That putrid, dubious carrot of an awards show is coming. Did you hear? Did you know? Are you prepared? Have you studied so you don't suffer a heart attack when you see Jack Nicholson present? Or are you a hater? Don't be a hater. We'll have so much talking to do about the Oscars on Monday here at Grantland. You don't want to feel left out of all this incredibly important talking.

• Afghanistan's bootleg copy of Arrested Development, with androids and Flintstones.
• Ashton Kutcher's May-December reality show, after three years of hobbling down the hallways of development with a cane, is (finally? I don't mean that) coming to TV Land.
• Dawson to play a "sarcastic and cynical" OB-GYN. Everything you want in your down-low doctor.
• This is my favorite Pope rumor so far.
• No job, no children, no more. Here is Wiz Khalifa and his baby, "The Bash."
• More babies: Pauly Shore interviewing tiny Bruno Mars.
• Google doodles a happy birthday to Edward Gorey.
• This Banksy rumor was just a pranksy.
• Do you care about the sequester? How about now?
• The only person who was disappointed when Pan Am was canceled.
• Was Hitler Ill? and other weird book titles vying for your vote.
• Those who can't curl, teach.
• Aaaaand it's the weekend. Swish.