I always know it has been a great week in reality TV when I get a little nervy as I sit down to write this column. I just want to do the week justice. I just want to provide the people who worked on and watched these brilliant television programs with a column worthy of what transpired. I mean, there was a complete psychological meltdown, a kleptomaniac ghost, a legendary tribal council, and the most mystifying sexual encounter ever filmed in the history of the Real World.
Nia (Real World, House), 25 points: After weeks of lurking in the promos, Hurricane Nia finally made landfall in the Real World house. There was definitely a calm before the storm. The Nia that was unpacking her seldom-employed clothing wasn’t the same Nia I remembered from all the trailers. Where’s the Foreman puncher? Where’s the twerker? Where’s the “Hurricane”? This woman I was seeing was, well, normal. Little did I know she was just Chris Paul–ing us. Like the Clippers guard, she was just controlling the tempo, conserving energy, involving her team, and managing the episode until the fourth quarter. Nia finishes strong. Just as the episode was winding down, the kids back from the bar, the munchies being munched, and the wave getting chill she struck.
It started off all casual, Nia going in on some Ruffles while inquiring about her roommates. You know, Real World stuff:
Hurricane Nia was mid-Ruffle crunch when she turned to Jordan and blurted, “When was the last time you got, like, mind-blowing, crazy head?” Jordan, only slightly taken aback, paused for a second and countered with, “Two weeks before I came out here.” The exchange that followed, that you are about to read, really happened on this unscripted television show. It’s vulgar, confusing, and just read:
Nia: “Do you feel deprived?”
Jordan: “No, not at all. ’Cause I can bring home a girl every night if I wanted to.”
Nia: “What if I offered to suck your [bleep] and relieve all your stress?”
Jordan: “No, because I would have to deal with it while I live here.”
Nia [upset]: “I am trying to help you. Let me suck your [bleep].”
Johnny: “Why the [bleep] not?”
Nia: “’Cause he's scared.”
Jordan [to Marlon and Johnny]: “This is not about you.”
Marlon: “I am not in this. I didn’t get the [bleep] suckin’ offer, I am not in it.”
Nia: “In this present moment, I want to suck the skin off your [bleep], can I do it or not?”
Jordan: “Can you leave it at just that?”
Jordan: “All right, let's go.”
Now, I told you it was going to be vulgar and confusing, right? The weird part was that the two of them didn’t have a flirty thing going on prior to this encounter. But the weirdest was yet to come. As a matter of fact, there are so many mysterious elements it's going to have to be this week’s GRTFL Top Five. This week’s GRTFL Top Five is The Top Five Most Baffling Things About the Super Baffling Jordan–Hurricane Nia Sexual Encounter, listed from “I’ve done that before, no big deal” to “Are we sure she is human?":
5. “No, you guys, what are you guys doing? I want an audience!”
So, once the challenge/proposal/bluff was accepted, Jordan stripped down to his skivvies, shuffled her into a bedroom, and started to sloppy slob all over Nia’s face (5 + 20 = 25 points). Something wasn’t right, however. Nia wasn’t bothered by the fact that he was wearing turquoise manties, or the fact that he was eating her face. She was bothered by the fact that there weren’t enough people watching. She insisted that she was only going to mouth-flay Jordan if the whole house, and the cameras, were present. She was like that teacher who stops talking if she doesn't have the class's full attention.
4. Johnny the Cock-blocking Consigliere:
After Hurricane Nia decided the audience was not appreciative enough to be worthy of her performance, she sneaked away from Jordan. As The Hurricane leaves the room, Jordan announces, “Oh, come on, don’t act like a hardass and then quit now!” She then went to consult with her new roommates about how to proceed:
Nia: “I feel bad. Should I stop? Should I stop?”
Johnny: “Yeah. You should just break it down now.”
Dear Johnny: Wrong answer. I don’t believe in “guy code.” That said, I do believe in “If a gorgeous woman asks you if she should fellate your friend, you shouldn’t say no” code.
3. Nia’s Wardrobe:
While she was unpacking, I swear Hurricane Nia had pants and shirts. I swear she did. Her outfits on the program thus far suggest otherwise. Homegirl STAYS in a bra and boy shorts:
In her defense, there is a ghost that follows her and steals her clothing. More on that later.
2. Why get all Hannibal Lecter with it?
Dear Hurricane Nia: You are an attractive lady. You will find that your aggressive advances will be well received. But the next time you're talking about what you are going to do with someone’s man bits, you should probably leave out the cannibalism part. I’m just saying it's an adjustment worth considering.
While in the bed with Jordan and assessing her lack of an audience, Hurricane gestures to the balcony where the roommates are and announces, “I want to do it out there. Let's do it out there.” Justin then counters with, “Look, they can see right through the window right there.” Then Nia yells out the window, “You guys need to come over here. That is not fair to me. That is not fair to me.”
