We learned a lot today. How to spell “inauguration” (though I’d like to keep “Anoguracetion” as a beautiful name for my future daughter). How to wear the “fringe [that’s] the talk of the town — and the world." How to express excitement with a wiggle. How to bring a pastoral backdrop with you wherever you go. How to give good side-eye. And, of course, how to accessorize. Lupe Fiasco learned that if you’re going to criticize the POTUS, you have to keep it radio-edit length. There will be a test later today covering these topics and more. This is the only flash card you’ll need.
• Last year, Joaquin Phoenix compared the awards circuit to a foul carrot. This year, he gives credit for his nomination to Tommy what’s-his-name and entreats you to see Lincoln. I like to picture him giving the “You like me!” speech while smashing lit cigarettes on his Academy Award and frowning.
• Amanda Seyfried as Linda Lovelace, opening like a flower. Nobody ever says "I opened like a clam" about their sexual awakening. Or “I opened like a brand-new H&M and it made my brain 'become Hiroshima.'" This is the first thing I will change when I am elected sexual laureate.
• A brief history of the President’s relationship to hip-hop, including a "whimsical" audience with Ludacris and VIBE's "Obama Time" cover.