Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Grantland's Reality TV Fantasy League: The Complete Rules and Draft Results
By David Jacoby
Comedian Fred Allen once called television "chewing gum for the eyes." If that’s the case, reality TV is chewing tobacco for the eyes: It’s unhealthy, addictive, and sometimes makes you want to puke. But unlike dip, reality shows have an appeal that stretches beyond just dudes who wear overalls for function. Reality TV is popular because it's fun. And it's about to get more fun.
One thing sports have taught us is that almost anything can be improved by creating a scoring system and holding a draft. Try it. Assign point values and draft your coworkers before a meeting. Or family members before Thanksgiving dinner. I once participated in a celebrity DUI draft (Shia LaBeouf was a late-round steal). And this summer we’ll use a similar model for the inaugural Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League.
Single-show reality fantasy drafts have been attempted before, but in this league, we selected our rosters from the casts of six different shows. Earlier this week, our owners — Bill Simmons, Joe House, Connor Schell, Jay Caspian Kang, Lane Brown, and myself — drafted teams from the summer seasons of The Bachelorette, Basketball Wives, The Challenge: Rivals, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, and Love in the Wild. Bachelor Pad, which premieres in August, will serve as our playoff round, and its contestants will be placed on teams at a later date.
These shows were selected via a sophisticated process that took into account ratings, cultural impact, and critical acclaim. Oh, wait — no, they weren’t. They were chosen pretty much because they were ones we’d planned to watch anyway.
Our scoring system is equally scientific. Points will be awarded to team owners whose players engage in the kind of socially irresponsible behavior that reflects the moral bankruptcy of these shows — fighting, intemperance, making Dr. Drew cry, etc. (Note: Grantland condones none of these things. Kids, please don't make Dr. Drew cry.) Scores will be tallied each week by league commissioner Katie Gorman, and at the end of the season a winner will be crowned.
In the coming months, Grantland will cover this league with a level of passion and analysis typically reserved for more important things, such as politics and LeBron James' hairline. Below, you’ll find our scoring system and the results of our draft. Look for our first scorecard post next week. We encourage you to start your own leagues, suggest changes to our system, or just read these posts and mumble to yourself, "I thought this site had Malcolm Gladwell?"
Scoring System
If the commissioner determines that a team member has committed any of the following, that team receives the corresponding number of points. Gray areas abound, so all scoring is at the discretion of the commissioner.
Global Scoring
Emotional/Verbal
Female Crying: 5 points
Male Crying: 20 points
Asking if a fellow cast member is there "for the right reasons": 10 points
Saying, “I didn’t come here to make friends”: 10 points
Trying to make someone cry and succeeding: 25 points
Trying to make someone cry and failing: -5 to -25 points (commissioner’s discretion)
Blaming parents for poor behavior: 10 points
Calling a friend or relative at home, crying, and saying, “Everyone here hates me”: 20 points
Threatening to sue fellow cast member: 25 points
Being subject of an intervention: 30 points (Celebrity Rehab stars excluded)
Plugging an acting, modeling, or singing career: 10 points
Singing song in front of two or more people: 20 points
Romantic/Sexual
Open-mouth kissing: 5 points per participant
Coitus (or pulling over covers in bed): 25 points per participant
Denying coitus: 10 points
Fraudulent denial of coitus: 20 points
Fraudulent claim of coitus: 25 points
Participating in threesome: 50 points per participant
STD scare: 30 points per sexual partner
Pregnancy scare: 50 points per sexual partner
Intentional nudity: 20 points
Unintentional nudity: 5 points
Hitting on the show’s host: 5 to 15 points (commissioner’s discretion)
Possession of concealed erection: 10 to 25 points (commissioner’s discretion)
Revealing past career in pornography: 50 points
Going on a show-sanctioned overnight date and not hooking up: -25 points per participant (The Bachelorette and Love in the Wild only)
Violence
Verbal Fighting: 5 points
Physical Fighting: 25 points
Decisively winning physical fight: 25 points
Throwing drink in someone’s face: 5 points
Having unexplained black eye, fat lip, or bloody knuckles: 25 points
Being restrained or lectured on camera by security or production staff: 25 points
Requesting to be assaulted: 10 points
Invoking show’s rules as only reason for not committing assault: 10 points
Attempting to fight show’s host: 100 points
Drugs/Alcohol
Extreme intoxication: 5 to 25 points (commissioner’s discretion)
Vomiting: 10 points
Having car keys taken away: 5 points
Being kicked out of bar or club: 20 points
Religious/Volunteerism
Violating stated religious beliefs: 25 points
Attending church: -10 points
Non-court-ordered volunteer work: -25 points
Early Departures
Being kicked off show: 100 points (must be eliminated outside of game play)
Causing others to threaten to leave show: 15 points
Threatening to leave show and not following through: 15 points
Threatening to leave show and following through: 30 points
Hot Tub/Helicopter Bonus
Any points earned in hot tub and/or helicopter are scored at double value.
Show-specific Scoring
The Bachelorette (premiered May 23 on ABC)
Calling Ashley a pet name: 5 points
Giving Ashley a gift: 10 points
Mentioning Brad: 10 points
Winning final rose: 50 points
Basketball Wives (premiered May 30 on VH1)
Plugging an entrepreneurial venture: 20 points
Attending an event without an invitation: 10 points
Using the word “classy”: 5 points
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (premieres June 29 on VH1)
Abusing a substance while in rehab: 20 points
Making Dr. Drew cry: 25 points
Mentioning comeback plans: 10 points
Saying a child/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend is “everything to me,” “my life,” and/or “my world”: 10 points
Attempting to escape and failing: 30 points
Attempting to escape and succeeding: 50 points
Getting arrested and/or going back to rehab before airing of show’s finale: 100 points
The Challenge: Rivals (premieres June 22 on MTV)
Making T.J. say, “You Killed It”: 25 points
Winning elimination challenge: 10 points
Winning final challenge: 50 points
Love In The Wild (premieres June 29 on NBC)
Winning elimination challenge: 10 points
Winning final challenge: 50 points
All Love in the Wild hookup points will be scored at half value