What isn’t fair? I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHERE THE INJUSTICE IS HERE, NIA! I wish I could get inside her mind and break down her motivation. Oh wait, I can totally do that, but let’s get through the rest of the action first. Yes, there is more action.
While Nia is out on the balcony consulting Johnny and Averey, she reengages with the still turquoise-mantied Jordan with the following:
Nia: “What do you want? What do you want? If I have to [bleep] you on the pool table or . ”
Jordan: “Pool table? LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Hurricane then tosses Jordan on the pool table and makes out with him in this hot dominatrixy manner and then assesses the situation:
She starts down toward her knees and then there is a fade to black. There is no mention of the event in the “next time on,” leaving everyone to wonder what happens next. I have discussed this with many a Real World expert (OK, two of them) and have received very different answers. Really, the only way to hypothesize as to what happens next is to understand why she is doing this in the first place. What is motivating this behavior? Why is this woman randomly offering cannibal fellatio on national television?
Well, I may just have to break out a second GRTFL Top Five on that very topic. The second GRTFL Top Five of this week is the Top Five Motivations for Nia’s Offer of Cannibal Fellatio, listed from “I could see that as a possibility” to “That makes perfect sense, did they send you a screener of the next episode?”
5. She’s Bluffing:
This whole thing could be a bluff. She already stated she wants to “make Jordan uncomfortable” and “challenge” him — maybe this is her way of doing so. Watching this I did feel a bit like I do while watching two bros go chest-to-chest outside of a bar. They both want it to seem like there is nothing they'd rather do than throw a punch, but on the inside that's the last thing they want to do. This had that kind feel to it — and just like when two bros go chest-to-chest outside of a bar, this had the potential to ruin everyone’s lives forever.
4. She Wanted to Distance Herself From Marlon:
Hurricane had spent the night out dancing, snuggling, and hand-holding with Marlon. Looking at her actions and realizing that she may soon find herself without the freedom she expected in the Real World house, her advances toward Jordan were really a retreat away from her original target.
3. Deep-Seated Sexual Issues:
This one kind of explains itself.
2. Wants to Be the Baddest Lady in the History of Reality TV:
If someone asked me, “What can I do on the Real World to ensure that I become legendary and receive an annual invite to The Challenge?" I would probably respond with, “Never wear pants (check), punch a bunch of people (check), and offer up cannibal fellatio on the first night (aaaaand check).”
1. She Actually Is the Baddest Lady in the History of Reality TV:
Sorry, “Deep-Seated Sexual Issues,” this clubhouse has a new leader.
So, what do you think happens in the first scene of the next episode? I'm guessing the answer is “nothing,” but rooting for the answer to be “first nationally televised act of cannibal fellatio.” Tune in Wednesday at 10.
Malcolm (Survivor, Simmons), 15 points: As if cannibal fellatio wasn’t enough to carry the week, it was followed by the most captivating tribal council in recent memory. To really capture what went down, we will follow the event through the unsung hero of this tribal council, the lone jury member and fantastic double arm waver, Michael:
You see, Michael has been in the dark about what has been going on around camp. He knows there there is a strong “Stealth‘R’Us” alliance of seven looking to pick off the three broiest of the remaining bros, Malcolm, Eddie, and Reynold. When Michael surveys the scene and sees Reynold with the immunity necklace, he can only assume that either Malcolm or Eddie would be picked off next. Michael has a fresh shave and settles in for what should be a pretty uneventful tribal — he probably just wants it to be over so he has someone to play with at Ponderosa. The person who would be joining him would not be who he expected. Malcolm had been finding, stealing, and hoarding immunity idols for the past few episodes and saw an opportunity. When Jeff asked him about the tribe vibe, he had this to say:
Myself, Eddie, and Reynold, we’re on the outs, we're kind of, like — like we have the plague or something. But this is supposed to be a game, so we figured we would do something about it. And tonight we are going to try to. [Breaks out the immunity idol everyone knows he has.] This is the other immunity idol I have been hanging on to and I am going to give it Eddie. [Gives a second immunity idol to Eddie, rendering the bro alliance bulletproof.] Yeah, I had that one for a while. I just found the other one today. (10 points)
Realizing that the bros may be safe, the Stealth‘R’Us weirdos all start panicking and whispering plan B's to each other. Then, Erik The Super Stony Ice Cream Scooper drops another truth nugget on his squad:
Erik: “Can I say something?”
Erik: “All three of them are like, 'We’re the three amigos, these are our idols, we’re going to play ’em.' But there is some bonus in keeping one idol, what if one person decides not to play it?”
Michael’s mind is blown, he starts finger-counting votes:
While Stealth‘R’Us is scrambling, Eddie and Reynold are cheesing, and Michael is finger-counting, Malcolm drops the hammer on Lord of Stealth‘R’Us Phillip (5 points):
I'm just throwing it out there: The three of us are voting for Phillip. I don’t have to list the reasons why. Everyone knows in their heads. This is supposed to be a game and it is supposed to be fun. But it’s not fun anymore. I came out here to have the time of my life. Phillip is the fun sponge, he sucks it all out of the group. This is still a game but it doesn’t have to be this like militaristic thing where we are all like in basic training.
