All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. Soon they shall toss a ring into a magic volcano and their journey will be complete.
One
What did you think of last night's "One for the judges, one for themselves, and one for Jimmy" format, mixed in with the hometown concerts? Did it momentarily breathe life into the show, or was it just a different kind of two-hour trudge through the karaoke killing fields?
Lisanti: Do I dare say I enjoyed it overall? If you're going to make us sit through two hours of this thing — and they've never taken the two-hour boot off our throats all season — it was nice to get three actual performances in there. Even the hometown concerts seemed to have a little more energy than those of recent years. Maybe that had something to do with the high quality of two of the three finalists, or maybe Chula Vista doesn't usually see that much action, or maybe the Idol producers gave every kid in attendance a Four Loko the size of an oil barrel on the way into the arena while whispering, "Phillip just broke up with his girlfriend and he says he likes you the most" in their ears.
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. Welcome to Week 485,891! Only infinity times google to go!
One
Last week, Kang said that he had realized that Joshua Ledet couldn’t "stank out an already stanky song" like “Change Gonna Come” or “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg,” but he could stank the hell out of a thoroughly unstanky song. After Joshua’s performance of “It’s a Man's Man's Man’s World” last night, does he want to reconsider that statement?
Kang: Well, he’s certainly not shy. Joshua has taken on David Ruffin, Sam Cooke, and James Brown. All he’s missing is some Teddy Pendergrass (probably won’t happen because nobody under the age of 40 knows any of his songs), Brian McKnight (impossible, given developments), Luther (probably coming), and Kells (PLEASE!) and he’ll have taken on the Mount Rushmore of male R&B.
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. They will then sit silently in a dark room for an hour, contemplating the poor life choices that got them to this point.
One
It's almost laughable how much better J-Chez and Joshua are than the other three contestants. It's a sick joke on music, on television, on America. So who was better last night?
Lisanti: I'm a Joshua fan. I am. But as good as he is, we've seen that one thing he does exceedingly well over and over again, and there's no more possibility of surprise. Really, there have been no surprises from him since about the third week. He turns on the blasters, lets it rip, and three minutes later the judges are picking up the table he blew over. We know this. We're OK with this. But he's taken his thing as far it can go here.
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. The end is so near they can taste it, and it tastes like a puppy's tears.
One
Good lord. Mega-SMH. What did you think of Queen Night?
Kang: Just when I was starting to get into Skylar, Jessica, and Joshua, just when I was starting to enjoy hate-watching Phillip Phillips, just when I had gathered up enough mana to play my “Circle of Protection: White” Magic: The Gathering card to ward off the evil witchery of Elise Testone, the show had to go and defile the greatest rock singer of all time. We’ve been talking all season about singers you shouldn’t cover — Chaka Khan, Sam Cooke, Whitney Houston, 4 Non Blondes, The Cranberries, etc. Let’s please add Freddie Mercury to that list. There was no reason to listen to Phil Squared sing “Fat Bottomed Girls,” there was no reason to have Hollie Cavanagh sing “Save Me” (from what? A spoonful of medicine?) and there was certainly no reason to project four Jessica Sanchez heads onto the screen and have her sing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Usually there’s something funny about watching a teenager try to karaoke his or her way through great songs sung by great singers. Last night was just kind of sad.
Grantland Idol experts Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti don't usually like to write about the results shows, but every so often, events demand commentary. Celebration? Call it what you will. This is one of those times.
One
Ding, dong, the witch is dead! Colton Dixon was sent home on Idol last night, restoring the hopes of all thirtysomething bloggers who, for whatever reason, see America’s most bloated karaoke contest as a referendum on our childhood hopes and dreams. Are the tweens finally “getting it?” Lisanti, how did you react to Colton’s ouster?
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance show. This week, they tackle the Top 7. Wait, the Top 7 was last week? And it's Top 7 again? They really are in hell.
One
What the hell was going on with Colton Dixon’s hair last night?
Kang: For those who didn’t watch, Colton dyed a pinkish-red streak into his famous hair, which, prior to last night, looked like it had been sheared from the mane of a very Aryan Nation lion. I didn’t think much of the streak at first and assumed that Colty had lost his virginity, was feeling a bit vulnerable, and needed to express himself in his usual post-Avril, post–Hot Topic way. But then I got to wondering about his blood feud with Philip Phillips and his abusive relationship with Hollie Cavanagh. Was the streak some sort of blood trophy? Had he done something terrible to his less talented yet more singularly driven sister? Is there a body somewhere in Los Angeles with Colton’s DNA all over it?
All season long, Grantland Idol ultramarathoners Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance show. Welcome to Week 380! They haven't quite broken yet, but they will. They will.
One
I’m going to restate my question from last week. Don’t you think Skylar Laine is going to win?
Kang: Before I answer this fantastic question, I wanted to share something I noticed about Skylar. She looks like a Bush. Like if George W. put on a big red Judd wig and put on some eyeliner.
