There's a new trailer for Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues loose in the world this morning, gracefully pirouetting through our minds like a deep fryer–equipped ’Bago freed from the bonds of gravity by an inattentive chimichanga cook and an improperly deployed cruise control. There are the obligatory nods to the plot, but did we just gulp down that scorpion for plot? Will the knowledge that Harrison Ford is Ron Burgundy's executive nemesis or that Veronica Corningstone has taken his job — the selfsame Corningstone who mounted the carnal unicorn with him and took a bareback gallop across the slippery rainbow bridge to Pleasure Town — put the proverbial fannies in the seats?
It will not.
What will put the fannies in the seats will be the ignorant vampire talk, and Brick Tamland's missing legs, and the stunning contraceptive inefficacy of the Rigid Ghost (Boo! Your womb is haunted), even if Brian Fantana's storied jimmy-cabinet is redolent of old Sex Panther gags. But mostly it will be the crack smoking. Crack smoking at the anchor desk is always a winner. CNN is rethinking its entire operation today. Keep an eye on Wolf Blitzer; things might get a little dicey in the Situation Room later. Grab some fire extinguishers and asbestos blankets, just in case.