Full disclosure, I am not a journalist. I do not pretend to offer an objective perspective on the proceedings. I mention this because I am 100 percent with Malcolm on this one. Phillip is the Fun Sponge. The dude called a meeting at the start of the episode. The dude gave everyone a silly nickname. The dude instructed people not to talk to the three bros. IF THAT ISN’T A FUN SPONGE, THEN WHAT IS A FUN SPONGE? Mercifully, Malcolm’s plan worked and the Fun Sponge was shown the door. Fun will now flow freely on the proverbial countertops for the rest of the Survivor season. I look forward to the Fun Sponge Slayers' next move.
Jordan (Real World, Jacoby), 10 points: Jordan, what is the deal with your manties? I could barely focus on how insane the cannibal fellatio proposal (5 + 5 = 10 points) was because I was distracted by how insane Jordan’s manties were. I mean, look at these things:
This has to be the GRTFL Questionable Moment of the Week:
If you are going on a reality show, why would you even pack these things? Did he change into these in preparation for the cannibal fellatio? Of all the colors that these came in, how did he settle on that blue? Why are they so short? He said he was going to get some “board shorts” — are these board shorts? Are board shorts something you should be changing into before cannibal fellatio? Are board shorts lingerie for wakeboarders? Are those as uncomfortable as they look? Who put the mic pack on those things? Why is he still wearing a mic pack? Did he have to take his mic off, get into these silly shorts, and then put the mic pack on those? Did someone help him with this? Do women find this look attractive? Am I just old and this is what the kids are wearing nowadays?
Also, I think the above photo is the only proof Nia owns a shirt.
Dawn (Survivor, House), 5 points: Dawn lost her damn mind on Survivor this week and I was all ready to make fun of her for it, but here's the thing: I WOULD LOSE MY MIND ON SURVIVOR TOO! I have no idea why at least 50 percent of the cast doesn’t have a nervous breakdown every season. Imagine that you live on a remote island, you are part of some “alliance” called “Stealth‘R’Us,” you are given a new name, every other day you have to win some silly challenge or risk being voted out by your peers, you sleep on bamboo, you haven’t showered in a month, and, oh yeah, you’re being filmed the whole time. YOU ARE GOING TO END UP LOOKING LIKE THIS (5 points):
When Brenda hears a distressed voice coming from the jungle, she tracks it and finds Dawn losing her shit at a dock on a pond. Between heavy sobs Dawn explains her condition: “I got hit in the mouth a while ago [sob] and I lost my bottom teeth [sob] and I have a retainer that has the teeth on them and [sob] I took a gulp of water and they came out [heavy sob] and I know I have to have them and I need a mask and [heavier sob] I can't do it I need heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp [heaviest sob/fall into Brenda’s arms].”
Because she is the greatest human ever to grace our planet, Brenda jumped in and found the retainer:
Just Brenda doing Brenda things.
Jessica (Real World, Kang), 5 points: Jessica got into a fight with Jordan (5 points), but who cares, because I have an unprecedented third GRTFL Top Five about Hurricane Nia. This third and final GRTFL Top Five is the Top Five Quotes From Hurricane Nia That Didn’t Involve Cannibal Fellatio listed from “No Big Deal” to “Should We Preemptively Sequester Her in Case She Is Contagious?”:
5. "Boyfriend is a weird term for me. I had, like, three." (In your life or at once?)
4. “I'm not bothered by Averey and Johnny sleeping in the same bed. I'll probably end up watching." (Voyeurism seems to be a reoccurring theme for the Hurricane.)
3. "I haven't talked to [my parents]. They're kind of pissing me off. They don't really like that I'm here. Not even that they just don't trust me." (I am sure you are pissing them off, too, Hurricane.)
2. From her bio: “6 feet tall and athletic, she doubts she will ever succeed as a model because she can't give up her addiction to fast food. So maybe the book she's currently writing — a guide on how to find, date and keep professional athletes — will be her meal ticket to success.” (Can I preorder the tattoo of the cover of this book I am getting on my face?)
1. “No, it’s like it is a clothes ghost. She steals my clothes, usually it is like underwear, I know it sounds freaky, but for real I know I sound crazy, the ghost is definitely here. She follows me everywhere”
OK. Promiscuous, voyeur, haunted, how-to-date-an-athlete self-help book author I can’t wait to see her on The Challenge.
Phillip (Survivor, Jacoby), 5 points: The Fun Sponge got five points this week for his parting shots at the Fun Sponge Slayer and wore a pair of wack sneakers:
I will not miss the Fun Sponge.
Next week we see if Malcolm can recruit some of the more expendable Stealth‘R’Us members to form a majority and we find out if Hurricane Nia well you know. Until then.