The Bachelor broke my Grandma. You see, my Grandmother-in-law is staying with us this winter, she joined me for the Monday night viewing, and she hasn’t been the same since. When I saw her at breakfast Tuesday morning we had the following exchange:
Me: “How did you sleep last night?”
Grandma:“I couldn’t sleep.”
Grandma: “Because of that thing you showed me last night." [Gestures toward the TV.]
Me: “What do you mean?”
Grandma: “All I could think of was all those girls crying and carrying on about that man.”
Grandma is old school. She was raised in the mountains of Jamaica where they didn’t have The Bachelor, or ABC, or TV — they had farm animals and stuff. It was a delightful experience watching this program with her. She had no idea what was going on, but with her wisdom and general Grandma mojo she dissected the whole dynamic with ease and had more acute and accurate reads on the show than I did. It may have something to do with the fact that she showed up to my house with a big ol’ bottle of HGH. Who knows? Anyway, for each of The Bachelor scoring breakdowns I am adding Grandma’s take as well as mine. She would make a much better GRTFL recap writer than I am. Grandma is the best.
Oh yeah, one more thing, we are adding Survivor next week. Didn’t get a chance to have a draft, write up rules, and take notes and stuff because of the upcoming NBA All-Star game. If you want a full recap, Tess Lynch bodied this week’s write up. If you want a short recap: Phillip is crazy, Cochran is adorably sunburned, and Brandon Hantz has a ton of new terrible tattoos. I can’t even begin to explain how bad these tattoos are. How one man can accrue this many bad tattoos in a calendar year is beyond me. I feel like he lost a bet or something. Anyway, let’s get to Grandma’s Bachelor breakdown; it's just too good.
AshLee (The Bachelor, Simmons), 45 points:
Grandma’s take on AshLee: “She is never going to get him, you know? She is not going to get him. She is giving herself to him too freely.”
Jacoby’s take on AshLee: Even Grandma can spidey-sense the sneaky-creepy in AshLee. She is sneaky-creepy and that is all there is to it. This week is when the girls pull out all the stops in order to be one of the final four that gets a hometown date. AshLee even went with the ol’ “I love you” (20 points) in between makeouts (15 points) and cries (10 points), but I think that it was a calculated confession that she felt she needed to cut the sting of this revelation:
I wish this was like [Exhales.] as easy as I want it to be, but, um, there is one more thing, um, so I really just want to like breeze through this and throw it out there and let it be good, I mean you said that you wanted to have fun. So I really want to like say it and just be done with it. So I am sorry for this so, so 15 years ago I was in high school and I was having a hard time with my mom and dad and, um, just going through ... I think like my adoption and I was having a really hard time in life and, um, I had a boyfriend at the time and, um, things were really difficult with my mom and I and, um, I got married when I was 17.
Now this is the perfect jumping off point for the GRTFL Questionable Moment of The Week. This week’s string of questions starts with a bunch from GRTFL Super Scorer Caitlin Mangum (@caitlinmangum):
Caitlin’s questions: Was it even legal for them to get married? Did they move out of their parents' houses? How long were they married? Did her parents still have to sign her permission slips for school trips even though she was married?
Jacoby’s questions: How did he propose? Where were his parents? Are there photos of this wedding? What did her having difficulty with her mom have anything to do with her getting married? Did she run away? Did she finish high school? Was she the bride and the flower girl? Did her pastor dad give her away? Did anyone object? Did she have a drug problem? Do people get married at 17 without having a drug problem? Was she pregnant? Did she wear a ring? Did she have a marriage license before a driver’s license? What priest/judge would marry them? Where is this guy now? Why isn’t Sean asking any follow-up questions? How is this not a big deal to Sean?
You know who else this wasn’t a big deal to? Grandma. She broke it down, “Did she have a baby? Just married and divorced? That’s not a big deal.” Then she added, “she is not a virgin, you know?” Weirdly, Sean is though.
Grandma may not think this is a big deal, but Super Scorer Caitlin did and Google-tracked the guy down. According to super reliable sources (read: some random site) the guy’s name is Andrew Barbarow and may or may not work for Academic Pest control in Houston. As I was writing this I said to myself, hey man, you’re in Houston, why not give these folks a call? So I called, confirmed that Andrew Barbarow works there and was told that I could not speak to him. Even more embarrassing than asking, “Was he once married to a woman named AshLee that is now on The Bachelor?” was being super nervous while asking, “Was he once married to a woman named AshLee that is now on The Bachelor?” How did this become my job?
