|GRANTLAND.com: Hollywood Prospectus|
Mentioning ownership of second home(s): 5 points Expressing discomfort with existence of people from outer boroughs: 10 points Having rumored financial problems: 15 points Disrespecting husband/boyfriend to their face in front of friends: 10 points Making an awkward joke about Aviva’s prosthetic leg: 10 points Using Aviva’s prosthetic leg as a weapon: 100 points Refusing verbal offer of alcoholic drink: -10 points
Bill: “Which one has a fake leg? I want the one with the fake leg.” (Aviva)
Kalon: We need to get back to rehearsals …Quick Bit of Actual Human Perspective: If you ever say “run along” to a human being and you aren’t a British school teacher, you're an asshole.
Emily: I know I am sorry I am interr —
Kalon: Run along.
Doug: Kalon, last night Ricki [Emily The Mom’s daughter] was referred to as baggage?Quick Bit of Actual Human Perspective: Kalon, parents who refer to their kids as solely a “responsibility” are either grossly misguided or Antonio Cromartie.
Kalon: Yeah, not going to apologize for it. Certainly maybe wish I never said it, but I'm not going to retract it. Baggage, again, can have negative connotations when it's bought up like that. All it is is a responsibility, it is a huge responsibility.
Kalon: Yeah, but you have to realize that if you become a part of her life, pretty much any date that you go on with her is going to be a group date. It is going to be you, her, and Ricki.Quick Bit of Actual Human Perspective: Man, woman, and child are typically to as a “family,” not a “group date.”
Kalon: Yeah, I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting for her.Quick Bit of Actual Human Perspective: Talking to an exhausted, sick mother is what most husbands blissfully refer to as an “evening.”
Emily The Mom: Do you have anything to say for yourself?Quick Bit of Actual Human Perspective: Again, Emily The Mom has been in a bikini, a cocktail dress, a private plane, and pajamas, but has never been sexier than when she was cussin’ at Kalon. I am back in on Emily The Mom.
Kalon: Yeah, um, unfortunately that came up in a negative connotation. It’s not baggage, it is part of your life and it is going to be a big responsibility for you and whoever you end up with.
Emily The Mom: It’s a huge blessing. That is my heart and soul and for anyone to say that is baggage —
Kalon: Well that’s certainly —
Emily The Mom: Let me talk. I'd love to hear you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that one from you. [Note: That's an AMAZING callback from Emily The Mom there — he said that to her two episodes ago.] Anyone who says that she is baggage does not deserve to be on any date with me. Had you asked me about Ricki, you would see that she is the furthest thing from baggage and anyone with the tiniest heart could see that. It makes me sad for you. So is there anything you can say to say, “No I didn’t say that?”
Kalon: No, not at all.
Emily The Mom: THEN GET THE FUCK OUT!
Heather: What did your dad look like? Did he have dark hair?
LuAnn: Well he was very —
Heather: My dad just died on Friday.
Heather (out of nowhere): One of my best friends, I wonder if you have met her? She's in the wine business. She is blind. She lost her sight to diabetes. She had a pancreas transplant and a kidney transplant.
Heather (equally out of nowhere): My little one had a liver transplant. Yeah, I was saying, well it was just a rare liver disease ...
LuAnn: You called me you during the weekend of Victoria’s art party and you threatened me.
Ramona: I didn’t threaten you.
LuAnn: You threatened to tell people about Noel’s birthday party.
Ramona: I did not threaten you.
LuAnn: The children heard the whole thing. You said, "I will go there I will tell everyone about your son’s birthday party." You did.
Ramona: How could I threaten you? Everyone knows who you are, everyone knows you are never home with your children, you are out and about, everyone knows —
LuAnn: How dare you!
Ramona: Everyone knows —
LuAnn: How dare you, Ramona?
Ramona: You fall off tables!
Emily: I don’t mean to rush things, but I want to have a lot of kids.
Sean: So you are saying, like, ASAP?
Emily: Like, yesterday.
A. Slowly walk out the door
B. Fake a seizure
C. Start break-dancing
D. Start seizure-break-dancing slowly out the door
Emily The Mom (in interview): I want to go West Virginia hood-rat backwoods on his ass.
1. “Jef is really hard to read. Maybe the hardest guy that I have met to read.”Carole (Real Housewives of New York City, Connor), 0 points (10 for plugging career – 10 for refusing alcohol = 0): To me, Carole ranks highest on the “I could have a few beers with her” scale of all the crazypantses on this show. Mater of a fact, I am going to run back the GRTFL top five with her just to finish the way that I started. This GRTFL top five is the top five reasons that I think Carole is chill, listed from “oh yeah, she does seem cool” to “I bet she's done lines off of Madonna’s nipple”:
2. “I don’t know what he is thinking. I know that I am really into to him. I feel like there is a lot of physical attraction between us, but I don’t know on his side. So going into tonight I need Jef to show me more than tell me that he is into me.”
1. She is a New York Times best-selling author.
2. She said, “I don’t know, I usually stay below 14th street.”
3. She is down with the Kennedys.
4. She said, “I don’t hate kids, I hate when groups of mothers get together and that's all they talk about.”
5. She dates a bro who tours with Aerosmith and had this to say about their relationship:
Carole: I have a cool, very casual relationship with a musician, his name is Russ, he is with Aerosmith, he is on tour for years with them. We have been together for probably a year but I really don’t keep track of those things.
Aviva: How does that work?
Carole: I wouldn’t say we have the most conventional relationship.
Aviva: So when he is gone for two months are guys allowed to see other people?
Carole: We're grown-ups, he is allowed to do whatever he wants, I am allowed to do whatever I want.
Aviva: And then you return and you just, you have the love again?
Carole: Yeah. It has always been that way.
Aviva: You don’t get upset about what he is doing while you're away?