Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Too many Apples a day: After adopting Steve Jobs’s fruitarian diet for his role in the biopic jOBS, Ashton Kutcher wound up in the hospital with pancreatic problems. Jobs reportedly experimented with a number of oddball diets: He turned orange from too much carrot juice, lived off of Roman Meal cereal, and attempted to combat body odor with his fruit intake (this last one "was a flawed theory").
The last time we saw Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs — from the upcoming cinematic event jOBS (jOBS? jOBS?!) it was only in still-image form. Well, prepare yourself, mentally and emotionally: We've got footage now.
Look, we admit it: When Ashton Kutcher was first cast as Steve Jobs in the indie upstart to Aaron Sorkin's big-ticket biopic, we balked. Jobs, that great titan of American industry — that brazen symbol of individuality and resilience and courage! — would be portrayed by a guy who, at least at one point in his life, spent a lot of time with Wilmer Valderrama? But all those doubts are in the past now. And that's because Kutcher's indie movie jOBS — yes, jOBS — has just commemorated its inclusion in this year's Sundance Film Festival by releasing the first official photo of Kutcher in character. And goddamn if it isn't something else! As Vanity Fair points out, Kutcher's whole thing here — the pose, the tuck, the cubicle, the smoldering stare — is in fact an homage to a vintage photo of Jobs himself.
Kirstie Alley's Juicy Memoir Is All About Men: She dated Tim 'Otter' Matheson in the early '80s "until one fateful night when his secret fiancée's unexpected visit forced Kirstie to escape out the window." It was then that she learned, "don't trust actors, no matter how many éclairs they offer you." She and Patrick Swayze had an emotional affair during '85 miniseries North and South while they were both married to other people. "Patrick told Kirstie that he was falling in love with her and she, in turn, begged him, unsuccessfully, to have sex." As in she begged him unsuccessfully or the sex was unsuccessful in some way? "This man and I never had sex or did sexual things, but I consider what we did more dangerous and a betrayal to our spouses." Does they mean they played, like, really steamy games of Connect Four?
Alley fantasized about Ted Danson and his "big dick" during her time on Cheers, although she never got to sample the merchandise. The cast once conspired to photograph Danson in the shower, but "things didn't go according to plan." Kirstie says, "George Wendt kicked the door open. I snapped the photo of the naked Ted. I swear to God he was well endowed. I would show you the picture, but my hands were shaky." She calls handsome Dancing With the Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy pro "mysterious" as well as "capricious, rude, thoughtless, and bossy. He is also gentle, childlike, fragile, and sensitive." Be sure to take Alley's revelations with a lot of salt. She also claims she and John Travolta fell in love during Look Who's Talking, although they never hooked up. It's possible some of these passionate love affairs may have taken place mainly in her imagination. I wanna see the receipts.
Tom Cruise's Midlife Crisis: "Alone and awkward, Tom Cruise wages a futile battle against time." Tom Cruise is mortal? "He's kind of broken. He's too concerned with what people think." Tom has been hitting clubs in an attempt to get over his divorce. "Tom's trying to look cool and go out and be hip, but he just looks silly and icky. He's going through a midlife crisis." His 50th birthday may be to blame. "Midlife crises become acute if a man's life is marked by failed marriages and strained relationships." Turning 50 in itself can be "a traumatic event for many men." He hasn't seen daughter Suri in two months. "He's lost his place as a husband and father." He's also worried about his career. "Tom is very nervous about being eased out of big action star roles." That doesn't have to be an issue necessarily, as men get to play leads much longer — just look at 60-year-old Liam Neeson headlining the Taken franchise. Tom has no idea how to be single. At a London club "he looked awkward and uncomfortable. The rest of the club was dancing, but Tom was in a corner talking to a woman like it was a business meeting. As rich and famous as he is, Tom just doesn't know how to fit in." A therapist says that Cruise "has to confront that his power is shifting." NEVER!
Prince Harry Is Out of Control: En route to Las Vegas the ginger prince "had two things in his sights: vodka and women." And I'm all out of bubble gum. "The trip was like The Hangover, only without the monkey." That's The Hangover II; The Hangover had a tiger. "He was naked for a long time at the party. He kept spilling his drinks and dancing. He didn't seem to care what he did." But after photos leaked online, the British monarchy expressed their extreme disapproval. "Harry was pressured to delete his secret Facebook account, on which 'Spike Wells' could post ginger jokes on himself and interact with pals." Spike Wells LOLs. The party binge started on Necker Island for Richard Branson's son Sam's 27th birthday. "The plan was just to sunbathe, swim and get drunk. With the booze flowing, Harry lived up to his wild kid-brother rep, doling out kisses and sloppy hugs." A friend says, "Harry's a funny drunk, but he always seems a bit vulnerable." Perhaps he's been thinking about his mother Princess Diana, as it comes up on her death's 15th anniversary. "Dirty Harry" has had a trail of scandals, including brawls with photographers, reports of using racist epithets, and his famous 2005 Nazi Halloween costume. Harry may have been trying to "force the queen's hand all along" with his recent nude billiards antics. "Harry has been making a case for a redeployment to Afghanistan, which he worried the palace would deem too dangerous. He's definitely going now. The royal family will want to redeem his image. This sort of move is very clever. Clever like a ginger fox."
