MTV has been running promos for its fall slate of reality fare, and it doesn’t look too promising. Big Tips Texas is basically Buckwild in a bar, Teen Mom 3 is the latest iteration of a show so depressing and wrong that even I won't watch it, and Snooki and JWOWW only serves to further the Jersey Shore crew's descent into oblivion.
While none of these programs feel worthy of GRTFL consideration, they will be tracked and broken down on The Right Reasons podcast, because detailed analysis of programming for tween girls is important here at Grantland. But the bleak future for televised idiocy on MTV can’t take the spotlight away from what was a pretty solid episode of The Challenge this week. We had a near-drowning, some solid TJ, and the return of Crazy Camila. Camila had been behaving relatively sanely this season, leading one to think that perhaps years of watching her make a fool of herself on national television had led to her toning down her temperament … and one would be wrong. This week she was glorious and went straight insane.
Camila (Challenge, Yoshida), 10 points: “No one is perfect and I am not perfect and you’re just looking at me, 'Oh, she’s just drunk and crazy.' That’s not the case.”
Oh, Camila, you couldn’t be more wrong. You are perfect. Also, you are drunk and crazy. The best part of Camila’s rampagey violence episode this week was that her craziness was triggered by an accusation that she was crazy. Nothing says “it's wrong to accuse me of being crazy” more than speaking in tongues (5 points), crying (5 points), and trying to kill everyone that you share a house with. It was irrational, it was violent, and it was vintage Camila.
To fully understand the motives of our berserking beauty, I had to watch the segment seven times and break down the events step-by-step. You’re welcome. Warning: I have tried my best to connect the logic here, but my best wasn’t good enough:
Step 1: While at the bar, Frank talks a bunch of shit to Jonna about Jemmye. Jemmye is not within earshot but is still somehow upset with Knight for not defending her.
Step 2: Back at the house, Jemmye confronts Knight about not defending her honor. Or something. Knight couldn’t care less.
Step 3: Camila joins Jemmye in berating Knight because, well … just because I guess.
Step 4: Johnny yells to Knight, “Knight, don’t listen to her. She is out of her [bleeping] mind!” Camila is not happy about this.
Step 5: Johnny does the twirl-the-finger-around-the-ear thing toward Camila, so, naturally, Camila does what anyone who is falsely accused of being crazy does …
Step 6: … she tries to murder and eat Johnny.
Step 7: It takes three women to keep Camila from murdering and eating Johnny.
Step 8: Jemmye calms Camila down and distracts her from trying to murder and eat Johnny.
Step 9: Camila explains, “No one is perfect and I am not perfect and you’re just looking at me, 'Oh, she’s just drunk and crazy.' That’s not the case.”
Camila, where do you think we would get the idea that you are drunk and crazy? From the time when you tried to Hulk-smash a lounge chair on Battle of the Exes? Or the time when you turned into a zombie and went for a swim in the pool? Or the first time you threatened to murder Johnny? This episode saw her berserking so hard that when she finally escaped the grasp of the 17 people holding her down, CT hid from her in fear.
CT HID FROM HER IN FEAR!
Great white sharks have migrated south from New England because they heard CT was going to the beach, but he hides from Camila. I’m so glad she’s back.
Cooke and Cara Maria (Challenge, Litman and Undrafted), 10 points: Super Scorer Caitlin Mangum took on Cooke and Cara Maria this week:
This week's challenge was basically Cirque du Soleil meets a high school lifeguard swim test. Teams had to swing on a trapeze, drop several stories into the water, and then swim to a buoy. Cooke comes ready to play, sporting her best hipster chain mail:
Cara Maria, on the other hand, is not as prepared. Apparently only her Pirates of the Caribbean hair is ready for the life aquatic as she nearly becomes the first person to drown while wearing a life vest.
Cara Maria's less-than-impressive performance earns them a trip straight to the jungle for TJ's favorite elimination challenge, Snapper, where one member of the team calls out directions to her teammate, who is blindfolded and trying to break a stick over her opponent. Cooke and Cara Maria devise a clever strategy of assigning code words to indicate which way their partner should move during the challenge. "North" is forward, "south" is backward, and "west" is … wait for it … left. It basically rivaled the Germans' enigma coding during WWII.
Their strategy somehow works as they shut out Jonna and Nany and win their third Jungle this season (10 points). Cooke and Cara Maria are like the Butler men's basketball team. They're undersize and often overlooked, but somehow they just keep winning. I don't know how they keep doing it, but we can all be thankful that Cara Maria lives to don latex another day.
Johnny (Challenge, Simmons), 5 points: Bananas got berated by the berserker Camila (5 points) and his headgear provided this week’s GRTFL questionable moment of the week:
Why is he wearing a winter hat? How does one person wear a tank top and a winter hat at the same time? Isn’t he hot? When you are going to Thailand in the summer, why do you even pack a winter hat? Isn’t that itchy? Isn’t he hot? How is he not covered in sweat? Why is it so far back on his head? Why do people in Southern California insist on wearing these with T-shirts? Does he know that he looks like he has a reservoir tip on top of his head? I am guessing ‘no.’
Nany (Challenge, Yoshida), 5 points: Nany cried after she lost the weird Jungle elimination to Cooke and Cara Maria (5 points):
In her defense, Cooke and Cara Maria devised that whole “West is left, East is right” code and WHO COULD EVER CRACK THAT CODE? Cooke and Cara Maria have both received offers to work for the NSA to develop encryption to protect Americans' digital information. You can all feel safer now.
Frank (Challenge, Yoshida), -10 points: Frank the Alcopsychoholic lost 10 points when he donned Jonna’s Under Armor tee as a headscarf:
While he lost GRTFL points for his headscarf, he won GRTFL hearts with his verbal evisceration of his roommates. Frank is not the type to hold back; you hit Frank with a spitball, he fires back an atomic bomb. Case in point:
All of these new kids have zero [bleeping] loyalty to anyone but themselves. Nany, Jemmye, [bleeping] Knight? All these people that consider themselves to be like God’s gift to earth are pathetic. Who the [bleep] is a Jemmye besides the ugliest [bleep] to ever be cast on one of these shows? Those people are scum. Go back to the [bleeping] ghetto you crawled out of Jemmye.
Oh no! This has to be the GRTFL Top Five of the week. This week’s GRTFL Top Five is The Top Five Meanest Things Frank Said About Jemmye Listed From “That wasn’t nice” to “I think Frank is an insult robot; anyone with feelings wouldn’t say that about another human:”
5. “All these people that consider themselves to be like God’s gift to earth are pathetic.” Stick with me, it gets better …
4. “All of these new kids have zero [bleeping] loyalty to anyone but themselves.” Frank says this to his best friend in the house, Jonna … before he votes her off the show.
3. “Go back to the [bleeping] ghetto you crawled out of Jemmye.” I can’t tell if this is more disrespectful to Jemmye or ghettos.
2. “… besides the ugliest [bleep] to ever be cast on one of these shows.” Frank. Seriously, man. I would never objectify women on television like that.
1. “Who the [bleep] is a Jemmye?” There is something about turning her name into a noun that really gets me. If someone yelled at me, “Who is a Jacoby?” I would have no comeback. There is a part of me that wants to get into an argument with Frank just to hear what he would say about me. Actually maybe not, I would probably have to kill myself.