There is no chance that I make it all the way through this column. First of all, four hours of The Bachelor is just too much Bachelor. Frankly, four hours is too much anything aside from, like, vacations and watching LeBron James pop a molly. Second, how am I going to make fun of the tragic death of a 12-year-old, a crying one-armed woman, and the supposed “sobriety” of Kim Richards without getting sued, fired, or the shit beat out of me? I can’t, I really can’t. I apologize ahead of time to my editors and every single person I am about to write about. Actually, no, I take that back, I apologize to everyone I am about to write about aside from Tierra. I can’t stand Tierra.
Tierra (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 25 points: I refuse to give Tierra attention. Twice this season she has forced Emergency Medical Technicians to perform the least emergency shit they will ever do in their careers. I can’t tell who is the most disgusted by her at this point, the girls in the house, the audience, or Sean. And don’t think that Sean doesn’t hate her — the producers just won’t let him vote her off because she is great TV and she won’t let him not make out with her because she is a delusionatic. I am legally obligated to mention that she scored 25 points and also legally obligated to not make fun of the weird hole in her forehead.
If you want full Tierra coverage, can I recommend Mark Lisanti’s columns this week? Methinks you will enjoy them; they are like the GRTFL but he writes with full sentences, big words, and, ya know, thinks and stuff.
Oh yeah, one more Tierra thing, GRTFL Super Scorer Caitlin Mangum (@caitlinmangum) on post-hypothermia Tierra, “Someone is massaging Tierra's feet, she's hooked up to oxygen, and she's chowing down on a sub sandwich. Maybe I need to look into hypothermia I love massages, oxygen, and sandwiches.” She cracks me up.
Kim (Housewives, Jacoby), 30 points: Kim hasn’t interacted a lot with the other Really Insane Housewives of Beverly Hills because she lives in the Valley, just got out of rehab, and has a constant flow of healers/psychic/surgeons coming to her house to steal her money/soul/nose cartilage. She has made a slurry appearance in every show regardless, but this one was special. Let’s listen in on a phone call to her sister Kyle:
Kim: “Well, I’m thinking about going in to get my nose done.”
Kyle: “Thinking about getting your nose done? When?”
Kim: “Today. I’m really kind of scared and nervous and I don’t know if I really want to do it.”
Thing Kyle said during the rest of the conversation:
“Did you have the blood test and everything that you need to??”
Things Kyle didn’t say during the rest of the phone conversation:
“Who is performing it?”
“What exactly are you having done?”
“Did the unborn-grandchild ghosts that live in your house think it was OK?"
“Are you sober?”
“Does the doctor know you have a problem with drugs and alcohol?”
“You really shouldn’t do this.”
So then there is Kim, on the operating table, slurry, and having this conversation with her doctor:
Doctor: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Kim: “Are you happy today?"
Kim: “Did you rest a lot last night?”
Kim: ”Did you have a beautiful weekend?”
HOW ARE THESE THE QUESTIONS YOU ASK A DOCTOR BEFORE HE OPENS YOUR FACE WITH A KNIFE (15 points)?
She also won the “Allison DuBois memorial e-cigarette smoking award,” worth another 15 points. Shout-out to Allison DuBois, would love an update on her.
Lindsay (The Bachelor, Kang), 25 points: Lindsay, what the hell are you still doing on this show? You showed up on the first day slammered in a wedding dress, you asked “is that a helicopter?” when you were on a date with The Bachelor, and your father is a two-star general. I would love to hear your father's thoughts as he and his Army buddies watch you make out with Sean five times (25 points) and tell him that you sleep naked. If I die today night in a drone strike you know who to question first.
AshLee (The Bachelor, Simmons), 25 points: AshLee is attractive, calm, and generally a great catch. But every time she gets around Sean she says these little things between makeouts (25 points) that have super-dark subtextual nuance. Things like, "No one in my life has ever made me want to do something for them” and “there’s something in his eyes that I see that makes me feel protected by him and that is beyond huge for me.”
