Kimye to Wed at Versailles: "Leave it to the self-proclaimed genius to have a gilded ace up his sleeve. Nothing less than France's famed Palace of Versailles will do for his spring vows to Kardashian, 33." This makes so much sense. "Kanye has never been married and wants a big one. It will be over-the-top crazy." But leave the guillotines at home, please. "They are not working with a budget. He says this is his moment, marrying his ideal woman." Can't you already hear Kanye screaming "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL DAY" when the wrong rare orchids show up for the table settings? There will also be "fighter jets" flying overhead, as promised by Kanye repeatedly. And fireworks too, of course. I mean they'll still probably make better use of Versailles than Sofia Coppola did.
On Saturday night, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences held its fifth-annual Governors Awards, a showcase for the special Oscars — the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award, the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, and some general lifetime-achievement prizes given to industry veterans for particular merit — that were routinely a part of the actual Oscars telecast until they were banished in 2009. One of this year’s four winners, the Italian costume designer Piero Tosi, was not present, but the other three — Angela Lansbury, Angelina Jolie, and Steve Martin — showed up, and each of their awards served, in its own way, to illustrate just how much damage has been done to the Oscars by surgically removing from the main telecast the sense of continuity and of film history that these prizes represent.
Maya Rudolph is coming back to NBC, and it's not to lend SNL a momentary famous black lady impression or to appear on a middling sitcom. It's to [OPRAH VOICE] HAVE HER OWN VARIETY SERIES! Or a pilot, at least. Lorne Michaels is producing, and Deadline hears the pilot will air as a special after the Olympics in February. I have no idea what a Maya Rudolph variety series on NBC prime time will look like, but let's assume there'll be impressions and an overall charming glow.
Justin Timberlake Cheating on Jessica Biel? Has JT "grown out of his womanizing ways" since marrying Jessica Biel? Timberlake was in Rio de Janeiro for the Rock in Rio festival, and "reports surfaced that the 'Mirrors' singer, 32, cheated on wife Jessica Biel after he was spotted kissing married Brazilian actress Thaila Ayala." Hey at least they're both married! (To other people.) "The gorgeous brunette, who wed actor Paulo Vilhena in 2011, added further speculation to the rumors after she posted an Instagram video of Justin performing at the festival with the caption, 'A childhood dream — meet Justin and have him singing a song in front of you.'" Justin "laughed off the claims" but wife "Jessica, 31, wasn't so easygoing. She flipped out. She's afraid that Justin is incapable of controlling his impulses." While Biel and Timberlake were dating, but not married, Timberlake was also rumored to have "had a three-day fling with actress Olivia Munn," plus hookups with Mila Kunis and possibly ex Cameron Diaz. Timberlake is headed out on a world tour, which means Biel is on high alert. "Jess is really worried. She wants to believe that he'll be faithful, but it's hard to tune out all the chatter suggesting otherwise."
Robin Thicke Cheats on Paula Patton: Despite his constant boasts about his marriage to high school sweetheart Patton, Thicke is a dog. After a photo taken at NYC club 1 Oak went viral that shows Thicke palming a mystery blonde's ass, the blonde has come forward. Her name is Lana Scolaro, and she says that Robin "whispered dirty things, like, 'You don't understand what I'm going to do to you.'" That sounds very American Psycho of you, Robin Thicke. "He's a player. That's for sure." Well then why bother being married, ya dumbass? "Lana, 20, reveals that after Robin's security guard snapped the telling photo, the 'Blurred Lines' singer whisked her away to a private afterparty at his suite at the Greenwich Hotel, where he kissed and groped her until she left at 8 a.m. even though his wife, actress Paula Patton, was there the whole time!" Maybe it's an open marriage? "We hooked up," says Lana. "Things got a bit out of control." #blurredlines! "I came out and Robin was standing there. He turned out the lights so no one could see us and started making out with me. He was grabbing me and putting his hand on my bum. I kind of pushed him away, even though obviously I was like, 'Wow, I'm hooking up with Robin Thicke!'" I KNOW YOU WANT IT. "They could have been caught at any moment." Lana goes on, "We were against the wall in the hallway. It was so risky. I was like, 'Whoa, you have a wife! What are you doing?'" Robin told her to relax. "He said he and his wife are very chill. He was like, 'Be nice to her, she'll love you. But just make sure you're nice to her, because things could get ugly.'" Patton's rep denied any of this went down. Lana "can't get over how open Robin, 36, was about it all. And how oblivious — or accepting — Paula seemed." She spills, "I'm still shocked about the whole thing." Robin and Paula have a 3-year-old son, Julian, together. And apparently a very laissez-faire attitude about monogamy! What rhymes with polyamory?
