Diddy, Kate Upton is your girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure Kate Upton likes you, Diddy.
Wait, I thought she was dating Justin Verlander? Also: What happened to Cassie, Diddy?
I couldn't agree more.
Today, according to eyewitnesses, the Internet, and the lips of Combs and Upton allegedly becoming publicly acquainted with one another, two of the most GIFable humans in history are now, apparently, an item.
I think that's just fantas—
— Kate Upton (@KateUpton) April 10, 2013
Wait, what? The people inside the Internet said that you two make out everywhere. Diddy, please clear this up.
Attention all Media. I don't even know Kate Upton personally! I'm not dating her ! What's being reported is not true. END of story!
— iamdiddy (@iamdiddy) April 10, 2013
Well then. This is just horrible.
Yes, I had appropriately high hopes that they were an item, but Diddy raised an even more troublesome point.
They don't even know each other.
How are they supposed to date and then fall in love with each other and then make out in clubs if they've never met? They are perfect for each other. I genuinely can't think of two humans more compatible.
Just imagine the first date. Seventeen straight hours of this:
After staring for a few hours, I can't even tell which one is Kate and which one is Diddy. They complete each other that much.
Also, if you've been tracking Diddy's career for the past two decades, you know there's one thing that has never faltered: his ability to stay relevant. Diddy's been relevant as long as Kate's been an Upton.
Whether it was as a record label owner, sidekick, rapper, boyfriend, defendant, name changer, reality TV star, mocked reality TV star, actor, restaurateur, party thrower, fashionista, marathon runner, vodka drinker, or skin-care treatment spokesman, he's found a way to be the most talented no-talent-having relevant figure, perhaps ever.
Slowly creeping up on him on the "most talented no-talent-having relevant figure" list:
Future Kate Combs.
After a quick scan of the human race, there's really no one else left for Diddy to date other than Kate. As for Upton, she needs someone who is comfortable with men ogling over her entire existence. You know, someone who has been through that before.
Kate is lovely and desired and famous, but 2000 Jennifer Lopez makes 2013 Kate Upton look like 2013 Jennifer Lopez.
Yeah, that exists.
Kate shouldn't be intimidated that Diddy's already been to the mountaintop. She should welcome it with open arms. Because Sean is her soul mate.
But first, they have to meet.
America needs Upiddy. You know who else needs it? Kate Upton and P. Diddy.
One can only hope this meeting, and then union, takes place by
May June 10, also known as Kate Upton's 21st birthday, also known as the day "Raspberry Upton" becomes a new flavor of Cîroc.
(All GIFs courtesy of the Internet, because Diddy and Kate Upton GIFs are part of the public domain, much like the King James Bible and the formula for Newtonian physics.)