Nothing wrong on the surface of these statements — but who has never wanted to do something for someone? Being protected is nice and all, but “beyond huge?” I feel like in the second year of marriage she breaks down and tells you that she spent 10 years with an abusive ex-boyfriend who killed seven people and is on the run, and she thinks you should invest in a $20,000 alarm system.
Run, Sean — just run. The signs are there, and you’re not about that camera surveillance life.
Des (The Bachelor, Connor), 25 points: Grantland office favorite Des lost points from me for being all complainy that her group date doubled in size and won points from me for growing up in tents and trailer parks. Dating a chick that grew up in tents and trailer parks is comforting. If she becomes your wife, it is impossible for her to complain about living in a house without a third bathroom when she spent her childhood in a tent. I think Des will be around for a while. Matter of fact, PREDICTION TIME: Here’s how I think it will go down. (Please note: I have no real knowledge of how it will go down.)
Tierra is out next episode. Then Lindsay. Then AshLee. Catherine is final four. Des gets the final rose. Lesley is the next Bachelorette. Juliet (@julietlitman) was hip early to the “Lesley as the next Bachelorette” theory. The only question left is who writes “the note” that Sean receives while on the engagement launching pad that they teased in the “this season on " segment. I am going with Lindsay; she seems to be the only contestant who can, you know, use her words.
Daniella (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 20 points: Daniella made out with Sean once (5 points), cried a few times (15 points), and made a fool out of herself at least three times:
1. Upon seeing goats on a date, “Are those dogs?”
2. Upon losing a challenge that consisted of canoeing, bailing hay, milking a goat, and drinking goat’s milk, “That was a really emotional one for me.”
3. Upon returning from spying on Sean:
Daniella: “They are, like, sitting on each other’s laps.”
Daniella: “Yeah, and I just felt like, 'Can you get off of her lap?'”
Des: “You mean she is on his lap?”
Daniella: “Yeah, she is on his lap.”
No idea why, but that last exchange just absolutely had me in stitches. I may or may not have watched it seven times.
Jackie (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 20 points: Wait, which one is Jackie again? Oh yeah, the super-cute redhead “cosmetics consultant” who hasn’t said a word the entire season. She had the misfortune of being the third wheel on Tierra and Sean's “two on one” date and got a kiss (5 points), but was promptly packing her makeup bag in tears (5 points). She did get snitchy on her way out, though, telling Sean that Tierra was flirting with some guy at the airport (10 points). That airport flirt is this week’s GRTFL Questionable Moment of the Week:
How was this airport thing not on camera? Why did this not come up before? What exactly did she do that was “flirting”? Do they all fly on the plane? How are they simultaneously packed for ice fishing and beachcombing? Are the baggage fees higher or lower than $10,000 per flight? Who sits in the middle seats? Do they all do that thing where you wear pajamas and bring a pillow for two hours of sitting in a chair? On the plane, do they serve the weird urine-colored liquid they all drink at the “cocktail” parties? Are they allowed ice in their drinks on the plane? How does a producer not pay a PA to have a shitty handheld camera pointed at the pack the whole time “just in case”? Isn’t it kind of exciting when the footage gets shitty anyway? Tell me the straight dudes on this plane aren’t at first excited and then after 10 minutes muttering to themselves things like, “Who the fuck is Sean? Is this a polygamist family? When are these chicks going to shut up about Sean? Can I change seats to get as far away from them as possible?" Did I just do a series of questions within a series of questions? Is this so much fun to write that I should do a whole column just asking dumb questions?
No, I probably shouldn’t, but I probably will.
Tyler (Buckwild, Connor), 15 points: Tyler made out with Katie (5 points). Drove around in the mud in his truck. Made out with Ashley (5 points). Drove around in the mud in his truck. Then argued with Ashley and Katie about making out with both of them (5 points). West Virginia. Before all this, Katie described Tyler thusly: “He is such a good guy, he is so sweet and so nice but he is really, really, really stupid. Like, really stupid.” West Virginia.
