Friday, March 2, 2012
Assorted Notes on American Idol's Top 13 Results Show
By Mark Lisanti
After seven mind-numbing weeks of cattle-call auditions, interminable group numbers, and the sudden, shocking onset of a still-unidentified, organ-liquefying plague that left at least 15 unlucky pop-star hopefuls dead and scores more voiding the churning contents of their virus-wracked stomachs into the nearest potted plant, last night American Idol finally made its first round of audience-voted eliminations, thinning the Top 24 to a Top 13. (If you've already forgotten the new mechanics of this season, "America" decided the Top 10, and our esteemed panel of judges selected three additional "wild cards" via a Sing For Your Life performance borrowed from Cowellian upstart The X Factor.) And so, after a two-hour results show so bloated Fox had to cut away its bedroom wall and deliver its piano-sized Craftmatic directly into our DVRs with a construction crane, here are your Top 13:
Deandre Brackensick (Wild Card)
Erika Van Pelt (Wild Card)
Jeremy Rosado (Wild Card)
Jessica "J-Chez" Sanchez
Sing For Your Lifers: Brackensick, Van Pelt, Rosado, Jen Hirsh, Brielle Von Hugel, Reed Grimm.
Assorted Notes on the Fallen: The only huge surprise was Eben Franckewitz, who, while awful, was the kind of irresistible, tennis-ball-headed tween-bait we can usually pencil in to the finals. Is this a nationwide referendum on the waning of Bieber Fever? Justin Bieber, better sell a Lambo and start planning for swagtirement ... Chase Likens is in negotiations to star in CMT's first-ever "country vampire" drama ... It seemed a little cruel when Jimmy Iovine demanded, via pre-taped evaluation of his Boys' Night performance, that Creighton Fraker be "cut up into little pieces and sling-shotted off the top of the Capitol Records building" ... A barefoot, shirtless, bongo-toting Reed Grimm has already been seen roaming Venice Beach, offering to scat any sitcom theme song for $5. So far, no takers ... The generous Adam Brock has shipped 10 boxes of "Taste the White Chocolate" T-shirts to the Sudanese chapter of the Red Cross, and is hard at work with his therapist trying to free the "large black woman" trapped inside his body ... Aaron Marcellus still has a great name ... Was it weird when Steven Tyler asked Brielle Von Hugel to "pretend you're seducing a giant python, who, like, is not really into you, so you really want to impress it with a sexy song" before she Sang For Her Life? Just checking.