Bradley Cooper & Leonardo DiCaprio? "Bradley Cooper is getting a lesson in no-strings-attached hookups from Hollywood's ultimate bachelor, Leonardo DiCaprio! The guys [both are 38 years old] got to know each other during awards season, and Leo took Bradley under his wing. Bradley was moaning about finding Mrs. Right. But Leo told him to chill out and enjoy all the beautiful women. Leo, who has romanced a string of catwalkers, explained his master plan to the Silver Linings Playbook hunk." Leo says, "He's going to date as many supermodels as possible before he's 40, then he'll settle down with a good woman." Ohhh, good for yoooou! "Bradley's been following his pal's advice — good times with no committment."
Katy Perry & John Mayer Break Up: Call me a naive sucker, but I really thought these two could go the distance. They made it almost a year, which is like a decade in John Mayer relationship time. As recently as March 2, she tweeted, "My boyfriend is taking me to a kitten shelter in his truck. I can't think of a more perfect Saturday." In the time since then, something must have gone down, because by March 18 she was tweeting "ATTENTION: Mercury is OUT of retrograde today. Thank GOD." The split has now been announced in People, which means it was probably confirmed to them by either Mayer's or Perry's rep. So what went wrong? Let's do a postmortem.
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Lindsay Lohan Is a High-Paid Escort: According to her father, Michael Lohan, Lindsay "is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimpin her out. It's disgusting." A second source confirms the story. "The dates last for days, and the guys pay for everything — hotel, travel costs, food, whatever — as well as jewelry and other gifts." While she might just be receiving a fee to act as "arm candy for wealthy men who like to be seen with beautiful and famous women." Clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line to the throne of Brunei, and Spanish-American painter Domingo Zapata.
"Domingo let Lindsay live in his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC for free and at his L.A. pad at Chateau Marmont." Zapata rescinded his kindness after Lohan's hit-and-run incident in September. "He said that Lindsay kept taking, taking, taking and asking for more — cars, dinners, clothes, everything." Lohan is now hanging out with "Vikram Chatwal a.k.a. The Turban Cowboy, who owns a chain of luxury hotels." Is that a self-appointed nickname? Michael Lohan says "Dina is exploiting Lindsay because she's broke too and gets 20 percent of everything Lindsay makes." Michael Lohan is not the most reputable source, though. A friend of Lindsay's says her escort work is "no big deal" because Lohan is "totally broke and in serious debt, and no one will hire her." Plus Lindsay thinks of it as a kind of method research for some future role. "Being an escort is just an easy way for her to stay above water. [Lindsay] says she's an actress and won't turn down getting paid good money to act a certain way!"
Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel: "You could safely call him a groomzilla." Having gotten over his "inability to commit," Timberlake threw himself into planning the $6.5 million ceremony, renting an Italian resort for the wedding and flying guests in on chartered jets. "Justin planned a series of mini-celebrations leading up to the evening ceremony. Guests were treated to a seafood feast followed by a fireworks display on the beach the day they arrived." He chose Biel's "6-carat princess-cut engagement ring without consulting her" and "picked out Jess's gown from sketches. She trusts him." Well, that's her first mistake.
Taylor Swift's Teen-Boy Love Triangle: "Taylor's insinuating herself into the Kennedy clan has taken a twisted turn." After taking on Jackie O's "prim-'n'-proper New England-chic, pearls-with-pleated-skirts" style and settling in at the Hyannis Port Kennedy Compound, "she's adding another Kennedy notch to her belt. Taylor was caught making out with Patrick Schwarzenegger — Conor's cousin — at a family event!" Swift would NEVER. "Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day she was all over Conor — so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights!" Les Cousins Dangereux! "That sounds like risky business for the singer, who's been known to write songs about the two-timing men who've hurt her in the past." Turnabout is fair play? "Conor and Patrick have always been competitive" and Taylor loves feeling desired. But the older members of the clan do not want theatrics. "As far as the Kennedys are concerned, Taylor is trash. Conor says he's in love with her, but all she's done is cause drama." I guess another notch on her belt is all they'll ever be.
Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: "With its 300-year-old moss-draped oak trees and stately, columned mansion, the Boone Hall Plantation & Gardens in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, is a favorite venue for couples tying the knot. But it wasn't just the charming post-and-rail fences and lush lawns that appealed to the couple saying 'I do' there September 9th."
