An Obama-inspired fantasy trilogy called Queen of the Tearling has landed a seven-figure deal. Quick! You dictate, I'll type! Jimmy Carter and the werewolves! There's a magic crystal buried somewhere in Mount St. Helens! Throw some virgins in! We gotta move on this!!

• Justin Timberlake is kidnapping your television for the month of March, with a weeklong takeover of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon and a double-duty hosting gig on SNL on the 9th.
• What's creepier about this Rihanna–Chris Brown–inspired Law & Order: SVU? The shot of a beaten-up face or that Perez Hilton is guesting?
• I am reading about the black dead-body water at this hotel while "Hotel California" plays in my head. I think I'm going to buy an RV.
• Irrefutable proof that stress balls just don't do the trick.
• A history of Keyboard Cat and a nose with a mind of its own.
• The Nielsen Co. is such a grandpa. "They're watching the pictures on their iPads! I think that's going to be a thing!"
• I only wanted to see you laughing in the plasma rain.
• This is the mug shot face you make when you assault your boyfriend with a Furby.
• Josh Brolin and Diane Lane are divorcing.
• You know what, this could be the beginning of a great collaboration with River Island.
• In case you missed it: I Killed My Lesbian Wife, �ung �er on a �eathook & �ow I Have a Three-Picture Deal with Disney (Ben Affleck's first film); Oscars supercut; a baby sloth giving a girl a flower.