Barbra Streisand, The Guilt Trip
Nicolas Cage, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance / Seeking Justice
Eddie Murphy, A Thousand Words
Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
Tyler Perry, Alex Cross / Good Deeds
Adam Sandler, That's My Boy
Worst Supporting Actress
Jessica Biel, Playing For Keeps / Total Recall
Brooklyn Decker, Battleship / What to Expect When You're Expecting
Ashley Greene, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
Jennifer Lopez, What to Expect When You're Expecting
Worst Supporting Actor
David Hasselhoff, Piranha 3-DD
Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
Liam Neeson, Battleship / Wrath of the Titans
Nick Swardson, That's My Boy
Vanilla Ice, That's My Boy
Worst Screen Couple
Any two cast members from Jersey Shore in The Three Stooges
Mackenzie Foy and Taylor Lautner in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
Tyler Perry and his drag in Madea's Witness Protection
Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester, or Susan Sarandon in That's My Boy