Taylor Swift's Fatal Attraction: Her relationship with rising high school junior Conor Kennedy continues at warp speed. "Swift is certainly taking her one-and-a-half-month romance rather, well, swiftly. Since meeting the 18-year-old Kennedy in July, the six-time Grammy winner, 22, has rearranged her schedule to spend as much time with him as possible." Although the rumor that she bought a house across the street from the Kennedy compound has been debunked, she is still giving off some serious Stage 5 Clinger vibes. "Swift loves that her new guy (son of Robert Kennedy Jr. and the late Mary) gives her entrée to the storied political family. She says it's a fantasy come true. She's very smitten." Isn't she always, though? "Pals are concerned she's repeating a troubling relationship pattern," citing the insanely fast pace of her monthlong fling with Jake Gyllenhaal, which ended when he dumped her unceremoniously. "She's always rushing into love. We all wonder why she can't take it slow." Because she thinks fairy-tale, love-at-first-sight romances are real, and always decides that whomever she is dating at the moment is The One (regardless of what the dude might think). "For years, Swift has harbored a not-so-secret infatuation with Conor's iconic family. One insider says Conor's cousin Ted Kennedy Jr. even calls the crooner a Kennedy groupie!" Well maybe Conor Kennedy is a Taylor Swift groupie! And they're not groupies, they're Band-Aids! She started collecting Kennedy memorabilia last year, after reading The Kennedy Women. She met Rory Kennedy at a screening of a doc about Ethel Kennedy, and was invited to spend her Fourth of July at the compound in Hyannis Port. She and Conor Kennedy have been inseparable ever since, although that may change in the fall when he goes back to, uh, high school.
Kristen Stewart & Rob Pattinson: Pattinson is sequestered at Reese Witherspoon's ranch in Ojai while he sorts out his feelings. Reese understands Pattinson's situation, as she weathered her own cheating scandals with ex-husband Ryan Phillippe. Damn you, Tracy Flick. Always meddling!
Pattinson has been running a lot to work off some of his anger, "huffing past a lavender-scented meadow, a pool, and a horse paddock" as he jogs his way around the compound. "Yet no matter how peaceful the scenery, the actor, 26, could not escape the hell his days had become." The news that Kristen Stewart had cheated on him with Rupert Sanders "blindsided" Pattinson. "He's questioning everything and wants nothing to do with her." Stewart's public apology made him even more furious. An "inconsolable" Stewart is camped out at her parents' home in the San Fernando Valley. Pattinson is "not using electronic cigarettes anymore. He's been smoking real ones since this news came out." He had noticed that Kristen "was being really weird lately but she reassured him nothing was going on." Rob is "disgusted because he had a feeling about this director." Nobody but Rupert and Kristen knows exactly when the affair started. Stewart realizes "how totally self-destructive this was. She just can't believe she fucked all this up and ruined everything." Even her parents are embarrassed for her. Now they must brave the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 press tour together, during which their every mumble will be parsed for clues.
Chris Brown/Rihanna/Drake: "Chris Brown was soaking in the revelry" at W.I.P. with his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. He "sent a bottle of Ace of Spades champagne to Drake," who sent it it back with a note reading "I am fucking the love of your life." Thus began a bottle fight, which ended with Brown's cutting his chin and Tony Parker scratching his cornea. "They tore the club apart" and started "a bloody melee" fighting about Rihanna, who is on her Cleopatra shit. She even got a new ankle tattoo of an Egyptian falcon shaped like a gun. Rihanna heard about it and "was cracking up. Men fighting over her? Please. She loves the drama!" A friend of Brown's says, "These guys are fighting over Rihanna. She is the dude in this sitch and they are acting like girls." Yes, because men never have petty catfights (LOL).
In an effort to keep up with some of the larger issues in the media, every month Grantland Racial Issues Correspondent Andrew Ti will be rounding up some of the biggest questions to hit the Yo, Is This Racist? inbox.
Ashton Kutcher and Jason Biggs: Indian Edition
May kicked off on a surprising note: A company actually backed down from some racist shit they did. Early this month, Popchips, America's favorite brand of literally unidentifiable food-style snack product, put out an ad featuring Ashton Kutcher playing a Bollywood producer named Raj, basically doing the laziest possible character based on Indian stereotypes. The ad was actually pulled from the Internet, but this news clip contains enough of it to get the gist.