Brandi (Housewives, Simmons), 15 points: Brandi (read: the producers) invited the whole gang, including Adrienne, who is suing her (10 points), to Vegas to attend some, well, stripper academy bullshit. Who cares why, really? I just want to rate their performances in a bit I am calling “Pole Position”:
1. Brandi: She had clearly done this before. When the skankiest girl in the crew is all, “Let's attend a pole dancing class,” it is like Steve Kerr asking you to play H.O.R.S.E.
2. Camille: “I have no experience whatsoever with pole dancing.” Yeah, right, she was credited as “MTV Club Dancer 1988-1992” in the show. My favorite TV show of all time, The Grind, launched in 1992 as well. Wait, no one has done a The Grind oral history? I need a book agent.
3. Lisa: Lisa talks about never having sex so much that my wife is convinced she is always having sex. Her pole dancing performance supports her theory.
4. Yolanda: While not a natural, she did narrowly escape death attempting a pole trick, and that is worth a lot in my book.
5. Kyle and Marisa: Marisa sums up these two with, “The only way I can act sexy is never.”
Sarah (The Bachelor, Simmons), 10 points: After a kiss (5 points), Sarah The One-Armed Girl was sent home this week and, no bullshit, nearly made me cry with her teary exit speech (5 points). Just read it:
“I don't know why this always happens to me. I wanted him to stop before he even started, because I knew what he was going to say, but I wanted to hear his explanation because [sniff] because it is always the same, “You’re an amazing girl and I know how special you are, and I wanted to connect with you but I just don’t. And someone is going to be so happy to have you and I don't want to put you through this.” It's not my first time. I don’t want to be told how great I am forever. It is just sad to think, like, how did Sean see it and feel it in the beginning?”
Oh god, it just got dusty up in here reading it again. I feel for you, Sarah. And Sean, fuck you for breaking up with her privately under the guise of, “I didn’t want to put you through another rose ceremony.” You know what she didn’t want to do? Get pulled from the group so you could surprise break up with her for a half-hour and then force her to go through the shame of announcing that she was just broken up with.
This show turns The Bachelor/Bachelorette into soulless heart-breaking robots. How can you break an average of 1.5 hearts a week and not revolt? At some point, don’t you just walk off the show like, “This is evil, I am leaving, you’re exploiting me and these poor women just so you can make a buck off of cold-sore gunk ads”? Oh yeah, were the cold-sore medicine ads I saw during Monday’s episode an L.A. thing? Or did everyone see those? It was so damn hilarious and meta that I thought my TV was going to turn into Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors, eat me, and take me to TV Oz. TV Oz would be dope.
Katie and Ashley (Buckwild, Kang and Lisanti), 10 points: This brings us to the weekly bit-that-isn’t-really-a-weekly-bit-that-I-can-never-remember-the-name-of, “Life Lesson From West Virginia (or whatever)”:
“Life Lesson From West Virginia” (or whatever): If your partner cheats on you with another man or woman, be mad at your partner (5 points). Hell, even gang up on him (5 points). WAY too much energy is spent fighting the man or woman that they cheated on you with. While I watched Katie and Ashley combine forces to berate Tyler, all I could think was, How come this doesn’t happen more often?
There it is, your final “Life Lesson From West Virgina (or whatever).”
Robyn (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 10 points: Seeing Sean give her a good-bye kiss (5 points), I realized how much I am going to miss Robyn. She is hot, smart, funny, a gymnast, and the only chick that called Tierra on her bullshit to her face (5 points). Also, she watches Bad Girls Club. I know because before she confronted Tierra she declared, “I am so sick of her, I will make this the Bad Girls Club.” If someone just took the cast of Bad Girls Club and then put them on The Bach wait, I think I just had a perfect-stroke.