Was it the historic slave quarters then? Boone Hall's website seriously boasts about the "eight original slave cabins" and the road in front of the plantation property is quaintly named "Slave Street." I personally find the whole idea of getting married at a Southern plantation totally tacky and repulsive on a soul level, but hey, I'm not Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.
Lindsay Lohan Banned From Chateau Marmont: What did it take to get the infamous party girl finally blacklisted from her favorite haunt, a place famous for putting up with partying? A ridiculous unpaid bill for $46,350 from a "47-day stay in June and July (she racked up $686 on cigarettes alone!)" during the filming of Liz & Dick. Lohan claims that she "thought her movie's producers were paying." Of course she did.
Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Are Engaged: So much for that other story from last week saying they'd broken up. "Justin Theroux was a bundle of jangled nerves" on his 41st birthday, since "the only present he wanted was to hear Jennifer Aniston say yes to his proposal of marriage." The nervous Theroux "even swore to a friend she'd say no." The tabloids would have gone nuts if she'd said no. "Jen cried. The proposal was simple. He was surprised she said yes, but he is so happy." They celebrated at a Greenwich Village restaurant. In 2005 she told Vanity Fair "There's an amazing man that's wandering the streets right now who's the father of my children." She meant in the future, I think. In the following years "she kissed a string of frogs — ahem, John Mayer — and now friends are thrilled that the actress has finally found her prince at age 43." Because women are princesses until the day they die, duh. "Jen's had a really hard time with love. She hasn't always given herself the respect she deserves." The tabloids profitably hammering on her self-esteem and life choices probably didn't help. It's cute how they're like a passive-aggressive frenemy suddenly pretending to be happy for her!
John Mayer & Katy Perry: At a party in the Hollywood Hills a "bikini-clad Katy Perry" chilled out, "grabbed a beer and clung tightly to John Mayer in the swimming pool. They hugged each other and splashed around. They were all over each other, making out! Neither of them is exactly shy." The pair are not only hooking up, they are "officially dating," hence the lack of trying to hide it, or maybe they just realized they wouldn't be able to avoid being outed by paparazzi right quick. Whatever. Katy girl, get your roots-rock divorce rebound hump on. Just do us a big favor and tell John Mayer to stop wearing that Rolling Thunder Revue hat everywhere. We get the whole hipster Americana thing already. While Mayer has a reputation as a manipulatively romantic womanizer incapable of keeping his mouth shut or his pants on, the 34-year-old guitarist claims he has changed his evil ways and is ready to grow up. He recently told Rolling Stone, "I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time. Now I feel like I'm extremely open to love." I'm sure Taylor Swift is thrilled to hear that.
Will Britney Survive on The X Factor? "It's going to be so much fun," said a "clearly uncomfortable Spears" as she took the stage at Fox's upfronts to announce her participation as a judge in the new season of The X Factor. "Doing X Factor may lead her back into meltdown territory. She gets extremely nervous and anxious. She's hard on herself and not very confident." Even a positive event like her engagement to Jason Trawick can "input as stress. This is a lot of change all at once for Britney. She's coming undone." While her last two albums went platinum, friends say she is not fully recovered from the 2008 mental breakdown that ended with a psych ward stay. "She really is starting to seem loopy and not right. She is so happy one minute and crying the next. Her emotions are fragile." At a friend's Brentwood crawfish boil, Spears ignored partygoers while "muttering obscenities by herself." She hung out by the food table, saying, "Fuck it, I'm eating whatever I want. I don't care." Being the world's most famous teenage pop star may have had some unforeseen longer-term ill effects. "Everyone she needs to see comes to the house. She gets her hair done or spray-tans at home. She is definitely lonely and doesn't have friends." A million sad smiley faces. X-Factor may exploit the curiosity factor. "The show needs a bankable pop star who will get viewers watching, whether they think she's ridiculous or they love her."
The Women of Beverly Hills 90210 Are BFFs: "The scene was perfectly set for a showdown. Shannen Doherty had just marched into Jennie Garth's 40th birthday bash sporting killer boots and her trademark smirk — looking every inch like Brenda Walsh at her fiercest." YES. "The Beverly Hills 90210 vets, once such mortal enemies that costar Tori Spelling claimed they had a fistfight, strode toward each other and … hugged." Hugged?! Reunited and acting "just like real friends," the former "Kelly and Brenda have called a cease-fire to their 20-year war." Why now? "A Doherty pal attributes the bonding to the simple matter of growing up — and feeling nostalgic for the Peach Pit days: 'It's like high school friends that you fought with but now love. They're a big part of your past.'" OK, sure. "Shannen and Tori were in New York doing press, and they were warm. The '90s were a long time ago." They sure were. At least they all still hate that bitch Valerie (Tiffani Thiessen).
