Early reports indicate that Hell Baby, a fall comedy-horror release written and directed by Reno 911! alumni Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant, might not be the next Rosemary’s Baby. Variety briefly slammed it, calling it “tedious and tasteless in equal measure,” but the New York Post predicted that it’ll achieve cult status à la Super Troopers, and with a cast that includes Rob Corddry, Leslie Bibb, and Keegan Michael Key, how bad can it really be?* The first trailer has been released, and the scariest elements of it aren’t the demons or the mortgage on a murder house. That’s been-there, done-that material; the market is booming again and I’m sure Bibb and Corddry’s characters will make a killing when they resell in a year. That is, if they can survive the real domestic nightmares that await them. Such as:
1. Neighbors Who Come in Through the Window
I don’t care if they’re visiting to tell you that you live in a house of blood or to perform inception on Clarissa Darling, every time unexpected visitors show up it’s bad news: Ava’s weird proclivity for dropping by was the earliest sign that Up All Night was damaged goods, Vinnie Delpino was always blowing up Doogie’s spot, and Ned Flanders’s relentless neighborliness always struck me as a good reason for the Simpsons to relocate to Winterfield. A haunted house may not bring you a casserole, but it probably won’t call the cops when you have a wild rager. Run away.
2. A Neighborhood Dog That Makes You Feel Sexy
You’re passionately jumping into bed before you can curb the thing. Fines mount. Flies come. Inedible tomatoes grow among a putrid funk. Chaos reigns.
3. Overgrown Vines All Over Your Ionic Columns
Studies show that 89 percent of divorces stem from arguments related to landscaping around Ionic columns. God created the Doric and Corinthian orders, but Satan’s architecture spells doom.
4. Drinking Paint Thinner While Pregnant
It’s great for the fetus, but the heartburn is really brutal.
5. Dive-Bombing Birds Tattooed With Pentagrams
They’re nesting in your dem(I)onic columns, plotting to abduct your offspring and raise them as gargoyles. Which is fine, until they’re teenagers and start dropping Smirnoff Ices on your head when they fly back home from the avian kick-backs at Robbie the parrot’s place.
7. Renting a Car
Nobody buys insurance in horror movies. This is why they’re horror movies. You just know the priests got stuck with a mid-aughts Saturn Ion that smelled like cat piss and they broke the ashtray.
8. Giving Birth in a Room With Dirty Venetian Blinds and a Big Audience
No epidural. No wallpaper. Paint thinner hangover. Bad window treatments. A dog boyfriend who can’t drive you to the hospital. Priests with scary facial hair yelling at you. An infant with a dragon tail who’s going to have the worst case of diaper rash and will probably vomit fire at you when you breastfeed. This is what happens when the devil shits on your birth plan.