All season, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. Jay is on assignment, and, unfortunately, he took usual standby replacement Fake Jay Kang with him as a body double for safety reasons. On such short notice, we could only book Bizarro Jay Kang for today's pinch-hitting duty. Please welcome him to Five Questions on Idol.
One
Now that we're down to the Top 8, we pretty much know what we're going to get from each of the contestants from week to week. So who was the best on '80s Night?
All season, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. Though there are only nine contestants left, there is no explicit guarantee this cycle will ever end; it will probably stretch on well into 2015, just to destroy them.
One
It felt like there was a seismic shift in the Idol hierarchy last night. Did you feel it?
Kang: Yes! Skylar Laine rocketed past Jessica Sanchez, Joshua Ledet, and that kid who sings like Dave Matthews and always looks like he has a cattle prod shoved up in an uncomfortable place. Skylar’s now the clear favorite to win the whole durn thing. Yes, I tend to endorse any sort of conspiracy that involves Walmart and droves of teenage girls (still believe the Walton family fixed the Carrie Underwood Idol finale), but Skylar’s upward swing isn’t just some red state/blue state, flyover-whatever business. Of all the singers left in the competition, she’s the only one who doesn’t just sound like a very talented karaoke pro. Her personality and voice alone can sell albums. That’s pretty rare in Idol land and should carry her past the pubescent singing machines to victory.
It's nearly impossible to conduct a heated argument around the Grantland office without it resulting in a column idea, weeklong single-elimination tournament, or impromptu podcast. And so an increasingly contentious discussion of the sorry state of American Idol between Bill Simmons, Reality Czar David Jacoby, and in-house experts Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti quickly escalated into talk of a complete overhaul of the judging panel in an attempt to save the franchise, then spontaneously mutated into a six-round fantasy draft conducted live in the Grantland studio, with each participant selecting a fresh slate of judges, coaches, and newly created "wild-card" positions. Any of the resulting talent rosters (except for Jacoby's — you know that guy who comes into your draft, grabs a closer in the first round, then takes a victory lap around the room? Yeah … ) would result in an instant 300 percent increase in the ratings. And 3,000 percent surge in payroll, but whatever, it's not our money. Hit up our Facebook page and vote on the final teams.
In today's special all-American Idol edition of the Hollywood Prospectus podcast, Grantland experts Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti discuss Jermaine Jones's abrupt on-air dismissal from the competition, how old it makes them feel that Shannon Magrane was born the same year No Doubt's "Don't Speak" was released, and attempt to project Hollie Cavanagh's eventual career path. There is also a discussion about how Joshua Ledet can fully exorcise the musical demons that so clearly possess him onstage, as well as a rumination on Will.I.Am's mostly useless, but amusingly Brian Fellowsian, guest mentorship. And: Jay gets weirdly hung up on some performers' recent tendency to pronounce their words like Adele, while Mark does a truly horrifying imitation of Ryan Seacrest. Plus: The names Teddy Pendergrass and Al Jarreau are mentioned. See you after the results show!
In an unexpected Tuesday-night American Idol elimination round hosted by rabid karaoke watchdog TMZ, creepily soulful man-mountain Jermaine Jones was placed in the Bottom One and summarily voted off the competition by proxy judge Harvey Levin, his journey reportedly cut tragically short because of a concealed criminal past. According to TMZ, Idol producers discovered Tuesday that Jones had lied about his criminal history (presumably, the show's application has a "Hey, anything weird or illegal you got caught for that we should maybe know about? Like, arrest-y and whatnot? No bigs, we just wanna disqualify you if so, OK?" line), with one of the two unearthed incidents from the past year "involv[ing] violence," an ominous, if vague, assertion.
All season, Grantland Idol experts Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. They can hardly believe the show's been on for seven straight months, 10 hours per week; it's really flown by.
One
OK, we're finally at the Main Event. Thirteen left. Who was amazing?
Lisanti: I hate to come out of the gate so strong, but we've got to cut straight to J-Chez. Yesterday she was Mariah Chezzy. Today she's Whitney Chezton. Season after season, "I Will Always Love You" is always held up by the panel of inevitably underwhelmed judges as The One You Don't Dare Sing, the High-Grade Weaponized Whitney you just can't let the kids fuck around with.
Before the Final 13 perform tonight, we wanted to handicap each contestant’s odds to win and compare it to Vegas’s predictions. No need to wait any further, let’s just get right into it. [Ed. note: All wagering analysis is for entertainment purposes only. If you actually put money on this, you have a serious problem. That being said, mortgage your future on Shannon Magrane.]
Hollie Cavanagh
Kang: Ms. Irrelevant — the sixth girl they let in because they needed to let in a sixth girl and for no other reason. The whole blond girl from Texas thing might have worked, but Hollie’s got an unidentifiable, vaguely British accent going on that should alienate her from the always-vital tween-xenophobe (tweenophobe?) population. As for her singing, if you can’t bust out the song from Mulan with more power than that, you’ve got no business on the Idol stage. The judges gave her credit for not singing any notes out of tune, but isn’t that kind of like congratulating a pitcher who gave up five home runs but didn’t walk anyone? We should call her the Kevin Slowey of American Idol.