Camille, Yolanda, Kyle, Lisa, Basically Everyone (Housewives, various GRTFL teams), 5 points: OK, there was a huge fight at a dinner table on Housewives (5 points). A huge fight that I may or may not have watched three times and still don’t understand. Do you know how embarrassing it is when you realize they edited this for the Housewives audience and it goes over your head THREE TIMES IN A ROW? Again, I do not know what the fight was about, but I do know that these glorious statements were made and I present them to you in the first ever GRTFL Top 10. The Top 10 Glorious Quotes From the Super-Complicated Dinner Fight That I Am Too Dumb to Understand, Listed Chronologically:
1. Brandi: “Adrienne kept calling me and saying that we have to go, meet me at the Polo Lounge, we are going after Lisa, I am not comfortable with that, it's not a shoe it’s a person.” (It's. Not. A. Shoe. It's. A. Person.)
2. Camille: “Adrienne was upset about the Maloof hoof, she didn’t want the hoof associated and connected to her brand.” (What is happening? Seriously, what is happening?)
3) Camille: “I can handle you, but I will not stand for it.”
Lisa: “Don’t go — why are you going?”
Camille: “I CAN HANDLE IT, BUT I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.” (Is this a saying? It feels like a self-help book, Oprah kind of thing? Is this really a thing?)
4. Brandi: “Adrienne only owns 3 percent of the Palms.” (This could only have been more out of context if she ordered it as an hors d’oeuvre.)
5. Kyle: “You said before you didn’t have your nose done and you did."
Brandi: “No I didn’t.”
Kyle: “Yes you did.”
Brandi: “No I didn’t.”
(Yes you did.)
6. Camille: “Can we talk about who owns your restaurants?”
Lisa: “I own my restaurants.”
Camille: “You don’t own Sur.”
Lisa: “I invested in that restaurant.”
7. Camille: “You don’t own the whole thing.”
Lisa: “I own 51 percent of it.”
(Camille has the business acumen of someone who was an MTV Club dancer from 1988 to 1992.)
8. Yolanda: “We keep going over and over the same story, we have wasted three dinners screaming about this.” (Preach, Cleanse Queen, PREACH!)
9. Yolanda: “Shhhhhhhhh.” (I just included that because I am starting to really love Yolanda)
10. Yolanda: “David sent a private jet to bring me home early. My time is precious. I don’t know why I fly all the way to Vegas to listen to women scream at each other.” [Swoon.]
Catherine (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 5 points: Catherine kissed Sean (5 points) and told the story of when she and her childhood bestie were walking through the woods and a tree fell and killed her friend on impact. Must. Not. Make. Joke.
Shain and Cara (Buckwild, Jacoby and House), 5 points: Shain has been chasing Cara all summer but Cara hasn’t been giving him any time because, well, he is, um, ah, I love the guy but he, um, let’s just get to the good part.
Being that the summer is coming to a close, Shain launched a pretty West Virginian plan to win her over: “I am going to take all these pipes here, and I am going to screw them together, and I am going to hook them up to this propane tank (WHAT?), and then light it with the flare (WHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?) and it is going to be a big-ass C + S (WHHHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTT?!??!??!?!?!!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?)” When it worked, it was so damn perfect and romantic and camera-ready you could tell it was clearly 100 percent set up by the producers. Not unlike every line from Shain’s interviews.
Lesley (The Bachelor, House), 5 points: OK, imagine you're Sean, all the girls take off their robes, run to the freezing-cold Canadian lake water in bikinis, jump in, jump out, and then quickly bundle themselves up. Aren’t you going to use that four seconds of bikini exposure to sneak-evaluate which one looks the best in a bikini? Well, I know that is what I would do, because that is what I did. Guess what? Lesley won. I think Sean did the same, because he gave her a kiss (5 points). I can’t wait for Lesley’s Bachelorette season.
Selma (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 5 points: In the least-surprising surprise of the season, Selma kissed Sean (5 points) even though it would “shame her family.” She was immediately sent home. Keep an eye out and see if she shows up at the reunion in a super-trashy “my parents disowned me” outfit. I hope it breaks that way and she makes up for lost time on Bachelor Pad like what’s-her-face did last year. When does Bachelor Pad start again?
That’s all for this week. Graciously, only two hours of Bachelor next week, no Buckwild, and the return of Survivor. Thank the reality-TV gods.