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5. “I definitely feel confident that Kim is 100 percent loyal to me. I mean, when I sit back and assess everything, why in the hell would she want to sit next to Chelsea and Sabrina and have all those votes just split?” — AliciaChelsea (Survivor, Lisanti) 40 points: Jury members made Chelsea cry twice at the final tribal council (2 x 20 = 40 points), and seemingly for very different reasons:
Anyone who watches Survivor knows that human beings are less loyal to other human beings than they are to one million dollars. Alicia was one of the sharpest women left, and even she felt that Kim was “100 percent loyal” to her. Know why she thought that? Laser-shooting angel eyeballs, that’s why.
4. I am proud of Kim. She fooled me.” — Christina
I mean, “I’m proud of Kim. She fooled me”? Are you kidding me, Christina? She just lied to you and voted you off the show, girl! How on earth are you saying you're proud of her? Oh yeah, angel eyeballs.
3. “I think she is just extremely endearing. She has this very soft-spoken, very graceful way about her and when she is talking to you you really do she sees through you and is like, 'It's me and you until the end.'” — Sabrina
No explanation needed on this one.
2. Jeff Probst during a challenge where he asks questions about what the cast thinks of each other: “Who would you trust with your life?” Every single contestant: “Kim.”
Every single contestant?!? There is not one person that doubts her? There is not one person that said, “Hmmm, who do I trust more with my life? The whip-smart chick who devoted her life to helping underprivileged kids with special needs? Or the woman who has devoted her life to wedding arrangements? I think I'll go with the whip-smart chick.” Not one? There can only be one reason for this: laser-shooting angel eyeballs.
1. “This is all I am going to say tonight: I know I lied to you and I voted you out. But I have no boobs left, so have a little mercy.” — Kim
How could someone have such a whimsical approach in trying to convince the very people that she just voted off the show to award her the million-dollar prize? Laser-shooting angel eyeballs, that’s how.
What a Jury Member Said to Make Chelsea Cry: “What I want to tell you is that I have a secret. I went through two open heart surgeries when I was 12 years old and in order for me to have kids I had to have another open heart surgery. So I will be going in next year and I am doing it again. I had to hide that from you guys, so I didn’t want to show you that weakness. So I don’t have time to be mad at you guys." — KatBrent the Dude With Six Kids (Bachelorette, Simmons), 20 points: When Brent the Dude With Six Kids was booted off, he didn't take it too well: “Ya know, I didn’t think I would find love again. And there still is a chance that I might not. At my age, with six kids, you know — not a high probability, I would say." (Sobs, 20 points) Sometimes other people’s televised depression really touches you and makes you want to be the shoulder for that pixelated person to cry on — sometimes it’s fucking hilarious.
The Reason Chelsea Was Crying: Sympathy for the medical trauma Kat has and will continue to endure.
What a Jury Member Said to Make Chelsea Cry: “I want to inculcate within the engrams of my brain how I felt when I knew my wife was actually placing footprints on the sand of this island and I knew that she was close to me and I would embrace her and feel her heart beat against mine and hear the whispers of her breathe about our inalienable love that would not have happened if you had not kept me. For that, I am very appreciative. And I will try to feel that moment until we are dust in the sand or until God brings cognizance to our atoms once again. So I thank you for that. That’s all I have to say.” — Tarzan
Why It Seemed Like Chelsea Was crying: She realized some dude named Tarzan had found the type of love that she always wanted for herself.
The Reason Chelsea Was Crying: All of her dreams of winning the million dollars had just been crushed when Jonas walked up and announced, “Chelsea, we all agree as guys that you are the hottest chick this season, but that is not what we are going to base this vote on.”
5. Tami Insult: “I don’t give a bleep about calm and cool, bitch. You want to go off? Now is your time. I am giving you ample time to say what the bleep you need to stay. I want you to go off, I am going to sit down and give you the mother bleepin’ floor ... I don’t respect you, bitch.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “If you sit down before you give me the floor I won’t be able to find it under your rhinoceros ass.”
4. Tami Insult: “Any bitch that don’t want to get it poppin’ should keep their mouth closed. Scary bitch 101.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “I didn’t know Scary Bitch 101 was part of the curriculum when you studied for your GED.”
3. Tami Insult: “Don’t bleeping make me your bleeping test tube. Your bleepin’ test tube baby. You don’t want to try no bleep with me, I’m not the one, you wanna talk big, bitch, say that bleep to my face.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “Tami, I’m sorry, can you repeat that last part again? I got sidetracked when you demanded that I not make you my test tube baby.”
2. Tami Insult: “So you was going to lie. Because I didn’t steal your goddamn purse you walked away from it, so you was going to lie on me and threaten my ... (looks around her) ... my FREEDOM!? Over some bleep you walked away from? That was some bleep that you were going to do? On me? In another foreign ass country?
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “Tami, every other country is foreign.”
1. Tami Insult: “I bet you won’t say bleep else, I bet you bleepin’ won’t, 'cause bitch you ain’t going to get your purse until you come the bleep over here. 'Cause you ain’t done bleep but run since you got the bleep here. I’m surprised you ain’t treaded water and ran your ass back to Miami, bitch.”
Comeback Kesha Thought of Four Hours Later That She Wished She'd Thought of at the Time: “Tami, they might not have covered this in Scary Bitch 101 class, but you can’t tread water and run at the same time.”
Chris (holding a glass slipper): “The name is Charming. Prince Charming. And I am looking for my princess. I believe in fairy tales, I believe in love, and I believe that if the shoe fits that me and my princess will live happily ever after. So do you mind if I see if this fits?” (10 gift-giving points)
Travis the Dude That Brought an Ostrich Egg: “You are probably wondering why I am holding this egg.”
Travis the Dude That Brought an Ostrich Egg: “This egg is a symbol of two beautiful people — you and Ricki (Emily’s daughter). And throughout this journey I am going to take care of this egg like I will take care of you and Ricki.”