|GRANTLAND.com: Hollywood Prospectus|
1. “Somebody that stands by my side good or bad.”
OK, this one isn’t all that strange in comparison to what's coming. But I'm not sure if you really want to lead with, “I am going to do terrible things and I want you to support me regardless.”
What? “Logical” is the no. 2 quality you need in a life partner? Logical? And how do you go immediately from “stands by my side good or bad” right into “logical” and not recognize how illogical those two qualities existing simultaneously is?
He actually skipped three and went straight to four. Please remember that no. 2 was “logical” and no. 4 is barely a word.
Based on the way he said it, I'm going to say Ryan meant less “has faith in God” and more “won’t sleep with my cousin Steve.”
All right, he isn’t even halfway done and he has already used two words that I had to Google to make sure were actually words in the first place. I can’t tell if this says more about his lack of intelligence or mine.
This is the first one that would appear on a well-adjusted human being’s list. But don’t worry, that trend doesn’t last.
If someone could put a gun to my head and say, “You have an hour to list 1,000 qualities you are looking for in a wife or I will blow your brains out,” I think “magnetic” would be no. 938 right behind “doesn’t like tomatoes” and in front of “hits on 16s at the blackjack table.”
9. “Somebody that people are drawn to.”
Somebody that lists “somebody that people are drawn to” is likely “somebody that you should run away from.” Just sayin’.
10. “Somebody that loves to laugh.”
Who doesn’t love to laugh? Who hates laughing? Who is laugh-averse? He clearly is running out of ideas at this point.
11. “Somebody that is a servant.”
Um. Ah. Welp. I. Ah. Ugh. Yeah, I don’t have commentary for this one.
How did unselfish fall this far on the list? I would say that this is the second one that makes any sense.
13. “Somebody that loves to catch my eye.”
This one is my favorite by far. Honestly, what the hell is he even talking about? Somebody that enjoys eye contact? Somebody that is attractive? Somebody that wears bright colors? If he just wrote “somebody that catches my eye” I would give him a pass, but “somebody that LOVES to catch my eye” is just, well, it exemplifies perfectly how perplexing Ryan really is.
1. They treat downtown like it is a foreign country. Yes, downtown is slightly culturally different than midtown or uptown — slightly. But this week Aviva and Ramona “did the leather for downtown.” It is a neighborhood that is a two-mile walk from your home, it is not something you need to change the way you dress for.Travis (The Bachelorette, House), 20 points: Travis got kicked off the show this week and got all cry-y when Emily the Mom gave him the boot (20 points). This is not how Travis thought appearing on this show would play out:
2. Aviva doesn’t let her husband wear a wedding ring. She doesn’t allow her husband to wear a wedding ring because she feels like men wearing wedding rings get hit on more than men without them. Does she even recognize that this fact makes her (a) sound like someone that would hit on a married man, and (b) sound like someone who has no faith in her husband’s ability to be loyal to her? No, no she does not.
3. “Let's get a coffee. It's too early for wine.” They basically spend their entire day drinking wine. I think this statement was less “we shouldn’t drink this early in the day” and more "the places that sell wine are legally required to be closed at this time of day, so let’s wait them out over some coffee.”
4. “I only flirt with husbands when their wives are right next to them. That is rule no. 27.” Carole, I need to know, what are rules one through 26?
5. Face yoga. Face. Yoga. As in, yoga for your face. This is not a Saturday Night Live sketch, it is a real thing these women really talk about.
What Travis thought women in bars would say to him after being on The Bachelorette: “You were on The Bachelorette, right? I remember you, you were super-sweet, Emily should have picked you. Are you still single?”Doug (The Bachelorette, Connor), 20 points: Doug broke down in tears while discussing how much he missed his son (20 points). As a crier myself, it's hard to really go in on Doug for getting emotional — but let me just say this: There is crying and then there is what Doug did, which is crying so hard your face looks like it is melting off.
What women in bars will actually say to Travis after being on The Bachelorette: “You were on The Bachelorette, right? I remember you, you were the one that carried an ostrich egg with you everywhere you went. I can’t remember, did Emily kick you off the show or did the producers institutionalize you?”