Kim K and Kanye: The couple went to Cannes together and "caught up, wandering the streets until 7 A.M., cherishing quiet time before the inevitable flashbulb frenzy at that evening premiere of West's short film, Cruel Summer." Fighting the rumors that their relationship is just a publicity stunt, friends say they "are the real deal." Kanye is "playing for keeps. He waited for Kim. He knows they're meant to be." She comforted his anxiety over the response to his film, while "he kept brushing her cheek and kissing her." While Kanye has gotten Kim to dress "more chic, with his advice," Kim's effect is that she's "making him gentler. He isn't so intense now." Why hate? They're perfect for each other.
Sean Penn: "I am constantly embarrassed by my own personality."
Kelly Ripa: "Going to Fiji is not marriage. Going to Costco is marriage."
James Franco's Commencement Speech: "Spread your eggs. Don't like eggs? Too bad."
Rihanna's Fast Track to Disaster: "Rihanna loves to party, but this past month she's gotten really out of control. She's been drinking almost every day and talking about smoking weed a lot too." On Twitter, "she often tweets about '420,' a popular term for smoking marijuana," and "makes no effort to hide her nonstop alcohol consumption." She stopped off at "Club Perfection in Queens" at 2 a.m. on May 2, to "dance with and throw money at the strippers" at the "grimy strip club." She shrugs off similarities to Whitney Houston, but crazy nights have "become the norm" for the 24-year-old. "She's actually a very lonely girl," says a friend. "She gets fed up with sitting in her hotel room, so she goes out drinking." She was hoping to get back together with Chris Brown, but Brown "returned to his girlfriend Karrueche Tran and even got a tattoo of her face inked on his arm to prove his love and loyalty. When Chris got the tattoo, Rihanna freaked out. She's been obsessed with the thought that he's going to marry Karrueche and she'll never be able to get back with him. She's heartbroken and in a bad place. She's been numbing the pain with alcohol." She likes to test boundaries. "When people tell her she's a role model, she goes crazy. She doesn't want to hear it. If anything, she rebels and goes out and does something even more shocking than the time before." When she "posted a picture of a substance that appeared to resemble cocaine" her managers got mad, but "she responded by claiming to be in a lesbian relationship with her friend Melissa Forde." Riri "loves being a bad girl and shocking people. She says she's having fun, but it's clear she's acting out because she's in a lot of emotional pain."
The Women of Beverly Hills 90210 Are BFFs: "The scene was perfectly set for a showdown. Shannen Doherty had just marched into Jennie Garth's 40th birthday bash sporting killer boots and her trademark smirk — looking every inch like Brenda Walsh at her fiercest." YES. "The Beverly Hills 90210 vets, once such mortal enemies that costar Tori Spelling claimed they had a fistfight, strode toward each other and … hugged." Hugged?! Reunited and acting "just like real friends," the former "Kelly and Brenda have called a cease-fire to their 20-year war." Why now? "A Doherty pal attributes the bonding to the simple matter of growing up — and feeling nostalgic for the Peach Pit days: 'It's like high school friends that you fought with but now love. They're a big part of your past.'" OK, sure. "Shannen and Tori were in New York doing press, and they were warm. The '90s were a long time ago." They sure were. At least they all still hate that bitch Valerie (Tiffani Thiessen).
Things You Don't Know About Ice-T (Excerpts):
"I love grape Kool-Aid"
"As a kid, I dreamed of being a bank robber"
"My favorite artist is Prince"
"If I could time travel, I'd go to the Roaring '20s"
"I love all kinds of cereal"
"My most embarrassing moment was getting diarrhea while performing at a concert."
"Harvey Keitel is my favorite actor."
"I prefer to be indoors."
"The first famous person I met was my neighborhood crime boss."
Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: Four years after the death of her ex Heath Ledger, "If anyone deserves a little chivalry and happiness, it's Williams," who is "finally moving on with Segel, 32. After years of platonic friendship, the two have turned up the heat, meeting for several intimate dates in New York and L.A." An insider says "Romantically, this kind of happened overnight!" He won her over by being good with her daughter Matilda, prompting her to tell a friend "I love him!" Let's hope Segel isn't just trying to promote The Five Year Engagement with this romance, since "Michelle doesn't do flings. Every person she gets involved with is someone she can entertain the possibility of spending the rest of her life with." No less of a cad as Russell Brand has spoken of envying Segel's rampant cockmanship, calling him "a falcon among gulls when it comes to womanizing." But supposedly "Jason is trying to be more of a grown-up lately. He is taking care of himself more, exercising, eating right and dressing better. Basically, not acting like a frat boy anymore." He thinks Michelle is "the kind of girl he can bring home to his mom." Segel has been perma-single with side trips to the Isle Of Lohan since splitting from Lindsay Weir (Linda Cardellini) while Williams has weathered failed relationships with hipster directors Spike Jonze, Cary Fukunaga, and other "assholes who didn't treat her right" and were "just looking for an unserious situation." Let's hope "puppet collector" Segel can step up to the plate. "Jason can be a bit of a playboy. The only way this will work is if he completely devotes himself to Michelle." "She wants a good guy who will give her a stable family life."