Things You Don't Know About Ice-T (Excerpts):
"I love grape Kool-Aid"
"As a kid, I dreamed of being a bank robber"
"My favorite artist is Prince"
"If I could time travel, I'd go to the Roaring '20s"
"I love all kinds of cereal"
"My most embarrassing moment was getting diarrhea while performing at a concert."
"Harvey Keitel is my favorite actor."
"I prefer to be indoors."
"The first famous person I met was my neighborhood crime boss."
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis: "Friends with benefits?" Kelso and Jackie "took a mini-vacation together" to Carpinteria. They stopped at a roadside stand where "Mila bought sunflowers and blueberries," then had sushi for lunch. "They hadn't seen each other for years" but got back in touch during a That 70's Show reunion segment for Fox's 25th anniversary special. "He's so not her type." And as for Ashton's famous wandering eye? "Mila wouldn't stand for that kind of stuff. She's a strong, smart girl."
Brad and Angelina Are Engaged: "Pitt skipped the tradition of getting down on one knee and merely presented the ring as a token of his unwavering love." Jolie debuted "the tablet-shaped diamond" a few days later at a "private viewing of Chinese antiquities" at LACMA. Jolie's dad, Jon Voight, says he is "very happy for them!" The pressure came courtesy of the kids. "Maddox wanted them to have a wedding. He was the most vocal in pushing for it." Brad was also vocal. "Brad pleaded and said that everything else in the kids' lives in not normal. They travel constantly, they are always in different houses and different schools. They needed to give the kids one thing in their life that is normal, and they are asking for this. He said they should do it for them." This was hardly Pitt's first attempt to propose. "He asked her to marry him when she was pregnant with Shiloh. And she said no." BURN. Angie knew Brad would stick around anyway. "I don't think she has ever worried about her ability to keep a man, but what she has with Brad is very strong. They can still be hot and heavy. There is a great attraction. And Pitt has what it takes intellectually and emotionally to keep Jolie interested for the long haul. Angie is deep and thoughtful and undeniably sure of herself. I don't think any man but Brad could really make it work." While their ceremonies to previous spouses involved theatrics like "a gospel choir and fireworks show" (Pitt/Aniston) and "a wardrobe of black rubber pants and a white shirt with his name written in her blood" (Jolie/Miller), this will be a much more low-key event at their French estate. "Angie's even learning how to cook!" Maybe she'll cook coq au vin with Brad's blood!
Kanye & Kim K: "They were acting like a couple of kids" as they hung out on the floor piano in FAO Schwartz famous from Big. "It had been West's idea to have the store clear out customers so they could visit a few in-store boutiques — like the Angry Birds shop — undisturbed. As Kim playfully tried on costumes for West's amusement, more and more fans realized the superstars were in their midst, and began chanting her name. West, as famous for his ego as his talent — 'really dug it.' For him it's great to hang with someone who's an equal." Equally down with furs and fame-whoring, yes. "The new romance is the result of months of hot pursuit by West, sparing no expense to win the woman who calls herself 'the ultimate doll.' Conveniently, the knight in mink-lined armor arrived just as the damsel, 31, has been feeling like the dating equivalent of 'a leper,' with guys too freaked out to approach her." Kanye is smitten. "He thinks she's his Beyoncé!" They went to see The Hunger Games. "Not wanting the evening to end — or perhaps trying to woo her into a sleepover — West played to Kim's famous sweet tooth," buying her ice cream, which apparently worked; "she spent the night at his place" and emerged with a visible hickey. They lunched the next day, "where West downplayed his self-centered image over truffle pizza. He's actually a really good listener." They went clothes shopping and each paid. "Kim can pay her own way and she's not riding his coattails. He loves that she's a powerful business lady." HE FUCKING LOVES IT. "She was with cowardly guys like Reggie Bush, who was obsessed with what his teammates thought, and Kris, who didn't want her to act too strong. But Kanye loves her Kimness. She's great the way she is and if people hate on them, he'll only like her more."