Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Look: This past SNL might not be one for the books or anything, but it beat the daylights out of the previous one, so let’s just drink to that for now. Adam Levine co-hosted with a set of cue cards that — when they weren’t being reflected in windows during a Catfish parody or casting distracting shadows while Train and Maroon 5 faced off — sent the script waltzing across the limpid pools of Levine’s eyes as he read (a fellow Grantlander called it “Phelpsian”). That’s OK with me, though, because the energy was up and the material was pretty decent. I was sort of into it! Do you disagree? You probably disagree. But see here: “The Sopranos Diaries” could have been written in Swahili and I still would have laughed at Moynihan’s teenage Tony and Armisen’s Paulie Walnuts (even though I’d probably have cast him as Silvio Dante).
John Mayer & Katy Perry & Adam Levine: Katy Perry went to Adam Levine's annual Halloween party and the two were flirting nonstop. "Adam was touching and hugging Katy affectionately while they did shots together for a half hour, even though his girlfriend model Behati Prinsloo was at the party too. It was kind of uncomfortable." Perry is show-business buddies with Levine, who is also BFF with Katy's rumored beau, John Mayer. Mayer once dated Jessica Simpson, whom Levine was once said to have tooted and booted.
"Adam texted Jess that he 'needed space.'" WHAT? "Then he avoided her calls. She phoned him several times, but he didn't answer." While Katy and Adam's flirtation is probably innocent, there's no doubt that she knows a potential fling with Levine is her ace in the hole should John Mayer's wandering eye and life-ruining dick get the best of John and Katy's relationship.
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about, American Horror Story: Asylum. While the pilot wasn’t as scary as I’d hoped, last night’s episode delivered plenty of the gray-faced exorcisms, shots of knives carving bloody meat during unsettling conversations, and electroshock treatments that are so close to my weird old heart. And what about Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) refusing to be seduced by Shelly the nymphomaniac (Chloë Sevigny) as she sexily begged him for five measly minutes outdoors? “No! Whores get nothing!” The euphemisms in this installment were top-notch: I think “Now slowly, show me your mossy bank” has got to be the most potent gender-neutral boner-slaughterer ever introduced into the aural atmosphere. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.
Taylor Swift and John Mayer: "Every guy in Hollywood knows the drill: Cross Taylor Swift and end up with a song about you." Drill Taylor Swift, and risk ending up with a whole album's worth of songs about you. And so John Mayer steps up to defend himself against Swift's "Dear John." He says "It made me feel terrible. Because I didn't deserve it." Get that? He didn't feel terrible because she struck a chord with her lyrics about how he's "an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry." A "blindsided" Mayer snipes, "it was a really lousy thing for her to do." Funny how he who dishes it out the loudest ("sexual napalm") can't take it for even a second. "It really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?" I don't know, how would I feel if somebody said they had a "Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock"? A friend of Swift's says "He played her and now he's claiming he got played? What a loser." Mayer's sources claim Mayer had "thwarted" Swift's advances because "she was too young" and he "didn't feel comfortable going there." Swift's friends tell a different fairy tale. "John was a player and treated her like shit. She felt like he looked at her as a conquest." Mayer's new roots-rock album Born and Raised debuted at no. 1, while Swift recently had a Valentine's Day "pathetic single girls" party. Sure seems like Mayer and Swift are destined for some Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara realness.
During the standing ovation for Glen Campbell's performance of "Rhinestone Cowboy," a camera sweeping the audience spied two ladies who were not exactly enthralled with the country legend, momentarily setting Twitter ablaze with disapprobation. This is the transcript of their text message exchange.
Becki1990: luv these seats omg
HotJennaXOXO: u say that every 10 minutes. im sitting right next 2 u talk 2 me bitch!
Becki1990: cant here u over Capt Old Rhinestones or whatever. who is this singing?
HotJennaXOXO: did the Voice guy say Pete Campbell?
Bachelor Ben:The Bachelor contestant "Courtney Robertson was running out of tricks to keep Ben Flajnik's attention" after her "skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico" stunt. For a Panama rain forest group date "she shamelessly bared her breasts for an entire afternoon" (better than shamefully baring them?) and "to up the sexual ante" asked him to come over to her room. "Alas, the California winemaker, 28, never showed." After being stood up, "a dismayed Robertson stepped out onto her hotel balcony and tried her luck with a crew of construction workers outside." How did that work? "She danced for them in her bikini, shaking her butt" while they whistled. "She looked like she wanted attention." An attention whore on reality TV? You don't say. "It wasn't about Ben or finding true love. She just wanted to be famous." A sex tape she made with an ex-boyfriend may pop up soon. "It's pretty dirty." She formerly dated Jim Toth (the CAA agent who is now Reese Witherspoon's husband), Desperate Housewives' Jesse Metcalfe, and Entourage's Adrian Grenier, and was "superaggressive," a so-called "stage-five clinger" who "pushes herself onto men" and has "always relied on her body to get what she wanted." "She's like a monkey. She won't let go of one branch until she grabs hold of another — and she's always looking for a better branch. She wants to snag a rich dude." "Her best line is before having sex with a man. She'll ask him, 'Are you ready for your date with destiny?'" While some people claim Courtney is a plant cast to create controversy, sources say, "Roberton's bitchiness is 100 percent genuine."
Leonardo DiCaprio is circling a lead role in Todd Field's (In the Bedroom, Little Children) The Creed of Violence, a Western based on the recent book by Boston Teran about a criminal who smuggles weapons into Mexico in 1910 but ends up in the custody of a government agent who turns out to be his son (DiCaprio hasn't yet decided between the two characters). Creed has been in development at Universal for years, but DiCaprio's interest could put it back on the fast track. Then again, maybe the failure of Cowboys and Aliens over the weekend means Universal will cool it on Westerns for a while. Grade: A- ["24 Frames"/LAT]
Woody Allen, currently enjoying his biggest-ever success with Midnight in Paris, will open up in a new documentary to air this November on PBS. Produced by Robert Weide (Curb Your Enthusiasm), Seriously Funny: The Comic Art of Woody Allen will feature interviews and footage of the director visiting his old Brooklyn neighborhood. Grade: B+ ["Show Tracker"/LAT]