Scene: Tauheed Epps (commonly known as 2 Chainz, playing character Calvin "Pearlie" Jones) is being attended to in a massage parlor, when Odafin "Fin" Tutuola (Ice-T) and Benson (Mariska Hargitay) bust in to question him. The following are all of his lines. Mad-libbed.
1. "Aw, yeah. Right there, I (eat/like/need/respect) that."
2. "What the? Aw, hell no. I got (high cholesterol/sciatica/a fear of clowns/a fear of not ballin'/narcolepsy/Similac)."
Why am I writing about the BET Awards? Because I love Televised Entertainment by Blacks (TEB), that's why. Also, they were awesome last night. Perfect, no. (The censor was drunk, I'm sure of it.) A few embarrassing moments, yes. (Someone needs to spank this kid. Oh, Beyoncé, you're on it? Cool.) But overall, awesome. Still super-proud to be black, 25 years and counting.
By my count, there were four main highlights. Let's talk about them right now.
1. Beyoncé and the Roots, "Best Thing I Never Had" (live on Jimmy Fallon)
Turns out the only person who can upstage Beyoncé in a ballad is the girl playing the piano behind her in this Fallon performance. She is feeling it so hard that not even Bey can keep up.
2. Young Jeezy, "Shake Life"
The real is back! With a Toto sample and his trademark positive attitude, rap's favorite motivational speaker returns to help you train for that triathlon.