|GRANTLAND.com: Hollywood Prospectus|
Kang: Brandon (The Drug Addict)
Bill: Marie (The Staten Islander)
Jacoby: Unflushed Mystery Turd (The Most Interesting Cast Member)
House: Swift (The Guy Who Wears a Scarf on St. Thomas)
Lisanti: Laura (The Lingerie Football League Quarterback)
Connor: Robb With Two B's (The Mutant Jim Courier)
Kang: LaToya (The Bubbly Girl With the Bubble Butt)
Bill: Trey (The Prom King)
Hi, I'm Chris Harrison, I wanted to take the time to talk to you about something that you may have heard about. [Sure, Chris Harrison, what’ll it be? Are we taking about your recent divorce? The unconfirmed-probably-not-true-but-totally-juicy rumor that you are dating Emily? The NBA draft? Whaddya got, Chris?] It involves one of our producers. Some time ago, in fact, several years ago, Arie had a very brief relationship with our producer Cassie Lambert. [Can you hold on a second, Chris? I have to Google stalk Cassie Lambert for a half hour ... Cool, I’m back, carry on.] Emily had no idea about this relationship when production began, but Cassie took it upon herself to tell Emily about it as soon as it became apparent that Emily was developing some serious feelings for Arie. [Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes ...] In the interest of full disclosure, we taped a sequence with Cassie interviewing Emily about this touchy subject. We want to show you that interview now.
It wouldn’t have been weird if somebody would have said from day one, "Hey, we know each other ... We’ve known each other for a long time, I thought he would be great for you." I would have been like, "Somebody is setting me up, cool." You know? I would have been like, "Cassie, you missed out. He’s a great kisser." Like, I mean, I totally wouldn’t care, but now I feel like an idiot. And this is not, like, a production thing, this is a real-life thing.
Welcome back to The Bachelorette, I am Chris Harrison. Emily just found out in Prague that many years ago, Arie had a very brief romantic relationship [read: got slammered and slept with a couple times] with our producer, Cassie Lambert. Now again, in the interest of full disclosure, Emily, Arie and Cassie then had a very honest conversation about the issue. [Why don’t you just show me that conversation, Chris?] Unfortunately, this conversation took place off-camera. [Really? The most dramatic thing to happen this season was OFF CAMERA? Something isn’t adding up.] But here is what was discussed: Arie told Emily he felt the relationship was so brief and so long ago that it didn’t matter. [She bought that?] Emily agreed and she realized her feelings for Arie weren’t impacted.
5. I completely understand being a slow mover, but then there is, like, no moving at all.
4. You’re such a gentleman, almost to a fault.
3. Last time at the rose ceremony when you put your arm around me, that felt really good.
2. I have way too much respect for you to keep you away from [your son] another day.
1. Are you a eunuch?
If I don't get the rose tonight, I'm going to be freaking out a bit ... like bad freaking out a bit.
If I don't get a hometown date, I'll be scared for anyone around me.
I need to talk to her. I'm worried. I'm really worried that I am going to be the man up there that doesn't get the rose, but I feel like I am one of the best men for her, so I just need a couple minutes with her, talk to her ... remind he why I'm here.
I'm not ready for this to be over between me and her. I feel like ... [sighs] ... I'm a good man for her. I'm the best man for her. I could miss out on this opportunity with the perfect girl. That is going to kill me because the way I treated this week is not the way I am. I took this week for granted, and uhh ... I'm going to pay for it.
I don't want to go home without her. I'll do anything I have to do because I believe in me and her, so I'll do whatever I have to do to fight for her.
Arie: Emily puts the hand around his waist in a hug move.
John: Emily leans over and kisses him, barely even touching him with her lips.
Sean: Hand on the neck, rubbing that area behind your ear that is dirty even after a shower.
Doug: This was a non-consensual kiss. She didn’t have time to do a hand move, but if she did it would be to remove him from her face.
Jeff With One F: Same "let me clean that for you because this part of your head is hard to clean" rub move that Sean got.
Emily, asking about his parents: Have they ever not liked someone that you dated?
Jeff With One F: Yeah.
Emily: Really? What happened?
Jeff With One F: I broke up with her.
Emily: Because of that?
Jeff With One F: Pretty much, yeah.
The last girl I was in love with ... cheated on me the day after our one-year anniversary. It is like a crazy story, like, she turned her phone off for three days when she cheated on me. She said she was going to happy hour with her girlfriend ...
"I am still sharp. I still know the difference between the dog pills and my pills.” [Doesn’t everyone gauge their intelligence by how well they can sort their various prescription pills?]
"I’ll need my chocolate bar to get me going. Because I have a call today. I have calls." [Whoa! More than one phone call? In a day? You’re right, girl, you DO need a chocolate bar.]
"C’mon, single mom, hurricane, dog got hit by a car, two out of seven toilets plugged, doing my own electrical around here, changing light bulbs, I got a toaster oven coming out …" [Read that whole thing again. For real, read it. Can you imagine she still finds the time to breathe with all that toilet unplugging, light-bulb changing, and toaster-oven development she has to do? This woman must never sleep. Also, must poop a lot.]
“I am even tired of listening to myself ramble.” [I hear you, Sonja, hence: End of the column.]