Tierra (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 40 points:
Grandma’s take on Tierra: “I really don’t care for her very much. They are all nice but, you know, women have ways of trying to undermine other women because they all want the man for themselves.”
Jacoby’s take on Tierra: Thank god this chick is finally gone. However ... Has there ever been more of a shoo-in for Bachelor Pad? She is the Nerlens Noel of The Bachelor franchise. Not only did she get bounced this week; she went down in a blaze of evil.
It all started one morning when AshLee said hello to Tierra and Tierra ignored her. YOU DO NOT IGNORE ASHLEE IN THE MORNING! Somehow that one salutation snub reverberated through this entire two-hour episode. When AshLee was given a one-on-one date with Sean The Boring Bachelor, Tierra sang, “The cougar's back in town, the cougar's back in towowowownnnnnnn.” And announced, “Ashlee is 32 years old. When I am 32 I want to be married with kids and have my family set. Why hasn’t she found somebody she can settle down with, like, she’s 32 years old?” Shots (5 points). I am sure that at that moment all the single people in their 30s watching the broadcast wanted nothing more than to see her emotionally destroyed. They would get their wish.
On AshLee’s one-on-one date with Sean, she couldn’t help but tell Sean that she felt a certain way about Tierra. Again, YOU DO NOT NOT SAY GOOD MORNING TO ASHLEE! So when Tierra’s one-on-one date came around, she couldn’t help but notice that Sean was acting a bit distant with her. She tried every trick in the book to close the gap: She made out with him a bunch (5 points) and even dropped the old “I love you” (20 points). Nothing worked. She was so distraught that when she returned she picked a fight with AshLee claiming that AshLee sabotaged her (which she totally did). The fight itself was boring, but at the end Tierra displayed some panache with her finishing move. As the argument was wrapping up, Tierra declared, “And this conversation is over” and did a hand-to-the-face-slash-snapping-turtle gesture that I will now end all my human interactions with forever.
Tierra then did that thing where you act all tough in an argument and then go cry. Only problem was that during her cry sesh (10 points), Sean approached. Sean, finally seeing an opportunity to rid himself of this delusionatic, dropped the hammer:
I know how emotionally taxing it is for you and I know how hard every day is. I know that it is struggle every day. I'm crazy about you and I have been since the very first night. Because I care so much about you I just think it might be best if you go home now.”
Sean puts so much peanut butter around the breakup pill that you can always see it coming. I can’t decide if I am more excited to see Tierra leave this show or her return on Bachelor Pad. If she isn’t on Bachelor Pad, television is broken as a medium.
Catherine (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 10 points:
Jacoby’s take on Catherine: Last week, Catherine disclosed that when she was 12 a tree fell on her friend and killed her. I could not make jokes about that. This week, after a make out (5 points), it was almost like she was tempting me to cross the line again with her latest revelation:
So if I get a hometown date, I talk about my mom a lot and I talk about my sisters and I talk about my cousins and my big family, um, but my dad is probably not going to be there. He lives in China. He was battling depression for a very very long time, he was one of like six or seven children between, like, 20 years difference and all this, there was like four dads in total, three of them abused him and when I was 14, um, my dad had like a suicide attempt in front of my sisters and I and he was immediately taken away so he is still part of my life, I still contact him, he won’t be there.
This. Is. So. Sad. It was impossible not to feel for her. Not just because of the Dad thing, but also because she is the obvious “I am going to your home to meet your family but there is no chance I am choosing you” girl. While she was telling Sean all about her father’s troubled past, I could see it affected Grandma. The following is EXACTLY what I wrote in my notes after she revealed her father’s struggle:
Grandma’s take on Catherine: (Grandma shakes her head. The Bach is starting to get to her)...just as I typed that...”Too much baggage.”
The weirdest moment of the week was after Lesley did not receive a rose and Catherine offered this teary sound-bite:
I honestly can't explain how I am feeling right now. If he doesn’t want Lesley, I don’t know why I am here. She has more in common with him than I do. I swear, I don’t want to say that but that is truly what I believe. So this is extremely tough for me. My beliefs are shattered about what he wants.