Angelina Jolie, who last appeared onscreen in 2010’s The Tourist (remember? With Johnny Depp? With whom she shared so little chemistry that “a microscope and a search party could not discover any trace of” it?), has topped Forbes’s list of this year’s highest-paid actresses, ranking 41st overall (Oprah, Lady Gaga, Steven Spielberg, Beyoncé, and Madonna were credited with the top five most powerful celebrity spots). Forbes cites Jolie’s “north of $15 million” salary for 2014’s Maleficent — her then-4-year-old daughter Vivienne Jolie-Pitt reportedly earned $3,000 a week for her role in the film — and $33 million in earnings between June of 2012 and last month, which places her more than $7 million ahead of the next highest-paid actress, Jennifer Lawrence.
The behooded ones are finally all in the same room again, and just in time to go super deep on the Kimye phenomenon. What starts as a conversation about the New York Times’s fascinating interview with Kanye West and the buildup to his highly anticipated sixth album, Yeezus, can't help but be colored by the tabloid circus surrounding him and his pregnant girlfriend, Kim Kardashian. Why can't we separate the artist from the person? If celebrities can't make us feel like their friends, are they doing their job sufficiently?
These big questions are dwarfed, however, by the dilemma facing the subjects of this past week's True Life: I'm Too Beautiful (and True Life: I'm Addicted to the Internet). We attempt to unpack the rich psychological drama of these latest installments of arguably the best reality show on TV. True Life is still killin' it, y'all.
I had never given much thought to the idea of space travel, or even outer space in general, until a few years ago. Space is so enormous, so vague and terrifying at the same time, that trying to figure out its complexities can hurt your noggin. When it comes to exploring the specifics of the life (or lack thereof) beyond our planet, there are those of us who say “No thanks.” We’d rather play pretend and skip the horrors of being trapped in a dangerous, soul-jeopardizing machine for two and a half hours (not including, according to Virgin Galactic’s website, “two or three fabulous days of preparing with your crew”) while every dystopian space movie plays in our heads and Dramamine is simply not enough.
Then there are those who are not only up for it, they’re really up for it. They want to move there, to outer space, and buy real estate. They want to search for resources to bring back to our planet. They want to Instagram the shit out of it. I admire these adventurers. I look forward to watching them have this experience while I take two Benadryl, pack on a few reassuring sweatshirts, and nail my feet to the sweet, sweet Earth.
One of the most poignant moments of Behind the Candelabra, besides of course Matt Damon clawing at his plastic surgery mask of a face, was seeing Michael Douglas as a failing Liberace. The photos of Douglas that appeared in tabloids and online during his throat cancer treatments — and his appearance at the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps premiere — were startling enough that obituaries were written in advance. Liberace notably died of AIDS, and in an interview with The Guardian, Douglas links his cancer with another sexually transmitted disease, HPV, and because he used the word "cunnilingus" everyone has to go giggle in the corner. I certainly hope the phrase "the vagina-glazed mouth of Michael Douglas" was meant as the highest compliment.
