Reality TV presented some unique remedies to common ailments this week. Drug problem? Drink some lemonade. Broken heart? Shoot some shit with a shotgun. Psychological trauma? Jump off a building with a buff blonde, bro. Confused? Read the rest of the column. To be clear, I can’t promise you that any of this will make sense/be effective/not get you killed. So yeah, there’s that.
Shae (Buckwild, Simmons), 40 points: “There are three things that a girl should do to get over a guy in West Virginia: shoot guns, get a tattoo, and find a rebound hookup.” —Aristotle
Oh, wait, that wasn’t Aristotle. That was Ashley from Buckwild. Whatever. You see, Ashley’s friend Shae had just loudly broken up with her live-in boyfriend Jesse J (5 points) because Jesse J was a less-than-ideal live-in boyfriend. There was the time he tried to get coitusy with Shae’s friend Salwa in the bathroom while Shae slept. Then there was the time he tried to coitus Shae’s other friend Ashley when Shae wasn’t around. And, worst of all, there's the fact that he has the Jordan “Jumpman” logo tattooed on his biceps.
Now when you lose a man like that in your life, you have to have a robust support system around you. Thank god for the Buckwild crew. Let’s sit on a trash-can lid tied to the back of an ATV and ride along as Shae cleanses herself of Jesse J With the Jumpman Tattoo.
Step 1, Shooting Guns: The folks of Sissonville, West Virginia, don’t find it entertaining enough to simply shoot stuff. They shoot stuff that's super fun to shoot. Two-liter bottle of soda? I can open that for you. Balloon need deflating? I got you. Apprehensive at first, Shae warmed up to the shooting stuff quickly (10 points) and by the end of the episode was making West Virginia potato salad, inspiring Joey to declare, “Shae is already smoking hot, but if you put a potato gun in her hands, oh, man.” To be fair, his judgment may have been impaired from when he flame-broiled his Beeby quaff with the potato gun — or his judgement may have been impaired by, ya know, being Joey from Buckwild.
Step 2, Tattoos: The girls went and got tattoos that read “NPS,” an acronym for “No Pussy Shit.” Shae got hers on the underside of her bottom lip, which is kind of pussy shit (10 points).
Step 3, Rebound Hookup: Shae decided that she wanted to give Joey a birthday present. Her present to him was covering his torso in apple butter and licking it off. To this point in human history, the most foolproof coitus precursor has been a back massage; the apple-butter route is still in beta testing, but appears to be equally successful (25 points). (Am I the only one who sees any type of mixture of food and sexual contact completely disrespectful to two of life’s greatest pleasures?)
Tyler (Buckwild, Connor), 35 points: We've all been passed out and covered in vomit. Don’t lie; you have. The difference between us and Jesse B on Buckwild is that we leave parties when we're passed out and covered in vomit, and he arrives passed out and covered in vomit. When Jesse B was exiting the beer-koozied get-together, he had a healthy dose of blood mixed in with the vomit, courtesy of a couple right crosses from Tyler (25 + 10 points). When you're under 30, you pass out covered in vomit holding a beer bottle; when you're over 30, you pass out covered in vomit holding a baby bottle.
Katie (The Bachelor, Simmons), 30 points: If you jump in the ocean, you can’t complain about getting wet — and when you come on The Bachelor, you can’t complain about it being weird. I'm 99 percent sure they call the Japanese version of the show “Weird and Uncomfortable Sex Competition.” (Oh, shit, I just Googled “Weird and Uncomfortable Sex Competition” and the first result is Lena Dunham visiting The View. Take a minute to let that soak in.)
Back to The Bachelor. When Curly Haired Katie says, “I mean, it is a weird situation. If I'm surrounded by these very over-the-top personalities, I'm not going to compete. I am going to retreat.” The Bachelor scholars and historians will note that many a bachelorette from seasons past has approached the ol’ Bach with an “I am not sure this is for me” fully expecting a “No, don’t go. I am really feeling a connection here” response. Sean’s response? “OK, let me walk you out, then.” (30 points). It was the only time in two seasons of this program that Sean has come off like a G, and it was 100 percent unintentional.
Also: Can we talk about the “cocktails” on The Bachelor?
What are they toasting with? Why are there no bubbles in the bubbly?
Are those eight-ounce glasses of Don Julio? If I had Bill Gates money, I would buy Disney, demand they tell me what the hell is going on with the drinks this season of The Bachelor, and then sell Disney at a loss. Whatever it cost, it'd be worth it. I need to know why there’s no ice, no wine, and why all the drinks look kind of uriney.
Joey (Buckwild, Lisanti), 25 points: Was the apple butter still sticky? Did they clean it off pre-coitus (25 points)? Do his sheets smell like apple butter? Is that a bad thing? Where do you buy apple butter? Apples aren’t brown, butter isn’t brown, so how is apple butter brown?
Desiree (The Bachelor, Connor), 10 points: Desiree (Call Me Dez) is an early favorite of Sean’s, but were I him, I would tread carefully. You cannot trust a woman who sits down in a bikini and maintains a flat stomach. As if Sean's and Desiree’s good looks, toned bodies, and kind dispositions weren’t enough to make you want to asphyxiate yourself with a Hefty bag, they were super-gushy about each other the whole date long. I have no idea why certain gushy couples affectionizing each other makes me react the way I do to roadkill, but they just do. In fact, this week’s GRTFL Top 5 is the Top 5 Things That Sean and Desiree (Call Me Dez) Said About Each Other and the Terrible Things They Made Me Think About listed from “That's actually kind of sweet” to “How did I get to this point in my life where I hate love?”