WHAT? Let me get this straight: You are upset because Lesley was better for Sean than you are and now your “beliefs are shattered?” What. Are. You. Talking. About. I had always pegged Catherine as the normal one. That sound-bite proved there is no normal one.
Lesley (The Bachelor, House), 10 points:
Grandma’s take on Lesley: (I ask her who she would pick during Lesley’s date ...) “I can't tell you that. I know anyone that would give themselves to him, I won’t pick.”
Jacoby’s take on Lesley: I think Lesley was a little too smart for this show. She sees the absurdity. And when you see the absurdity, the whole thing doesn’t work. Self-awareness does not play well on this program. After a make out on her date (5 points), Lesley offered the most self-aware quote in the history of the franchise:
You know, I watched this show for years and see all these girls say so easy, um, 'I love you' and I thought they were such fools. And now I am here going thorough this process myself and I don’t think they are such fools anymore. I am now one of those girls totally falling in love with Sean, yes, I am very confident I can say that.
She was less eloquent when she was shown the door, explaining through tears, “Rejection hurts, heartbreak hurts, it doesn’t feel good, it just doesn’t, you know? Rejection doesn’t feel good. It sucks. It does."
You’re right Lesley, rejection doesn’t feel good. But you know what does feel good? Watching Tierra get rejected. We will always have that.
Lindsay (The Bachelor, Kang), 5 points: What are you still doing on this show? How are you still making out with Sean (5 points) when the first night you wore a wedding dress, got slammered, and forced him to kiss you? Lindsay is the next to go. This is basically a two-horse race between Des and AshLee, who are we kidding?
Des (The Bachelor, Connor), 5 points:
Grandma’s take on Des: “There is one girl, and she has too much problems in her family. I know she is gone. And this one that keeps chatting and chatting. Those ones are going to go. But he is going to keep two. That girl that he is always with (Des), is he going to keep her? He kissed most of them. He is going to keep her (Des).”
Jacoby’s take on Des: This episode Des cried for no reason (5 points), but who cares? It is all about the next episode. On the “next time on,” Des’s brother confronts Sean about what a bullshit, contrived way the show is to meet a spouse. Sean takes offense and the confrontation boils over into one of those, “I’m right here!” fake fights. I am more excited about the next episode of The Bachelor than the NBA Finals. I can’t wait to see what Grandma says about the hometown visits. She might not sleep for a week. I have Des as a front runner to be Sean The Boring Bachelor’s fiancée. I am not alone.
Taylor (Housewives, House) 5 points: When she arrived at Lisa’s tea alcohol party, Taylor offered her a gift; it was a dildo (5 points). It makes sense that she would give Lisa a sex toy because Lisa is constantly talking about how she never has sex with her husband Ken. My wife has a theory that Lisa is actually double dicing us and they have sex all the time. I support it. Any couple that designs adjoining showers for their dream house is having sex all the time. I mean, they designed a sex spot in the floor plan. We’re onto you Lisa.
Adrienne and Brandi (Housewives, Kang and Simmons), 5 points: At Lisa’s tea party, Adrienne and Brandi predictably got into a fight (5 points), but the most interesting thing was Kim’s excuse for not coming. Leading up to the party, when Lisa received a phone call she went straight to her toilet phone (yes, she has a toilet phone), and listened to Kim slur her way through the greatest excuse not to do anything of all time:
Kim: “Lisa, it’s Kim, I want to apologize for not coming, I was on my way to your house and I got hit in the face. So I, um, I probably shouldn’t have been out anyway”
Lisa: “What do you mean you got hit in the face? By who?
Kim: “My dog, I have a new puppy and he is kind of big and he hit me in the face. And, so, you know? OK.
Lisa: “Is your nose OK?
Kim: “Yeah it hit me right up the bottom of my nose.”
To summarize, Kim could not come to Lisa’s party because her dog punched her in the nose. Kim Richards for president.
Kyle (Housewives, Jacoby), 5 points: Kim scored 5 points for crying but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that my girl Yolanda won the award for most Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-y thing said this week:
You know, I wish I had more money to put into her sports, you know? You know, most kids here have two or three horses; I could only afford one for her.
Poor thing, only can buy her daughter one horse. How does she make it through the day?
Check back next week for the inclusion of Survivor and the hometown date episode of The Bachelor. Grandma and I might watch it three times in a row. I can’t wait.