Bradley Cooper & Leonardo DiCaprio? "Bradley Cooper is getting a lesson in no-strings-attached hookups from Hollywood's ultimate bachelor, Leonardo DiCaprio! The guys [both are 38 years old] got to know each other during awards season, and Leo took Bradley under his wing. Bradley was moaning about finding Mrs. Right. But Leo told him to chill out and enjoy all the beautiful women. Leo, who has romanced a string of catwalkers, explained his master plan to the Silver Linings Playbook hunk." Leo says, "He's going to date as many supermodels as possible before he's 40, then he'll settle down with a good woman." Ohhh, good for yoooou! "Bradley's been following his pal's advice — good times with no committment."
Katy Perry & John Mayer Break Up: Call me a naive sucker, but I really thought these two could go the distance. They made it almost a year, which is like a decade in John Mayer relationship time. As recently as March 2, she tweeted, "My boyfriend is taking me to a kitten shelter in his truck. I can't think of a more perfect Saturday." In the time since then, something must have gone down, because by March 18 she was tweeting "ATTENTION: Mercury is OUT of retrograde today. Thank GOD." The split has now been announced in People, which means it was probably confirmed to them by either Mayer's or Perry's rep. So what went wrong? Let's do a postmortem.
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Lindsay Lohan Is a High-Paid Escort: According to her father, Michael Lohan, Lindsay "is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimpin her out. It's disgusting." A second source confirms the story. "The dates last for days, and the guys pay for everything — hotel, travel costs, food, whatever — as well as jewelry and other gifts." While she might just be receiving a fee to act as "arm candy for wealthy men who like to be seen with beautiful and famous women." Clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line to the throne of Brunei, and Spanish-American painter Domingo Zapata.
"Domingo let Lindsay live in his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC for free and at his L.A. pad at Chateau Marmont." Zapata rescinded his kindness after Lohan's hit-and-run incident in September. "He said that Lindsay kept taking, taking, taking and asking for more — cars, dinners, clothes, everything." Lohan is now hanging out with "Vikram Chatwal a.k.a. The Turban Cowboy, who owns a chain of luxury hotels." Is that a self-appointed nickname? Michael Lohan says "Dina is exploiting Lindsay because she's broke too and gets 20 percent of everything Lindsay makes." Michael Lohan is not the most reputable source, though. A friend of Lindsay's says her escort work is "no big deal" because Lohan is "totally broke and in serious debt, and no one will hire her." Plus Lindsay thinks of it as a kind of method research for some future role. "Being an escort is just an easy way for her to stay above water. [Lindsay] says she's an actress and won't turn down getting paid good money to act a certain way!"
Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel: "You could safely call him a groomzilla." Having gotten over his "inability to commit," Timberlake threw himself into planning the $6.5 million ceremony, renting an Italian resort for the wedding and flying guests in on chartered jets. "Justin planned a series of mini-celebrations leading up to the evening ceremony. Guests were treated to a seafood feast followed by a fireworks display on the beach the day they arrived." He chose Biel's "6-carat princess-cut engagement ring without consulting her" and "picked out Jess's gown from sketches. She trusts him." Well, that's her first mistake.
Taylor Swift's Teen-Boy Love Triangle: "Taylor's insinuating herself into the Kennedy clan has taken a twisted turn." After taking on Jackie O's "prim-'n'-proper New England-chic, pearls-with-pleated-skirts" style and settling in at the Hyannis Port Kennedy Compound, "she's adding another Kennedy notch to her belt. Taylor was caught making out with Patrick Schwarzenegger — Conor's cousin — at a family event!" Swift would NEVER. "Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day she was all over Conor — so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights!" Les Cousins Dangereux! "That sounds like risky business for the singer, who's been known to write songs about the two-timing men who've hurt her in the past." Turnabout is fair play? "Conor and Patrick have always been competitive" and Taylor loves feeling desired. But the older members of the clan do not want theatrics. "As far as the Kennedys are concerned, Taylor is trash. Conor says he's in love with her, but all she's done is cause drama." I guess another notch on her belt is all they'll ever be.