5. Sweet and Earnest Statement: “I already feel like he is my boyfriend. I just do; we are, like, comfortable.”
Terrible thing it made me want to do: Turn the TV off and read a book.
4. Sweet and Earnest Statement: “Chemistry with Dez is undeniable; it is, like, it sparks.”
Terrible thing it made me want to do: Douse myself in gasoline in anticipation of the next spark.
3. Sweet and Earnest Statement: “Our physical connection is phenomenal. I was feeling her, and she was feeling me, so it only felt right to make out a little (5 x 2 = 10 points)."
Terrible thing it made me want to do: Smash my television into shards of glass and make out with them a little.
2. Sweet and Earnest Statement: “She is comfortable in her own skin because she knows what she wants, and I know what I want, and apparently she is feeling me so far, and I am definitely feeling her, so maybe this will be a match.”
Terrible thing it made me want to do: Take off my own skin with a deli slicer.
1. Sweet and Earnest Statement: “I could see myself being with Dez, and I could see myself marrying someone like Dez. Right now, I could see every quality that I look for in a wife … and a best friend.”
Terrible thing it made me want to do: Honestly, that one was kind of sweet. I think I'm getting soft.
Maybe Desiree (Call Me Dez) makes it far enough where these words come out of Sean’s mouth: “Mom, she's just a normal woman who sells wedding dresses for a living and went on a network TV show to meet me — what do you mean 'warning signs'?”
Shain, Salwa (in heels), Ashley, Cara (Buckwild, Various GRTFL Teams), 10 points: The rest of the Buckwild cast was also playing “shoot stuff” with Shae and Tyler one afternoon in the holler (10 points) after they moved Shae into the house with the rest of the girls. The tiny room that Shae moved into had nothing but black lights for illumination. I wonder why they would fill a room with only black lights? What could a bunch of kids with no jobs in their early 20s be up to in that room? Oh, I know! They use it to check their clothes for lint before leaving the house. Crafty.
Kristy (The Bachelor, House), 10 points: Kristy is the one who's a Ford model. Every time she mentions this, my wife blurts “CATALOG!” Regardless, when the group date was a photo shoot for a romance-novel cover this week, she made her modely presence felt (10 points). While the other girls were sheepish and timid in front of the cameras, the first thing Kristy did when she walked on the set was give Sean a knowing smile, grab his hands, and then guide them to her ass:
Ladies, this works a bafillion times out of a bafillion.
Sarah (The Bachelor, Simmons), 5 points: Sarah is the one with one arm, and ABC is doing little to let you forget that. During the first one-on-one date of the season, Sean and Sarah were helicoptered into downtown Los Angeles, strapped into a harness/window cleaner thing, and dropped off the edge of the building. Sarah screamed “HOLY COW” when she landed. Then she had something she wanted to share with Sean:
“So there is a story that I want to share that pertains to today. I was in Vegas with my dad, and I wanted to go zip-lining, so I got started through the process filling out the paperwork, strapping us in much like today, and there was this moment when one of the employees came marching up to me and he ended up telling me I couldn’t go zip-lining because state law prohibited people with disabilities to go zip-lining. I was mortified and humiliated. And I ran out of the room, and I started crying. I was upset because somebody was telling me that I couldn’t do something that I clearly knew I could do.”
Realizing that she was having a moment, Sean decided to comfort her … with a super-awkward nub rub:
I feel bad for Sean. He's in a tough spot: At some point, he's going to have to be the guy who breaks up with the one-armed girl on national television. It's too bad, too. Sarah's an attractive, intelligent young woman — but she clearly doesn’t have the connection with Sean that some of the other girls do. My only hope is that he drops her sooner than later because I can only make it through, like, two or three more columns without making a distasteful joke. Nobody wants that.
Lesley (The Bachelor, House), 5 points: Sean has absolutely no game. None. After being flirty with Lesley during the group date, the two of them retired to a couch for some alone time. During said alone time, there were at least four “Dude, I am staring into your eyes and not talking, and this is how I say 'kiss me' so nut up and do it before I do” moments that passed without lip lock. Lesley, frustrated, noted, “I thought he was going in for it at one point, but he didn’t” and later decided to take matters into her own lips (5 points). Sean is a good guy, but he just isn’t the right guy for this role. He's the Mike D’Antoni of Bachelors.
Kyle (Housewives, Jacoby), 4 points: Kyle mentioned James Brolin while arguing with her husband about Brandi’s lawsuit (4 points). Then she mentioned that she found him attractive when she was a little girl. Fact.
Yolanda (Housewives, Connor), 2 points: I fucking love Yolanda. And you know what Yolanda loves? The Master Cleanse and name-dropping Barbra Streisand (2 points). What is the Master Cleanse? It's a 10-day fast where all you consume is lemonade. Check it:
“I was introduced to the Master Cleanse, which you do with lemons, and you don’t eat for 10 days. It just cleans your entire body, which really reboots your metabolism and your brain chemicals and all that.”
Yolanda is just the type of California sun-dried housewife who would do nothing but drink lemonade for a week and a half. She's also the type to plant a lemon orchard on her property for organic cleansing and maintain an aggressive personal crusade to get everyone around her on the Master Sizurp. She's a little too much The Master and too little cleanse. This week, she invited Kyle up to her palace to concoct a supply for her. While Kyle was there, Yolanda mentioned that she invited Kim up to the Malibu cleansing station, as well, because, “If we can only get her through 10 days of this, it will change her choices in her life, I promise you. I feel so strongly about it.” READ: MY LEMONADE WILL FIX YOUR SISTER’S DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION. When life gives you lemons … pretend they reboot your brain.